abaya

I've been thinking about what you said here, since you posted yesterday. I went running and thought about what it means to honor one's word. And I agree... I had posted something similiar, that integrity means both taking responsibility for doing the right thing (whatever that is) and for owning up to *not* doing the right thing. But I liked the way you put it.

I find that I am the most defensive when I have been lying to myself or others. If someone has pointed out to me a weakness that I have been lying about... well, look out! Claws and fangs are bared, and I will scratch you. I have been working on this in therapy... how to soothe my emotions so that I can see the truth behind my own lies without lashing out to others (or myself). I am barely making progress, but I think I have improved. It is so human to react defensively when we are afraid of "losing our cover," and yet it is so, so very destructive to ourselves, our relationships.

How do others here deal with defensiveness, when someone attacks your weakness or lie? My theory is that one does not become defensive if one does not already feel vulnerable in that area. As I said, I am usually most sensitive when I am trying the hardest to lie to myself. But, once I have owned up and confessed... there is a freedom to it, to acknowledge how shitty things really are, how dirty or weak or disabled I really feel. And to start from there.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran