Daniel_

What to do if you think you, or someone you love, has a vagina?

Having a vagina can be an absolutely frightening experience. Vagina effects all people and it doesn't discriminate. Whether you're black, white, Asian, young, old, rich, poor, or even Korean, you may already be inflicted with vagina. We at the Vagina Research Institute have spoke with several vagina'ed individuals and would like to share their advice in hopes to serve the vaginally ignorant. Here are some common questions that people with vagina have:

Will my vagina make me die?

More than likely, yes. While the purpose of the vagina is still unknown, it is a well documented fact that 100% of those inflicted with vagina, have their lives ended with death.

Why does my vagina bleed every month?

Well there are 2 schools of thought about the blood issue; 1st being that the vagina gets routinely sick of it's own smell and has developed internal ulcers that tend to bleed every month. 2nd school of thought comes from the religious right, and claims that vagina is a result of the devil and one of the devil's promises to Jesus Christ was that he would, among other things, ruin all the white jeans of everyone in the world. This is reportedly claimed in the bible, however this cannot be confirmed because no one has yet read the bible.

My car keys keep slipping out of my vagina. Any recommendations?

Quite often, people with vagina use it to keep their keys and identification card when they go out bar hopping. If your keys continue to slip out of the vaginal opening, get one of those sharp bottle opener / keychain things and, using slight force, dig a groove into the inner wall of your vagina so they can be hung there like a hat rack. And, depending on the size of your vagina, you can also use the same method to sneak your beers out of the bar.

What is likely to be found in a vagina?

I'm glad you asked. Vaginas on the whole seem to cling to those members of our society who can be construed as moody, arrogant and even downright hard to get along with. The current state of thought on the contents of the vagina tends to lead toward a bacteria that seems to tax one's common sense quite thoroughly. Researchers seem to think that vaginas may contain an undiscovered enzyme that attacks one's more cerebral or 'rational' traits and leans the individual toward irrational thinking.

Case in point: A vagina researcher once discovered that his roommate was a victim of vagina. The vagina'ed individual seemed to be relentless in her pursuit of control of the researcher, despite repeated attempts to explain that much of this asserted control was in areas in no way connected to the vagina'ed person. Eventually the vagina'ed person found a more tolerant and gullible person to take advantage of and escaped the researcher's quarters. But this episode taught us quite a bit, and we will one day learn more once we are able to hold another vaginoid in captivity.

If you suspect that you have a vagina or have any questions about your vagina, let us know! Call 1-800-VAG-INAS. Operators standing by on 24-hour call

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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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