simivin

Ha. More.

Why did you have to question my love for you? You knew I hadn't been in a relationship in a while; knew that I was bothering myself with my own insecurities. It's natural to doubt and to wonder -- for crying out loud, look on this forum. People doubt, but can still be loyal. Do you realize how much pressure it is to not be able to doubt? I mean, it bothered me enough by myself, because I hadn't dated in a while, but for you to make it sound like the end of the relationship just because I had some doubt. I had decided that I didn't need to date anyone else, or sleep with anyone else...I just wanted a strong relationship.

I couldn't be just a person; just a man. I know I criticized you honey, and sometimes failed to take you as you were, but it happened to me too. I just wanted to be a regular guy -- normal with all the worries and doubts, but still working towards something. I felt I couldn't do the former. I felt I was wrong to do the former. God, that pressure sucked.

I don't know that I'll ever find a match like you again. You told me that, and I fear it's true. You were great for me in so many, so many ways. But what was wrong? Sometimes I felt like you took me too seriously, when often I was just joking. I felt like you judged others too quickly (and you hated that I thought that...). And yes, I felt like you didn't trust me...just like someone else said, because of your shitty past relationships. Really, my integrity is so important to me -- you know that. To have it questioned hurts me so much; makes me doubt me so much. Just like in November. Everything else, I wanted to work through and give time...but God, I told you that your doubting my loyalty was starting to hurt too much. And you told me that you wished I lied to you? God, I could not do that! And I know it was just one friend recently, but b/c of everything else, I worried that it'd be an issue in the future. For right or wrong, that's what I was thinking...And you know, I didn't want to break up with you. I was trying to avoid more fighting because I knew I was getting pushed closer and closer to the brink. While it was my decision, it felt forced, too, by the circumstances. I know no one forced me to make my decision, but that's how I felt -- "God, why do we have to keep fighting? I cannot take it any more..."

What happened to our communication? Our confidence in one another? We failed to see just how sensitive both of us were getting -- failing to compromise until it was too late. How could I take it back yet again? That's not right for either of us and I wasn't about to use breaking up as a tool to get what I wanted...otherwise, I'm manipulating you just like other guys did.

I saw some recent pictures of you. Without me. It hurt to see you; it was weird to see you. That is normal, I tell myself. Get used to it, I tell myself. But it doesn't hurt any less yet. I need to stop doing that -- this -- to myself. To just let go. But it's hard, because I do love you. I do want to be with you. Ha, but obviously my love isn't good enough, right, because I broke up with you? God, the impact this all has had on my confidence.

While I told you before and left a note saying it, I wanted to say it again. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for not giving enough to your point of view. For not doing everything for you, for not making all the sacrifices you asked -- I'm scared, you know? Scared of putting it all out there, getting mired with someone who will just ask me to do so much, ask me to do things I don't want. But you were right this time -- I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you as much as you deserved. I'm so sorry for everything...please forgive me.

I hope you can find that perfect guy. I'm sorry I am not him. If you think of me, please think of me fondly. If you wonder, maybe then you will understand me better. But always remember that I love you.