|
I know you don't want to hear it, which is why I won't say it to you. But I meant it when I said that the sex is the best I've ever had. I don't know if it was because we were in love, or if it's because you were just that good. You did things to me that made me want to thank you, much to your amusement. I'm pretty sure I did the same. Only now I'm doubting everything and I'm wondering if you didn't just tell me that to spare my feelings.
It's ludicrous, of course and I will regain my self-confidence, some day. I mean, to be perfectly blunt about it you weren't the first girl to tell me how amazing it was. I doubt you'll be the last.
But it meant something with you. It wasn't just a physical release. And that's something that I may never recapture.
Everything with you was the best I've ever had. My life with you was the best I've ever had. And I know school is hard and you need to focus on other things, but part of me can't help but resent it. I always put you first. If something got in the way of being with you, I always chose you. I gave up so much for you. And ultimately to not have that returned is what hurts the most.
I don't think you still love me. I don't know if you ever did, anymore. I'm certain you thought you did. I know we fought a lot, but that's what happens in long distance relationships. The fights, with one exception, were all stupid, meaningless things. I didn't call you on time. I didn't email you on this date. You went out drinking and I sat home alone. They never lasted more than a couple hours. We never stayed mad.
I do wish you all the best. I want you to be happy; I just wish it didn't have to be at the expense of my own happiness.
And I really do miss the sex.
__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said
- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame
|