Let me preface my response by saying that this thread has certainly taken quite an unexpected turn. I originally thought, maybe even hoped, that most everyone on here would tell me that I was just being overbearing and to stop it - the responses I have received have been quite different.
I want to say that I appreciate everyone's input, and will try and keep an open mind in listening to all your responses.
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Originally Posted by Sage
I can't make you take my advice, nor can I make you take the advice of all the people on this forum.
You say you love this girl... but does this girl love you? She is letting something get in the way of your relationship, and has been letting it get in the way for a very long time (I'm assuming you guys are at least 21, and if you've been dating since HS... that's at least three years). She is not respectful of your opnions, and is choosing to ignore your input into the relationship. Got that? If you love someone, you listen to what they say. You have patiently listened to her, suggested things to her, shared yourself with her, but for years all you've gotten back is "I like to drink, I'm not going to change, deal with it." That is a very disrespectful way to be towards a serious partner.
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I agree with you. What is especially difficult for me is that in nearly every other aspect of our relationship things are exceptionally good. Because she does drink so rarely, it doesn't play much of a role in daily life.
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Is this the first serious girlfriend you've ever had? Have you ever been "in love" before you started dating this girl? Are you continuing to date her because it's comfortable? Have you dated her exclusively throughout your relationship with her? It seems like you two are so comfortable with each other that you are being with each other simply because you can, and not because you love each other. I don't know what your relationship is like when she's not drinking... but this drinking thing is HANGING OVER YOUR HEAD the entire time, like a guillotine ready to drop.
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I had one serious girlfriend prior to her, although I wouldn't really say that I was "in love" with the other girl. We have dated exclusively, with one exception. During our Senior year of highschool, I was so busy with school and two jobs that we rarely saw her - it didn't help that she lives nearly an hour away and didn't have a car at the time. We broke up for about a month and had no contact with each other. During the time that we were no longer together, she did date someone else for a brief period, but we ended up getting back together. As far as the drinking thing "Hanging over my head, like a guillotine" - I couldn't have come up with a better analogy. Every time we go out, I just wait for the next problem to arise - which I'm sure attributes to my not enjoying being out with her at all.
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Your girlfriend has a problem. However, it's not just drinking. She's disrespectful to you and your wishes within the context of your relationship. Ask yourself- would you like to marry her knowing that she's going to have this same sort of behavior for the rest of your lives? Would you want to spend the rest of your life with her if this issue would go unresolved? YOU can only do so much, Jessieboy. At some point, she's going to have to start putting effort into your relationship. Good relationships require constant input and respect from ALL people involved.
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Although it may be true that she is disrespectful to myself in our relationship, perhaps I haven't been clear. Although she knows how I feel about her drinking in general, I can't say that I have ever - or even would want to - say "You CANNOT drink and be with me" As far as our other issues are concerned, I believe she puts forth some effort into our relationship. Admittedly, and perhaps I'm not very objective on this, it seems like often times I am the one putting for more effort, although I don't mean to belittle what she does try to improve. Sometimes, it almost seems like she is content with what we have, whereas I try to improve it. Please don't misunderstand that comment and think that I am generally unhappy with our relationship, I just firmly believe that you can always get closer.
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She's damaging herself AND you. Your relationship has some major issues, along with the fact your girlfriend is acting like an immature sot every time she gets near a bar. You can do one of three things:
1) Don't do anything. Keep babysitting her when she goes out and letting her cry on your shoulder for the next fifty years.
2) Break up with her, distance yourself as much as possible from her. Find a nice girl to date, one that doesn't act like an extra from a Girls Gone Wild video.
3) Sit down, talk to her, tell her everything you've told us. If she refuses to listen, and you decide you care enough about her to save the relationship, drag her kicking and screaming to counseling. Call her parents, her friends, everyone she's ever known and get them on the bandwagon to help her. I don't think she's just being "young and enjoying both her youth and her body." She can't be enjoying it that much if she doesn't remember it.
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Well, to be fair, she didn't know that she had issues with her memory - at least to my knowledge. However, I can't dismiss the possiblity completely because if she did have an inkling, it is very likely she wouldn't mention it to me for fear of me have yet another reason to not like her drinking.
To be honest, I think that if I said something along the lines of "Don't drink anymore" she would stop, but I hesitate to do so for a couple of reasons. First of all, regardless of my assessment of her inability to drink and control herself, she obviously doesn't have a problem with her actions while she is drinking. Secondly, I don't want to be a controlling boyfriend. Thirdly, I suppose that I hoped that it wouldn't come to that. In my mind I had this fantasy where she would change her habits just knowing how I felt about it - change them because she wants to and for us, not because I force her. Finally, I don't think I would feel very comfortable telling her what she can or cannot do - I believe in her being able to make her own choices, I just wish she would make the ones more agreeable to me.