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Originally Posted by Martian
Don't sell yourself short. You truly are beautiful. I'm sure if we ask them, all the men and a great many of the women of TFP will line up behind me to say the same. So will Grace and so will Sissy. So will Dr. KGB and all the men who were flirting with you at the party.
It's important that you see that, too. Thinking of yourself as plain is just another symptom of your lacking the confidence you want. I don't know a lot about your personality, I used funny as an example. I do know that you strike me as sincere, kind, honest and hardworking. All of these are positive qualities you possess and it's going to help you immensely to believe in yourself if you can see them. When you have a negative thought, you'll be able to come up with a positive counter. "So what if people think it's strange that I collect comics? I know that I'm intelligent and beautiful and if they can't look past a hobby of mine to see that, it's their loss."
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Thank you for the compliment. I know I'm smart and hard-working, I have no problem with believing that, and I try to be kind and honest as best I can. Though a little dissatisfied with certain aspects of my physical appearance, such as being flat chested and too thin, it's not something that causes me problems. I'm not looking for a mate, and being attractive is irrelevant to my job and for the vast majority of interactions. I'm sure I have a very realistic handle on how attractive I am. Of course Grace and Sissy tell me they think I'm beautiful, they love me and want me to feel good about myself, so they have to say that. I think I'm able to be more objective about it.
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Precisely. When Grace is around, you feel protected. You know that you have a way out, so the nervousness disappears. This is what I'm trying to show you; if you always have a way out you won't have to be so nervous when you're approaching men. At first you'll have to consciously stop and develop an exit strategy, but eventually it will become as much second nature as the threat assessment you're already doing.
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I asked Sissy about this, as she's in roughly the same situation physically that I am, ie, little to no physical threat to any healthy male. She said she assesses the situation, not the individual, and I'm mistaking possibility for probability. For example, at a party or asking directions in the hallway on campus, sure it's possible for a large man to hurt me, but the probability of being hurt is negligible. She also said that by engaging people in conversatiion, they stop seeing her as an object, and start seeing her as a person. It's harder to hurt a person than to damage an object. She also said that it's sort of automatic. She doesn't size up every male as a potential threat in situations where the situation is safe unless they do something to set off her "danger radar," and the vast majority never do.
And that's what struck me as the important part to me. Every guy is setting off my "danger radar" regardless of the situation. So maybe what you suggest here will help: Think of what I'd do if I were attacked in a particular interaction with a man. The answer is usually going to be to run. I'll see if that helps.
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This next bit is going to sound a bit harsh and I'm going to apologize in advance. The fact is, you are being unreasonable. You write your scripts according to your frame of reference, your view of the world. You have a unique way of looking at any given situation, just as we all do. No two people experience the world exactly the same way. We all have our own method of interpreting based on our own past, our own feelings, our own mentality.
The waitress who was meant to serve you had a completely different take on the world. Maybe she missed you because she was busy and didn't see you in the corner. Maybe she made the assumption posited above, that you as a young professional would ask for assistance if and when you required it. Maybe her pet dog died right before her shift and the stress was preventing her from focussing on the task at hand. Or maybe she just saw you and didn't like you (this one is highly unlikely). It's impossible to know, because neither you or I are her. We can't see the world through her eyes. And when you expect someone to follow a set pattern, you're assuming that they're going to interpret things in a way that isn't necessarily given. They may not see the world the way you do or the way you expect them to.
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Comp 101: This is called the "If one, then all" fallacy. The way I think is the way everyone thinks. I've been defending it for about four pages now. I see that intellectually, but it still seems counter-intuitive to me.
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If you can learn to work 'on the fly' so to speak and not plan each exchange in detail you can eliminate that stress.
It's okay to know what you expect to gain out of an exchange and it's okay to make a guess at what the other person expects. But you can't accept that guess as fact.
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Ok, that makes logical sense. But if I don't plan what to say and do, how will I know what to say and do? How would I know how long to wait before asking for service?
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Find out what was going through Grace's head when you were at the faculty party. Find out how she handled everyone assuming she was Dr. Nakamura.
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She said she enjoyed it. She enjoyed the little bit of embarrassment it caused them when she corrected them, and it gave her an opportunity to brag about me.
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Find out what mistakes or etiquette errors she made and how she dealt with them.
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She said she probably mad a half dozen little ones, just like I did, but wasn't keeping track of them. The key, she said, isn't not making errors, it's adjusting to it and moving on. The only major etiquette error she saw at the party was when Mrs. Departmenthead tried to insist on taking my picture after being told no twice, and I didn't make any big ones.
The only things that I should consider "mistakes" are those things that caused a disruption or brought shame on myself, and I didn't do either. The people making fun of the comic books or Pepsi weren't making fun of me, they were enjoying me as a person and most likely like me better because I made the party more interesting for them.
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Find out if any guys flirted with her and what she did about it.
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She said flirted with them and did so because it's fun.
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Take the time to really sit down with them and find out how they do what they do.
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The "how" part was more difficult. They told me it's not a matter of knowing what to say, you just play off of what the other person says, and have one or two interesting things to say yourself, and that I have those things with my accident and my comic books and stories about my students and all of the things I share with them when I come home from work.
Which makes sense, but really doesn't help me in knowing wheich things to say when, or in knowing which stories will be interesting and which ones boring.
I think the main difference is just that they enjoy the interaction, while I see it as work, something I have to do. Which makes it a kind of catch 22. They enjoy it because they're relaxed, they're relaxed because they're not worried about what to say, and they're not worried about what to say because they enjoy interacting with other people.
So though it makes sense, it seems to say that I'm not enjoying the interaction because I'm not wired that way.
So how does one flirt when it isn't with someone you are, want to be, or intend to be sexually intimate with? I've always kinda thought of flirting as verbal foreplay, a way of saying, "I'm interested in you." Which would make it a lie if I were to do it with anyone but Grace, it would feel like I was being dishonest to her and to them on some level. I don't know how to reconcile that with Grace flirting. It doesn't bother me in the least because I know she's coming home with me.
This is draining just thinking about it. Thank you for the feedback, it is much appreciated.
Gilda