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Martian · 11-29-2005, 04:35 PM

Okay, dude. I get the idea (and don't take this personally, please) that you don't have a lot of experience in the ways of women. Fortunately for you, your buddy Mars is here to help you out. First, a bit of insight into what's going through her head.

She is confused, terribly confused. She doesn't have a boyfriend and she's a college freshman. This means a lot of things. First is that she's afraid. She wants to do well in school and be successful and she's probably afraid that a boyfriend might mess that up. She doesn't see how the two could mesh. She's probably also wondering what's wrong with her, because she's never been with a guy before and most or all of her friends probably have. Why don't more guys go for her? As part of that, she's probably also afraid of using you; she doesn't want to start dating you just because you're available. She's afraid that because she wants to have a relationship she may latch on to you because you're making yourself available, which is the wrong reason. And she may have parental or religious or social deterrence from dating. It's quite possible that someone has instilled the idea in her that having a boyfriend is wrong and would probably mess up her life right now. These are all possibilities, I can't guarantee that she has every one of these things going through her head, but I'm pretty sure at least some of them are there.

And now you've made it worse. This is why I suspect you don't have a lot of experience yourself; in asking her the questions you did you raised two issues. The first is that you revealed your own insecurity, which just makes her all the more unsure. You also put her on the spot, which left her feeling embarassed and possibly hurt and attacked. You just wanted to find out, but by doing it the way you did you've just alienated her. Oh and by asking about signals like that you've probably also got her worried about what other signals she might be sending out to you or other guys unawares, since it sounds like she wasn't intentionally leading you on. Major fuck up. Sorry.

So, how do you fix this? You might not be able to. It might have been doomed from the start; it's entirely possible that she was never interested in a relationship with you to begin with. Maybe she never even considered the possibilty until you started showing interest and now she doesn't quite know what to think. She doesn't know what she wants - her heart is telling her in there somewhere, but she's got all this other crap going through her head and drowning it out. She will find that voice eventually and figure this out and it's your job to help her in that respect. You cannot ask her directly. In fact, let me repeat that for emphasis. DO NOT under ANY circumstances ask her what she wants, if she's interested in you or if she wants to date. She doesn't have an answer to these questions and asking just puts her on the spot again.

My advice to you is just to back off and be low key about the whole affair. You need to show her that you're for real, that you really think she's the best thing to happen to you since you first discovered masturbation and that you want to be with her. Talk to her as often as possible. Ask her how her day went whenever you see her and how she's feeling and really listen to what she tells you. Show concern, ask questions and provide empathy. Communicate!

Don't try to hurry things along. You can take her on dates and such, maybe even hold her hand. I leave that up to your discretion. She'll let you know if it's okay or not. Don't let the romantic aspect slip completely into the background; you still want that I assume, so don't get in her face with it, but don't let her forget either. Take her out to dinner and movies, take her to romantic places. Don't try to kiss her just yet; that's putting her on the spot again. She already told you things are moving too fast for her, so just be patient.

This one is going to take a bit of time and a lot of effort on your part. Whether or not she's worth it is a judgement for you to make. Pay attention to what she tells you, both in words and actions. I promise you that as you proceed she will make things clear.

If it helps, try approaching it from this angle. What you want right now is not a relationship with her. What you want is to know if that's possible. You said you're an engineer, so use your engineering background if that will help you approach this with confidence. Look at all of this as a big feasibility test; you're trying to figure out whether the grounds here are suitable to build a relationship on. It's going to take time for things to stabilize a bit before you'll know the answer, but you need to keep an eye on the situation and constantly change the nature of your testing to suit the changing parameters as they arise.

And a final repetition for emphasis; be confident! Everything you do with this girl is just testing the waters. Rejection is an outcome, it's not a favourable one but it is an outcome which is what you're after. If you're unsure you're only going to confuse her more. Confidence, as always in relationships, is key.

Good luck.

11-29-2005, 04:35 PM	#22 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	Okay, dude. I get the idea (and don't take this personally, please) that you don't have a lot of experience in the ways of women. Fortunately for you, your buddy Mars is here to help you out. First, a bit of insight into what's going through her head. She is confused, terribly confused. She doesn't have a boyfriend and she's a college freshman. This means a lot of things. First is that she's afraid. She wants to do well in school and be successful and she's probably afraid that a boyfriend might mess that up. She doesn't see how the two could mesh. She's probably also wondering what's wrong with her, because she's never been with a guy before and most or all of her friends probably have. Why don't more guys go for her? As part of that, she's probably also afraid of using you; she doesn't want to start dating you just because you're available. She's afraid that because she wants to have a relationship she may latch on to you because you're making yourself available, which is the wrong reason. And she may have parental or religious or social deterrence from dating. It's quite possible that someone has instilled the idea in her that having a boyfriend is wrong and would probably mess up her life right now. These are all possibilities, I can't guarantee that she has every one of these things going through her head, but I'm pretty sure at least some of them are there. And now you've made it worse. This is why I suspect you don't have a lot of experience yourself; in asking her the questions you did you raised two issues. The first is that you revealed your own insecurity, which just makes her all the more unsure. You also put her on the spot, which left her feeling embarassed and possibly hurt and attacked. You just wanted to find out, but by doing it the way you did you've just alienated her. Oh and by asking about signals like that you've probably also got her worried about what other signals she might be sending out to you or other guys unawares, since it sounds like she wasn't intentionally leading you on. Major fuck up. Sorry. So, how do you fix this? You might not be able to. It might have been doomed from the start; it's entirely possible that she was never interested in a relationship with you to begin with. Maybe she never even considered the possibilty until you started showing interest and now she doesn't quite know what to think. She doesn't know what she wants - her heart is telling her in there somewhere, but she's got all this other crap going through her head and drowning it out. She will find that voice eventually and figure this out and it's your job to help her in that respect. You cannot ask her directly. In fact, let me repeat that for emphasis. DO NOT under ANY circumstances ask her what she wants, if she's interested in you or if she wants to date. She doesn't have an answer to these questions and asking just puts her on the spot again. My advice to you is just to back off and be low key about the whole affair. You need to show her that you're for real, that you really think she's the best thing to happen to you since you first discovered masturbation and that you want to be with her. Talk to her as often as possible. Ask her how her day went whenever you see her and how she's feeling and really listen to what she tells you. Show concern, ask questions and provide empathy. Communicate! Don't try to hurry things along. You can take her on dates and such, maybe even hold her hand. I leave that up to your discretion. She'll let you know if it's okay or not. Don't let the romantic aspect slip completely into the background; you still want that I assume, so don't get in her face with it, but don't let her forget either. Take her out to dinner and movies, take her to romantic places. Don't try to kiss her just yet; that's putting her on the spot again. She already told you things are moving too fast for her, so just be patient. This one is going to take a bit of time and a lot of effort on your part. Whether or not she's worth it is a judgement for you to make. Pay attention to what she tells you, both in words and actions. I promise you that as you proceed she will make things clear. If it helps, try approaching it from this angle. What you want right now is not a relationship with her. What you want is to know if that's possible. You said you're an engineer, so use your engineering background if that will help you approach this with confidence. Look at all of this as a big feasibility test; you're trying to figure out whether the grounds here are suitable to build a relationship on. It's going to take time for things to stabilize a bit before you'll know the answer, but you need to keep an eye on the situation and constantly change the nature of your testing to suit the changing parameters as they arise. And a final repetition for emphasis; be confident! Everything you do with this girl is just testing the waters. Rejection is an outcome, it's not a favourable one but it is an outcome which is what you're after. If you're unsure you're only going to confuse her more. Confidence, as always in relationships, is key. Good luck. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame