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noahfor · 11-27-2005, 07:16 PM

I feel really bad all the time and I just wanted to see if anybody has any ideas of what I should do. I've been depressed for almost three years, and have been on celexa, prozac, and effexor all for at least six months each. None of those medications have seemed to do anything. Recently, my emotional state seems to be getting a lot worse. I wake up feeling terrible, an odd kind of bad feeling, like something you would feel in a dream. I feel like I am not in the same world that I have been living in. I feel like I'm part of some nightmare where everything just feels bad. I feel nothing for people I used to love. I will talk to these people and they will just give me all kinds of weird feelings that make them seem like strangers, and this just makes me feel worse. It hurts me just to talk to my mom or dad or girlfriend, so I don't. They will say things and immediately I will just hate them for it, or think they are stupid, but I don't want to be thinking these things. They just pop into my head. I just want to sleep all the time because I can feel good in my dreams. Have you ever been so scared of something real. For instance, you found out your dad has cancer, and the fear or some other bad feeling worse than fear, dread maybe, just takes over your life. Every moment of the day feels like that. Like dread is what is happening. That is how I feel but for no reason it seems, and these facts just make me feel worse, and then that results in other effects that make me feel even worse. My life has no plot except that it is bad. I hear people tell me they love me and it doesn't feel like anything to me. I can't feel anything good at all. I'm also in school, and I can't go to class because it makes me so nervous. I'm not worried people are thinking bad things about me or that I might say something stupid; I'm just worried. I just keep wishing I could go back in time. People take for granted that good things will make them feel good and bad things will make them feel bad, but I feel like nothing can make me feel good, and everything makes me feel bad, like my brain is just some program that produces bad feeling no matter what the input is. I know I need help, but I can't help but doubt that there is any help. I hear that antidepressants make you feel numb and I dont want that, even though I am numb right now. I can't help but think that the meds made me this way. Do you think I should go back on medication? I can't help but feel paranoid about it making me "numb". I mean I feel numb now, but I don't want to be satisfied being numb. Really, I just want to be able love the people that I love. How can something so special be lost so easily. It makes life seem like a joke. All I feel is negativity for the people I once loved and I can't help it. It seems like their importance just faded away like the funniness of a joke you hear more than once, and it shouldn't be that way. Things that are important shouldn't be like joke. I think maybe I just don't like my girlfriend, but then I think about the way I used to feel about her, and I need to get it back. I don't know how to like people. I just get used to them and wear them out, but I don't want to be that way. It seems like all I control is my body, and thoughts and feelings are just coming from nowhere.
Is it possible to change who you are. Everytime someone says something, some negative criticism just pops into my head. How do I stop valuing the things I value?

Thanks for reading.

11-27-2005, 07:16 PM	#9 (permalink)
noahfor Addict	I feel really bad all the time and I just wanted to see if anybody has any ideas of what I should do. I've been depressed for almost three years, and have been on celexa, prozac, and effexor all for at least six months each. None of those medications have seemed to do anything. Recently, my emotional state seems to be getting a lot worse. I wake up feeling terrible, an odd kind of bad feeling, like something you would feel in a dream. I feel like I am not in the same world that I have been living in. I feel like I'm part of some nightmare where everything just feels bad. I feel nothing for people I used to love. I will talk to these people and they will just give me all kinds of weird feelings that make them seem like strangers, and this just makes me feel worse. It hurts me just to talk to my mom or dad or girlfriend, so I don't. They will say things and immediately I will just hate them for it, or think they are stupid, but I don't want to be thinking these things. They just pop into my head. I just want to sleep all the time because I can feel good in my dreams. Have you ever been so scared of something real. For instance, you found out your dad has cancer, and the fear or some other bad feeling worse than fear, dread maybe, just takes over your life. Every moment of the day feels like that. Like dread is what is happening. That is how I feel but for no reason it seems, and these facts just make me feel worse, and then that results in other effects that make me feel even worse. My life has no plot except that it is bad. I hear people tell me they love me and it doesn't feel like anything to me. I can't feel anything good at all. I'm also in school, and I can't go to class because it makes me so nervous. I'm not worried people are thinking bad things about me or that I might say something stupid; I'm just worried. I just keep wishing I could go back in time. People take for granted that good things will make them feel good and bad things will make them feel bad, but I feel like nothing can make me feel good, and everything makes me feel bad, like my brain is just some program that produces bad feeling no matter what the input is. I know I need help, but I can't help but doubt that there is any help. I hear that antidepressants make you feel numb and I dont want that, even though I am numb right now. I can't help but think that the meds made me this way. Do you think I should go back on medication? I can't help but feel paranoid about it making me "numb". I mean I feel numb now, but I don't want to be satisfied being numb. Really, I just want to be able love the people that I love. How can something so special be lost so easily. It makes life seem like a joke. All I feel is negativity for the people I once loved and I can't help it. It seems like their importance just faded away like the funniness of a joke you hear more than once, and it shouldn't be that way. Things that are important shouldn't be like joke. I think maybe I just don't like my girlfriend, but then I think about the way I used to feel about her, and I need to get it back. I don't know how to like people. I just get used to them and wear them out, but I don't want to be that way. It seems like all I control is my body, and thoughts and feelings are just coming from nowhere. Is it possible to change who you are. Everytime someone says something, some negative criticism just pops into my head. How do I stop valuing the things I value? Thanks for reading.