I'm transferring this from my journal, because it's easier to discuss in an actual thread. I wanted to use the journal to just describe what happened, and come here to analyze why I felt and behaved the way I did:
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Originally Posted by Cynthetic
Servants are there to serve, not be friends. It takes some getting used to but they are to be servants first. My best friend still recalls some of the dinner challenges he had when things were not just right and the servant was chastised for not completing her duties perfectly.
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This is in response to a part of my journal detailing how I messed up talking to a maid. I invited her to call me by my first name and then asked for a Coke or Pepsi. The maid wouldn't call me by my first name, and offered to send out for a soft drink. I tried to switch to water, but Grace gave my arm a squeeze to indicate I should tell the woman what I wanted and let her go.
This confuses me for a couple of reasons. The way I was raised was that you address a superior or someone in a business relationship as [title][lastname] unless invited to do otherwise. The maid addressed me as Dr. Nakamura, and I invited her to call me Gilda. I don't see why her calling me by my first name is impolite after I've invited her to do so, or how this would prevent her from doing her job properly, or why it's anybody's business but mine what she calls me.
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While it's a pain, socializing is an important aspect to careers as I mentioned before. It's a shame because if you have all the talent in the world, if you don't shamelessly self promote yourself in some manner, you stay exactly where you are.
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That's why I've been debating how much to put into the socializing aspect. I know I'll be a good teacher, that students will enjoy my classes for the most part and will learn the subject matter well, that I'll be able to publish in journals on a regular basis. That should be enough to at least get me to assistant professor without any social stuff. Tenured full professor is the big step. The main advantage of each promotion is less teaching of survey courses and more upper division and graduate stuff, and a smaller class load.
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Why take umbrage to someone flirting with you that is straight? I took none to any gay man who flirted with me at any gay bars I was at. It's harmless until they touch you in an inappropriate manner, and that's bad form.
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First, it was the third part of the party with the stress of forced interaction and all of the mistakes I'd been making piling up, so anything that goes off script at that point was going to be stressful. Attempting to flirt with me was definitely not expected behavior.
One of the first things that we'd talked about in any interaction was that yes, I was married, to the tall Japanese woman in the black dress. It usually followed closely behind asking about my name. So they knew going in that I was both gay and married, meaning that there was no way in hell they were getting in my pants. Attempting to flirt with me knowing that I was gay is silly, and makes them look a little silly, but it isn't offensive. Attempting to flirt with me knowing I was married is downright insulting, as it implies that they think I'm less than completely faithful to Grace. Questioning my love for my lifemate is an insult no matter how it's disguised.
Do they keep flirting even after they find out you're straight? What would the point of that be?
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Being gracious when the spotlight is on you is an important thing to allow happen. It doesn't happen all the time, but you have to let it. It makes OTHER people feel better. I didn't care to don a cap and gown for graduation, but it wasn't for me, it was for my parents.
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I disagree on the graduation thing. Graduation is for the graduates. The audience is there to support them.
I don't think I was ungracious. I accepted the toast, raised my glass for the toast (some wit had to make fun of my toasting with a soft drink
) and accepted. I did turn beet red, which one of the women had to note and make fun of also (I'm very pale, so when I blush, it's very, very obvious), which further added to my discomfort, but I didn't do anything up to that point other than accept the hospitality, even though I would have gratefully crawled into a hole an covered up if I could have.
I was very polite when I declined to have my picture taken. Both times. I explained, again, politely, that I don't like having my picture taken. Why shouldn't matter; if someon doesn't want their picture taken, for whatever reason, you don't take their picture. If anyone was being ungracious here, it was her. Grace is the only one who takes my picture, and even then it's iffy whether I'm ok with in or end up freaking out. I still sometimes get flashbacks even when it is Grace. Having a strange woman take pictures of me with a group of middle aged men standing around watching wouldn't have been just uncomfortable, it would have felt like an assault. Of course there's no way to say that to them, but I shouldn't have to say anything but that I don't like having my picture taken.
Anyway, Grace did manage to extract me without insulting the woman, so it ended ok.
Gilda