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Originally Posted by Supple Cow
I hate to say it this way, Gilda, but it actually makes me a little sick to my stomach to read this thread because I am familiar with the feelings you are describing - only my reasons for having felt them were not the same as what I imagine yours to me and that is probably why I don't feel that way very often anymore. (And yes, I still find you quite more than acceptable, even though it doesn't really matter what I think.)
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Sure it does. I respect your opinions, even when I disagree with them. This place would have little value to me if I didn't care about what the people here said and thought.
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What is the feeling? That it's not okay to make mistakes. This sounds really basic and I am fairly certain you've said it to countless middle school students in your lifetime, but I don't think you really believe it yet, so I'll repeat it to you: It's okay to make mistakes.
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I know that. It isn't the mistakes that bother me, it's the potential negative consequences that go with them. I can't alienate someone if I never say anything offensive to them, and I can't say anything offensive if I avoid saying anything with potential to offend. For example, in the conversation with the woman in the hallway yesterday, I could have commented on how charming I found her accent coming from an Asian woman, but there are three or four ways for her to find offense in such a statement, so I kee it to myself. Sure, she might have just accepted it at face value, but I have no way of knowing what the outcome would be (Fortune Telling), so it's best to err on the side of caution and not say anything.
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You are being very analytical about who you are, why you are who you are, and why the people around you behave as they do. But the language you use in this thread (and sometimes in other threads) tells me that you aren't playing by those rules yet. The consequences you perceive at the end of all these potential social interactions betray your fear of messing something up. But you know what? It's okay to make mistakes.
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So, wait, you mean that it's ok to make mistakes? Sure, I get that. But it doesn't hurt to minimize the number of mistakes we make.
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So what if you wrote something in the heat of the moment? So what if some random internet stranger in another state or another country reads your posts and doesn't realize what you were going through when you wrote them? So what? Grace and Sissy still love you and you will still be the wonderful person that you are. Hell, even if you spammed the TFP with obscenities and were banned ignominiously, it wouldn't change a damn thing in Grace or Sissy's mind. Your students would still listen to you. You have a safe, if small, network of people who love and/or respect you. You have their love and respect because you earned it.
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There's something I don't think you understand. I don't have any friends in real life. Grace and Sissy and Boris are my family. I had those guys in my comic club, but they weren't friends, just some guys I shared an interest with, and who respected me because I know a lot about comics, I'm really good at leading a discussion of literature (it is what I do for a living) and I have a truly awesome collection of comic books and cartoons. They weren't friends, but even that small connection is gone.
Of course Grace and Sissy will still love and respect me. I get that unconditionally from Grace because I'm her lover, and from Sissy because I'm the closest thing to a decent parent she's ever had.
That type of unconditional acceptance doesn't exist when I'm interacting with strangers, when I'm in a store or restaurant, or talking to a colleague I just met in the corridor, so I have to be very careful with what I say and do. They're going to react to me based solely on my actions and their perceptions of me, so I have to be careful to project just the right image and be much more careful what I say. I've gone back and changed the wording in this post and deleted a paragraph already because I want to be as clear as possible, and not be tempted to come back here tomorrow and erase this
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If you decide to try talking to strangers again anytime soon, I hope you'll humor me and try a different approach, remembering that it's okay to make mistakes. (I know that the whole concept feels like gambling, and you don't strike me as a gambler, but I'm going to use the metaphor anyway.) Try to think of it as a bet placed with a $20 bill you just found instead of $20 of your own hard-earned cash. That way, you can remember that no matter the outcome, you won't come out of the situation any worse off. Who cares if the casino might get $20 richer? You either have a net gain, or you end up right where you started. Not a bad place to be. Grace and Sissy still love you, remember? Oh yeah, and it's okay to make mistakes. 
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Thank you. I appreciate the advice. I don't think it's possible for any interaction to have only an upside, though. TANSTAAFL.
Gilda