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Originally Posted by lurkette
Oh, my dear. You don't need to apologize, and it's not selfish - I see you beat yourself up and I just want to either hug you or hold my head in my hands. I SOOOO don't want to be harsh because you seem to be fallow ground for internalizing people's comments, but I think you missed the point.
You went back to edit things because you feel they reflect badly on you and you wanted some control over your surroundings; we're not upset that you did this and certainly don't think it was selfish (at least I don't) - we just want you to get that (here's "the point" that you missed) those things you hate about yourself and want to edit out make you loveable to us and make us think about ourselves. Isn't that the best essence of being human? Connecting with other people and seeing yourself in them?
Oh, honey, I know you've been hurt in some big and deep ways, and it probably started (as ratbastid has said) early early in life. So early that this automatic self-hatred is just the water you swim in. It's so true, it's like breathing. You don't think about it, it just IS the way it IS. Let me say again, there's absolutely nothing wrong with how you are. The only thing that's "wrong" with it is that you are caught between familiar ways of being, and seeing that you want something else and not knowing how to get it because you just feel trapped inside yourself.
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I think that most of the time, judgments exist because there is some element of truth to them. I don't mean to say that all judgments are always true all the time, but if we're not going to live entirely within ourselves, we have to, on some level accept that other people matter also. We have to give others power to affect us in order to be connected to them. When we're in a situation where the power already lies with the other people, such as when we're in a restaurant, or in a store, or talking to a supervisor, it makes sense to recognize that they already have the power whether we like that or not. When asking for directions, it's the other person who has the power, to decide whether to give them or not, to give them accurately or not. This isn't internalizing negative things, it's just recognizing reality.
This is part of why I had more difficulty asking the men for directions than the women. In a very real physical sense, these guys had the power to do me great physical harm, and if they chose to do so, I would have little to no ability to do anything about it. Recognizing this isn't internalizing outside influences, it's just recognizing reality. I understand that this is highly unlikely, but to not be aware of this possibility is to be taking an unnecessary chance.
Thank you, I'll look at it.
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When I'm upset about something, when I hate myself and nothing in my life feels like the way it should be, and I just want a reset button so I can start over and do it right this time, I look at these and ask myself:
1. What's the situation (just describe the absolute facts, e.g., my boss said "you didn't turn in the report I asked for on time", or I didn't pay my electric bill on time)
2. What automatic thoughts am I using (e.g., "I'm a failure and my life is out of control")
3. What cognitive distortions am I using (e.g., labeling and magnification)
4. What could I ask to challenge this (e.g., what areas of my life are in control? What have I succeeded at?)
5. What would be a more realistic statement? (e.g., I was late with the assignment; my system for paying bills is not working)
All we want is for you to see yourself the way we all see you.
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Ok let me try. I'll use the Denny's incident:
1. What's the situation
Nobody served me or took my order for half an hour.
2. What automatic thoughts am I using
The people decided not to serve me. They saw something about me that they disliked.
3. What cognitive distortions am I using
From your thread:
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
A. MIND READING: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out.
B. THE FORTUNETELLER ERROR: You can anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.
I was doing both A and B.
4. What could I ask to challenge this?
What other reasons might there be for their not serving me?
5. What would be a more realistic statement?
They might have decided not to serve me, or it might be an oversight. I have no way of knowing which it is. There's no way of knowing what would happen if I decided to confront them about it.
Ok, I get to this point, and I'm not sure what to do next. Let's assume I had the presense of mind to do this at the restaurant. Maybe I get up and leave earlier instead of sticking it out? I realize now that that's what I should have done. Maybe I just chalk it up to bad service at a restaurant, and say, well, getting an egg McMuffin instead of getting an omelette isn't such a bad thing.
I don't know. The problem is that that's in the past, and I can't see any way to apply this in the moment, when I'm faced with an interaction that isn't going by the rules, the script I'm used to. It would take far too much time and presense of mind; it's really only in hindsight that I'm able to do this. It's taken me a good 15-20 minutes to write this, thinking about each part of it, and referring to the list a couple of times.
Still, I do very much appreciate the help.
Gilda