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Rodney · 10-26-2005, 01:04 PM

I lived with my wife for a long time befor we actually got legally married; and it was understood that we were together forever. Nevertheless, occasionally she'd bring it up, and I'd just get all stuttery. After a while, she did it just to watch me stutter.

Don't know why. As far as I was concerned, I'd committed to her forever, and yet the whole thing about Making It Legal panicked me on some level; maybe because it meant things would change in some mysterious way beyond my control. Maybe because what was mine would now be _legally_ half hers instead of just, well, because I said it was. And I had the freedom to change my mind. Dunno.

From a legal standpoint, this is how an attorney once defined marriage for me: "Marriage is a package of mutual responsibilities and obligations." And I think most guys realize that on a basic level: once you say, "I do," it's not just about supporting each other because you want to, but because you now _have to._ Even if at some later date you in theory decide you don't love that person anymore, or they don't love you.

As to why women seem more interested in formalizing it than men; well, who has the most to lose if a long-term relationship breaks up? Often the woman. Frankly, a guy with reasonable looks and a good wallet has a much later "sell by" date than most women, and the woman knows that.

The flip side of getting married, of course, is that you _do_ have responsibility for that person. So when they get sick, for example, you can be the one making the decisions instead of his or her family. Because unless you're married or have a medicalYouc power of attorney, you the partner have no rights in that hospital room.

You can build a set of marriage-like responsibilities through getting married through a set of legal agreements, but in the end we took the lawyer's advice and bought the "package" -- tried and true, no possibility of legal challenge or ambiguity.

And in the end, I "proposed" to her. After saying for years, "real soon now," one day I just booked a timeslot at the county courthouse and told her we could go if she was ready. She was ready.

But if she'd have proposed to me, I'd have had no problem. In fact, I'm surprised she didn't. She's pretty assertive about most other things.

10-26-2005, 01:04 PM	#13 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	I lived with my wife for a long time befor we actually got legally married; and it was understood that we were together forever. Nevertheless, occasionally she'd bring it up, and I'd just get all stuttery. After a while, she did it just to watch me stutter. Don't know why. As far as I was concerned, I'd committed to her forever, and yet the whole thing about Making It Legal panicked me on some level; maybe because it meant things would change in some mysterious way beyond my control. Maybe because what was mine would now be _legally_ half hers instead of just, well, because I said it was. And I had the freedom to change my mind. Dunno. From a legal standpoint, this is how an attorney once defined marriage for me: "Marriage is a package of mutual responsibilities and obligations." And I think most guys realize that on a basic level: once you say, "I do," it's not just about supporting each other because you want to, but because you now _have to._ Even if at some later date you in theory decide you don't love that person anymore, or they don't love you. As to why women seem more interested in formalizing it than men; well, who has the most to lose if a long-term relationship breaks up? Often the woman. Frankly, a guy with reasonable looks and a good wallet has a much later "sell by" date than most women, and the woman knows that. The flip side of getting married, of course, is that you _do_ have responsibility for that person. So when they get sick, for example, you can be the one making the decisions instead of his or her family. Because unless you're married or have a medicalYouc power of attorney, you the partner have no rights in that hospital room. You can build a set of marriage-like responsibilities through getting married through a set of legal agreements, but in the end we took the lawyer's advice and bought the "package" -- tried and true, no possibility of legal challenge or ambiguity. And in the end, I "proposed" to her. After saying for years, "real soon now," one day I just booked a timeslot at the county courthouse and told her we could go if she was ready. She was ready. But if she'd have proposed to me, I'd have had no problem. In fact, I'm surprised she didn't. She's pretty assertive about most other things.