ratbastid

You know, I'm not so sure there IS any way an open relationship is. I think there are as many different configurations and arrangements as there are couples participating in those sorts of arrangements.

I'm not big on the term "open relationship" for exactly that reason. It leaves a lot to interpretation. The term "polyamorous" is a better one--it describes more precisely the nature of the external relationships, and conveys that it's not just all about the sex.

Back to the topic, though... Look, if you're not comfortable, say no. If she goes off anyway, you'll have to deal with that. Those are the only two common rules I know in every poly/open/swinging couple: everyone has to be comfortable, all rules must be followed.

On the other hand... Look, there's comfortable and then there's comfortable. lurkette right now is having a relationship with a woman that we were both with until a few months ago. She broke up with me but not with her. This woman remains a good friend of mine, though there has been, as you can imagine, some strain on the relationship. I have to deal with myself every single time they're together, and I always succeed at getting comfortable with it. But I don't start out comfortable, if you get my drift. My commitment to lurkette and her sexual self-expression and happiness has me willing to deal with my emotional responses to the situation, and frankly, I'm a bigger man for it in the end.