crumbbum

so here i am with my fingers drying, i am brittle and solid, a constant compliment, counterproductive counterforce
aching with interminable nobility, satisfied customer of hypocrisy thank you so much, yet at the same time rain falls on me and the spiral teardrops seem to radiate from me with inner vitality. Beauty rides these fat waves of contentment , throwing me cascading through blankets of warmth into the volcano core, the depths of my mind, i didn't mind. I wander around sometimes here, looking for something to do, looking for the person to care, but i will never find it outside of myself, all my life, been looking in the wrong place. Tattered flocks of birds falling around me, I always wanted to kiss the ground. Will it ever be that way again? So in that month ahead when I stand at the center of it-wall, where will I begin? What could I feel there, will the dawn break like dew drops nurse the morning? We will never surrender, we and these towering ramparts that build us up only to fall apart.

I fall from 10,000 feet, slamming into the ground breaking my shoulder, a dust cloud forms around me. I tried to touch the mirror but I fell to pieces. I am cracked down the middle, walking a line between indelibable anger and loss, and noxious complacency. You know nothing of my pain. I raise my hand at chest level, my palm is towards you, you will not pass this. I have drawn the line now. The line to trip over, the line that strangles me from behind. And oh, how my memories burn, yet the fire is ice-cold. I tried to warm myself by it and came away frozen and burning. Oh, to see the blood drip from your mouth. Roll me in the wheat scattered across this scorched earth. Rise and be free. Water rained down on me from above, i tried to wash my hands. They are so tattered and covered with soot. I washed my face, and now my face is covered with ashes too. If I could stop pulling my hair out I'd cut it off. i just want to burn, and let it go.
(I once was young and have become old, but never overlooked a righteous man who was destitute, with his children begging for bread. The Lord will give strength to his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace. Lord, let our captivity be a thing of the past, like dried up streams in the Negev. Thos who sow in tears will reap in joy.)

I can never say any better than is there, and still i rebel. With my self-destroying weakness, i give in, and in, and in, and lose myself in it. I immerse myself in that which is hateful to me. And why? despair? I hurt myself only, i sabotage my own efforts. No more. It is time to end the iniquity and cleanse my face. I will not walk in shadows of living, i will not be buried in the corners of this dusty house that has become my prison. I will walk through it, transcending this, and the swath left in time will swallow back in on itself like velvet waves, rippling and whole. Joseph was a boy who could have been anything, he was lost in conflict. He is left without a sense of self, where he comes from, who he is. He is a sensitive boy. time to decide, for the night is short and dawn is approaching. When the sun explodes over the horizon one must be prepared and ready for it. The flight is yet to come. everything must be scoured, the truth must come out, make me real. I want to feel the pain, I want to live awake. I will not be buried in the landslide, dad, you will never understand. i couldn't get close to you even though I tried. I will make my own life, and I will live in a house made of ashes and brick, with an iron stove and a fireplace that crackles and burns and keeps me warm. My belly wants to swallow this thick well of emotion surrounding it. It radiates but is still restrained, or kept out. Out or in, there is a barrier to cross, because he is scared. He has been hurt in the past, and tries protect himself but it is in vain. The apprentice kneels by the hot coals burning his eyes but warming himself, he watches the red iron beaten and beaten again with the hammer until it is soft and swallowed in flames, never to bend or be broken again.

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Truth is peace. We are all souls in bodies.