Jinn

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. You've provided the
perfect weekend cocktails, a gin with the boys, and you're even
around in the holidays hidden in eggnog and chocolates as you warm
us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet
lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I
feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences,
briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make
me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of
the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is
far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with
chilli sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips
(washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat
all after a few cheese curls and chilli cheese fries) is beyond me.
Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the
issue home by causing me to stagger and fall, it's completely
unnecessary. The black and blue marks that appear on my body
mysteriously the next day is beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often
clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned
from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs,
sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon
animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me
take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet
they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I
most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if
in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is
illegal! from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate
the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming
a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to
the guy/girl with the crooked teeth, acned-up face, bad breath, beer
belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you and
why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have
worn off??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous now. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m -hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin, gatoraid) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the
kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal
and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day
for that matter) activities. C'mon now, it's only fair - you do your
part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker
of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in
my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look
for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.

Thank you from your biggest fan.


Oooh good ol' alcohol..

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel