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Originally Posted by Ambient1
I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere between 10 and 12, I stopped trying. I became cynical of religion, and I really couldn't hide my contempt for those who had faith and believed.
But inside, I'll admit, I was jealous.
I saw how much their religion meant to them - how much it comforted them in trying times. And what was I left with? Nothing. It takes a lot of courage to come face to face with the reality that you will die and you will become nothing. It's a lot easier to think that you'll have a wonderfull afterlife in heaven - even eternal damnation in hell doesn't sound half bad in comparisson!
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I agree, Ambient1... this is the hardest thing for me to deal with in trying to walk away from the trappings of Christianity. I have been trying to come to terms with the idea that this life is all there is, that there is very possibly no after-life of any kind, and in some ways it is very gratifying... it makes me take life more seriously in general.
In other ways, this perspective feels empty and hopeless, compared to the ebullience I seem to remember having as a Christian (perhaps all constructed, but one can't tell at the time... it felt real then). The "comfort" you speak of, that you were once jealous of, is like an addictive force for my mind... because I became a Christian during my most formative years (14-20), it seems I always want to go back to it, like a warm bed that I can't escape... and honestly sometimes I don't know what would be so bad about doing so. Would doing so make me a bad person? Maybe I should be a cop-out and just take what I need from different belief/non-belief systems and be happy with my pluralism... but then I feel like I betray my own integrity and give in to a "drug" leftover from my teen years.
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Originally Posted by Ambient1
Over the years, I've become a bit more moderate... I've gained spirituality, although I still shun "religion". I still find the hardcore religious types to be creepy, and I try to keep my distance as much as possible.
Do I believe in god?
Well, I've gone from trying to believe, to beliving that there was no god. Right now, I'm not sure I believe, although I cannot positively state that there is no god. I guess that makes me an agnostic for now.
I've found that as I've grown older, my need to have some sort of belief system has increased. I've gone through some hard times and I've wondered what the point of living was. To reproduce? Is that it?? So I've been looking for "The meaning of life" and I have been doing some searching for a faith that I can believe in. I've read a lot about Buddhism lately, and it seems to fill a lot of my needs. It's all about self improvement and being content with life. But I'm not here to convert you to it.  |
Yay for Buddhism! I am really curious, though, about how you have run the gamut of non-belief and are now arriving at a sense of spirituality... maybe you can say more in IM if it's a threadjack. I'll also start a related thread over in Living...