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Originally Posted by Prince
Don't take this personally, Crazy, but I honestly believe that people who suffer from depression and come across as if they're dealing with it, but speak of suicide in romanticizing words...they aren't dealing with jack shit. It is people like that that can tell you how much they prefer to live, and be dead the next morning. I know because I've been down that road, and hope I never go back.
Romanticizing it all disgusts me. Sharing stories in detail disgusts me. Not because of the details, but because of the pride that a lot of people seem to feel telling these stories. As if they're in competition somehow. Honestly, when I used to cut my arm, there was no pride to it, there was no beauty to it.
At the same time, though, I realize it is part of depression, and I don't look down on anyone for any of it, regardless of whether they're dealing with it or not. Depression is a tunnel that seems like it's never going to end, when you're walking in it.
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You're extremely introspective about this. As much as I don't want to admit it. I do romatize the idea of suicide at times, which in general prevents me from ever giving it up as an option. Also it is sometimes hard for me to identify myself without the depression. Like having depression is a defining characteristic for me. I've had it for so long, it's like I don't know how to respond without thoughts of cutting cutting or suicide, when I become upset or sad. I was wondering if you had any advice on how to work through this?
You're also right, about people sharing stories of suicide and seeming to take a sick pride in them. I can't really benefit from group therapy due to the fact the everyone tries to out do one another. No one wants to be told that their pain isn't as bad as someone else's when their hurting. No one wants to have their feelings marginalized. People want to prove that they are hurting and sometimes that is the easiest way for them to do it. Like AA's compare horror stories.
Of course this type of venting experiences around others with thoughts of suicide can influence emotional sensitive people that they need to take action to be taken seriously. I have changed drastically in who I tell my stories to. Anyone who had a sob story I would relate my own to them.
The last time I was in a hospital a young girl who was also there for attempted suicide actually told me how many times in various ways she had tried to kill herself, after I told her I was there for attempting suicide when she asked. She had actually kept count. I just listened to her quietly and said that I wasn't very proud of my suicide attempts and left it at that.
I think the reason for this, is the in our society mental illness is sometimes viewed with a stigma. Also it is hard to prove you actually have a mental illness to others until something bad happens. Unfortunately people in society are too ignorant to relize that suicide is usually an implusive behavior and you can live with crippling depression without attempting suicide.
I feel bad that many people with depression get discarded by not appearing to other to "be serious" about it. Just because someone does or doesn't try to commit suicide should not be a factor in the amount of pain their in.
People who use the threat of suicide as a manipulation tool, have minimized the importance and severity of the word or thought of suicide.