John Henry

Just met up with my ex for the first time since we split. I got a call from her saying she was back in town. I arranged to meet up with her half an hour later (not through eagerness on my part, but just because I'm watching soccer with the lads tonight and hoping to arrange some dates over the weekend).

After I got back, I remembered this thread and thought I'd put some of my thoughts on the matter down for anyone else in the same situation. Most of this just summarises what has already been said, but who wants to read a whole thread?



Time to get over it: That's what it takes. From speaking to other people, I reckon that as long as you let yourself get over it, it should take an average of about a sixth of the time you were seeing each other. Don't expect to be over it quicker than that, but do stick it out and remember: "Sorrow will have an end."



Fill the hole: Your feelings are made of chemicals and they're still going to be sloshing round your body after you split up. You need to find something to stick them to so they can process properly or you'll wind up feeling frustrated and lonely. I took up playing guitar again (not that I ever really stopped, but I started to play a lot less). I'd forgotten how much passion I used to invest in it. If you're not into music, you must have some kind of passion. Sports? God? If not, get one, quick. Everyone needs something to love that will never leave them.

Also, make sure you see your friends at every opportunity. Don't just meet up with the friends you hang out with at the moment. Look up old buddies you haven't seen for ages and meet up with them. If you haven't seen them for ages, you've nothing to lose anyway.

By doing these things, you will not only 'fill the hole' left by the breakup, you will actually gain something from it.



Get fit: Start doing some sort of excercise. I don't care if you hate it, so did I until I tried it. There are multiple reasons why this is benificial.

1) It comes under 'filling the hole'. It's something to take up your time and a way to socialise if you get fit by playing sports.

2) It'll improve your figure, which will make you more confident and improve your chances of attracting more future partners.

3) This is the biggie: It just makes you feel good. Straight after excercise you get a big endorphin rush. This is what gives you the big warm glow you'll be missing now that you're not getting laid. On top of that, being healthy increases your general sense of well-being. Make sure you're carbed up, though, otherwise you'll get a nasty, low blood sugar downer after the high.



Take a cold shower: This is very grounding. It helps to remind you that you are a physical part of the universe. You are not just a bunch of thoughts bouncing round your brain, nor are you only defined relative to anyone else. Cold showers are good for you too and are supposed to be very good after excercise to prevent muscle cramp. Plus you get an endorphin rush from this too. One tip: Don't go straight into a cold shower. Start with it warm then gradually turn down the temperature.



Get out: Fresh air. Sunlight. People. Fact.


Don't be afraid to hate: If you start feeling hate, go with it, don't beat yourself up and say "Oh but he/she's so wonderful and it's all my fault..." Bullshit. Everyone is an assmunch at the end of the day. Accept that and you'll be a much happier person. Plus you don't have to hate him/her forever, only as long as it takes to make you feel better. Same goes for crying and anger. All these are cathartic: They turn bad into good. Same DOES NOT go for anxiety/depression, if you start feeling these, go for a run. You might still feel bad when you get back, but you'll definitely feel worse if you sit there and sink into it.



DO have a rebound: But not too serious and not until you're ready. You may have been left with a sense of powerlessness, worthless and rejection. A rebound will cure this. Don't, however, go looking to hard for it and don't string anyone along. Both of these will make you end up feeling shitty. Just wait until you're ready, and start hanging out where you know lots of sluts go (this goes for boys and girls) and let it happen. That way neither of you will expect anything you're not going to get and you can both have some fun. Don't go beyond third base or one of you might start getting emotionally involved. Oh, and for God's sake don't mention your ex, or you'll never pick up. There's no such thing as sympathy sex.

Anything like another serious relationship will come along in its own sweet time.



Get back in touch with your ex: Unless they get in touch first. But DON'T get in touch until you've had time to break the bond. I know a couple who spoke every night after they split up and last I heard, they still hadn't got over it. I think it's important to have some contact, otherwise you might just spend the rest of your life in denial. If you're as lucky as me, you'll see that neither of you feels anything for the other any more and that the person you were in love with no longer exists. This will bring you to the realisation that what you are missing is the love and the bond, not the person themselves. No matter what conventional wisdom and your breeding routines tell you, you can have these things with someone else. This is your cue to start whistling the solo to McCartney's "For No-One". It's a good solo.



Remember, they're all just a bunch of crazy apes: This is probably the most important one and will help you through all those problems that are really just in your head (ie. not starvation or severed limbs). Most such problems are to do with people and they're just a bunch of crazy apes, so who cares.

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"No one was behaving from very Buddhist motives. Then, thought Pigsy, he was hardly a Buddha, nor was he a monkey. Presently, he was a pig spirit changed into a little girl pretending to be a little boy to be offered to a water monster. It was all very simple to a pig spirit."