Skier I think you hit the nail on the head in one of your earlier posts. You mentioned finding meaning for yourself. You don't need a god to do that.
I may just be assuming too much, but god has probably never personally talked to you. There is a reason for that I believe.
If you define god as the creator of all and giver of meaning (as it seems a lot of us do) You eliminate Him from our observable frame of reference. (e.g. if god created time he must exist independent of time, which means he exists outside our universe. If our universe is defined "as all that is" or at least all that we can observe, then god is unobservable to us.)
The whole point being that everyone lives without God because even if he exists no one can prove or disprove it.
Essentially we are alone in the universe, by which I mean no other being can know our minds so well as ourselves. And, if there is no god to give us meaning who better to do it than ourselves? If you need to believe that there is some great plan for everything it is certainly within your capability to find one. Who is to say that it is wrong? No one truly knows what there is no evidence for so it can't logically be contested.
It sounds like you're struggling a little. I hope that helped...
