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Mondak · 05-20-2004, 08:01 AM

We all learn in different ways. I learned a lot more about life in college dealing with people and situations than in the classroom - and that is coming from someone who got good grades from a great school.

I would suggest a little perspective that does not include you. This may be tough to do since a lot of your comments compare her to you.

Let's look at the (my?) big three for young people. I choose these because they have the longest term implications:

Your sister is not pregnant. Early kids or even early abortions can have long lasting effects on people. This is a lesson that you pay for for the rest of your life and creates one point in your life that you think of BEFORE the event and AFTER the event. Major regrets can be pretty darn tough to overcome.

Your sister is not married. At that age, it is tough to know yourself let alone who is a good match to spend the rest of your life with. It is almost a similar thought to the above, but can really mess up the rest of your life unless you are REALLY lucky.

Your sister is not into drugs (heavy stuff at least) and is otherwise healthy. Being in a fairly controlled (not in a bad way, just in that it was somewhat grounded) family environment growing up leads to a natural want to experiment. She has not become heavily addicted to a substance and any poor decitions she made did not get her injured or injur others.

Those three areas tell me that she is young, but in the long term still has just about all the oportunities she ever had. She may have hurt the family, but really the family needs to be supportive of her growth as a person and hope and encourage heathy decitions without judgement or shame. Building up a picture (maybe by mom?) of whatever path she was "supposed" to take may be a sign of Codependency. Maybe this event can be good for mom in the long term. We put a lot of hopes into our children and it can be devestating when things don't turn out as we had planned.

You are a diffrent person and you would not have wanted to be compared to your sister in any terms either - much less your success / work ethic / judgement. Don't let something that is somewhat common in the grand scheme of things turn into a stigma of failure for your sister to have to overcome. I would imagine that would only lead to more poor decition making for her.

Spend some time with her this summer. Try your best to relate and NEVER judge. I bet there is a story from your college that the only difference between what you did and what she did (the bus story thing for her) where the only difference was that you did not get caught. That may help both of you. Judging never teaches, but it often hurts. She can come to conclusions on her own about what she did or did not do.

Your sister learned consequences and learned about balance. JMU is not an easy school to get into and I am sure she is smart and capable of getting better grades. She just did not balance personal life with her "work" life. That is a pretty good thing to see consequences of firsthand. When you don't get that right at an older age you lose a house or a marriage.

See this as an opportunity and be mature and intelligent about it. Finally, if you would like to talk about this with me, PM me. We can talk further if you think it can help.

05-20-2004, 08:01 AM	#38 (permalink)
Mondak Industrialist Location: Southern California	We all learn in different ways. I learned a lot more about life in college dealing with people and situations than in the classroom - and that is coming from someone who got good grades from a great school. I would suggest a little perspective that does not include you. This may be tough to do since a lot of your comments compare her to you. Let's look at the (my?) big three for young people. I choose these because they have the longest term implications: *Your sister is not pregnant.* Early kids or even early abortions can have long lasting effects on people. This is a lesson that you pay for for the rest of your life and creates one point in your life that you think of BEFORE the event and AFTER the event. Major regrets can be pretty darn tough to overcome. *Your sister is not married.* At that age, it is tough to know yourself let alone who is a good match to spend the rest of your life with. It is almost a similar thought to the above, but can really mess up the rest of your life unless you are REALLY lucky. *Your sister is not into drugs (heavy stuff at least) and is otherwise healthy.* Being in a fairly controlled (not in a bad way, just in that it was somewhat grounded) family environment growing up leads to a natural want to experiment. She has not become heavily addicted to a substance and any poor decitions she made did not get her injured or injur others. Those three areas tell me that she is young, but in the long term still has just about all the oportunities she ever had. She may have hurt the family, but really the family needs to be supportive of her growth as a person and hope and encourage heathy decitions without judgement or shame. Building up a picture (maybe by mom?) of whatever path she was "supposed" to take may be a sign of Codependency. Maybe this event can be good for mom in the long term. We put a lot of hopes into our children and it can be devestating when things don't turn out as we had planned. You are a diffrent person and you would not have wanted to be compared to your sister in any terms either - much less your success / work ethic / judgement. Don't let something that is somewhat common in the grand scheme of things turn into a stigma of failure for your sister to have to overcome. I would imagine that would only lead to more poor decition making for her. Spend some time with her this summer. Try your best to relate and NEVER judge. I bet there is a story from your college that the only difference between what you did and what she did (the bus story thing for her) where the only difference was that you did not get caught. That may help both of you. Judging never teaches, but it often hurts. She can come to conclusions on her own about what she did or did not do. Your sister learned consequences and learned about balance. JMU is not an easy school to get into and I am sure she is smart and capable of getting better grades. She just did not balance personal life with her "work" life. That is a pretty good thing to see consequences of firsthand. When you don't get that right at an older age you lose a house or a marriage. See this as an opportunity and be mature and intelligent about it. Finally, if you would like to talk about this with me, PM me. We can talk further if you think it can help. __________________ All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed Second, it is violently opposed and Third, it is accepted as self-evident. ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER (1788-1860)