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Kostya · 05-11-2004, 04:37 PM

Hamburgler: THE TRUE STORY!

During the early 70's Hamburgler was the archetypal arch criminal we have all come to fearlove (new word purely for use in relation to gangsters and irate girlfriends). The Hamburgler formed the template for those who would follow: Joker, Shredder even Bill Gates adopted his ratlike features and disposition. The Hamburgler spent his time devising diabolical, yet deeply symbolic plots to liberate massive amounts of Cheeseburgers from his Arch-nemesis Rappin Ronny McDonny (As he was known at the time, during his successful career as a MC and amateur breakdancer in Queens). America during this period was a hotbed of cultural ferment and was undergoing what is now referred to in seedy bars as the 'Second Renaissance of Organised Crime'. Cocaine flooded in to the high-hungry disco swarms, Columbians and Cubans gunned each other down in the streets, Jimmy Conway orchestrated the greatest heist in Mafia history, people were overwhelmed by the loss of the Beatles and the arrival of Bee Gees. The law enforcement agencies were overwhelmed with paperwork as they attempted to launder the bribes that came in from all sides, apart from Dirty Harry who was slaughtering criminals indiscriminantly. In the meantime, with the media focussed almost exclusively on the coca business, the Hamburgler's operation grew with impunity in its tiny dark corner of America. The Cheeseburgers flowed thick and strong, Rappin Ronny's career took a nosedive after a very public and scandalous affair with the Early Bird. The Hamburgler robbed, assaulted and killed with virtual impunity, the ruthless and power crazed mastermind had respect for only one thing, Burgers. It is said that in 75' an underling questioned the longterm market value of Cheeseburgers, Hamburgler hacked his hand off and placed it in the solid gold deep fryer he kept in his lavish underground lair.
It was a heady time for America, and as the gigantic war on drugs unfolded, Hamburgler rode the cheesy wave to the top!
The 80's arrived in a storm of horrific fashion and Rambo films, and by now Hamburgler's power had begun to corrode the stoic street ethics that had taken him to the pinnacle of America's criminal world. During the height of his opulence, Hamburgler was snorting over three cheeseburgers a day along with a potentially deadly cocktail of fries, mustard and strawberry sundaes. The formerly gaunt chiselled features were lost under layers of chubby fat. His consuption of copious amounts of Cola saw the loss of one of his remaining two teeth. Once the reporters of America discovered cocaine to be a far superior drug to hard liquor the negative press about cocaine began to abate and Hamburgler was suddenly in the sights of a coke crazed journalistic community. Tales of Roman style orgies and bizarre Cheeseburger fuelled rituals began to surface in the media. The Hamburgler began to fear for his life as the elusive and never photographed 'Burger King' was alleged to have commissioned assassins to remove his great rival. More and more burgers were being funnelled into the bribery fund, and as the cops began to rediscover doughnuts more and more pressure from the law was brought to bear against the Hamburgler.
By the late 80's, Hamburgler's empire was teetering on the edge of collapse, the man himself harried by the media, the law and the ambitious elements of the underworld was on the brink of collapse. Everybody knew that Hamburgler was behind the series of muders that made McDonalds a no go zone on the east coast during 1982, the cops were simply waiting for a reason to arrest him...

In 1990, they pounced.
The Hamburgler's corpulent frame was hauled out of Bobby's Music by seven corpulent policement on June 8th. Hamburgler had attempted to purchase a highly illegal, but sought after bootleg of Vanilla Ice's 'Ice Ice Baby' from a contact inside the store. The contact turned out to be Agent Frank Duff of the FBI. Hamburgler's fingerprints revealed him to be the perpetrator of numerous crimes ranging from breaking and entering to murder one. It was the early nineties, and elderly judges irritated by the arrival of Milli Vanilli and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles turned their displaced rage upon the Hamburgler, sentencing him to a life sentence with no parole. He was taken to Sing Sing immediately after sentencing.

Inside, the Hamburgler's world crumbled like so many stale McDonalds cookies. He became prey for so many of the predatory elements in the American prison system. Snatched up first by Christian evangelists, then Raelians in a string of exploitative relationships that slowly but surely destroyed what was left of his hope. Until he was taken in by a wise and benevolent drag queen known as 'Mercedes', who would later go on to fame and fortune as a guest on Jerry Springer. On a five year journey with his newfound benefactor, Hamburgler was forced to confront the sexual ambiguity which had plagued him since adolescence and finally to accept his homosexuality. Nobody would have thought anything of it, apart from the fact that Hamburgler also lost all criminal impulses. There have been many kickarse homosexuals in the past, but Hamburgler's newfound prediliction for leather chaps and hair products was intolerable for his cellmates.

Hamburgler was released after Bill Clinton pardoned him out of spite for George W. Bush in his last days as President.

05-11-2004, 04:37 PM	#13 (permalink)
Kostya Little known... Location: Brisbane, Australia	Hamburgler: THE TRUE STORY! During the early 70's Hamburgler was the archetypal arch criminal we have all come to fearlove (new word purely for use in relation to gangsters and irate girlfriends). The Hamburgler formed the template for those who would follow: Joker, Shredder even Bill Gates adopted his ratlike features and disposition. The Hamburgler spent his time devising diabolical, yet deeply symbolic plots to liberate massive amounts of Cheeseburgers from his Arch-nemesis Rappin Ronny McDonny (As he was known at the time, during his successful career as a MC and amateur breakdancer in Queens). America during this period was a hotbed of cultural ferment and was undergoing what is now referred to in seedy bars as the 'Second Renaissance of Organised Crime'. Cocaine flooded in to the high-hungry disco swarms, Columbians and Cubans gunned each other down in the streets, Jimmy Conway orchestrated the greatest heist in Mafia history, people were overwhelmed by the loss of the Beatles and the arrival of Bee Gees. The law enforcement agencies were overwhelmed with paperwork as they attempted to launder the bribes that came in from all sides, apart from Dirty Harry who was slaughtering criminals indiscriminantly. In the meantime, with the media focussed almost exclusively on the coca business, the Hamburgler's operation grew with impunity in its tiny dark corner of America. The Cheeseburgers flowed thick and strong, Rappin Ronny's career took a nosedive after a very public and scandalous affair with the Early Bird. The Hamburgler robbed, assaulted and killed with virtual impunity, the ruthless and power crazed mastermind had respect for only one thing, Burgers. It is said that in 75' an underling questioned the longterm market value of Cheeseburgers, Hamburgler hacked his hand off and placed it in the solid gold deep fryer he kept in his lavish underground lair. It was a heady time for America, and as the gigantic war on drugs unfolded, Hamburgler rode the cheesy wave to the top! The 80's arrived in a storm of horrific fashion and Rambo films, and by now Hamburgler's power had begun to corrode the stoic street ethics that had taken him to the pinnacle of America's criminal world. During the height of his opulence, Hamburgler was snorting over three cheeseburgers a day along with a potentially deadly cocktail of fries, mustard and strawberry sundaes. The formerly gaunt chiselled features were lost under layers of chubby fat. His consuption of copious amounts of Cola saw the loss of one of his remaining two teeth. Once the reporters of America discovered cocaine to be a far superior drug to hard liquor the negative press about cocaine began to abate and Hamburgler was suddenly in the sights of a coke crazed journalistic community. Tales of Roman style orgies and bizarre Cheeseburger fuelled rituals began to surface in the media. The Hamburgler began to fear for his life as the elusive and never photographed 'Burger King' was alleged to have commissioned assassins to remove his great rival. More and more burgers were being funnelled into the bribery fund, and as the cops began to rediscover doughnuts more and more pressure from the law was brought to bear against the Hamburgler. By the late 80's, Hamburgler's empire was teetering on the edge of collapse, the man himself harried by the media, the law and the ambitious elements of the underworld was on the brink of collapse. Everybody knew that Hamburgler was behind the series of muders that made McDonalds a no go zone on the east coast during 1982, the cops were simply waiting for a reason to arrest him... In 1990, they pounced. The Hamburgler's corpulent frame was hauled out of Bobby's Music by seven corpulent policement on June 8th. Hamburgler had attempted to purchase a highly illegal, but sought after bootleg of Vanilla Ice's 'Ice Ice Baby' from a contact inside the store. The contact turned out to be Agent Frank Duff of the FBI. Hamburgler's fingerprints revealed him to be the perpetrator of numerous crimes ranging from breaking and entering to murder one. It was the early nineties, and elderly judges irritated by the arrival of Milli Vanilli and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles turned their displaced rage upon the Hamburgler, sentencing him to a life sentence with no parole. He was taken to Sing Sing immediately after sentencing. Inside, the Hamburgler's world crumbled like so many stale McDonalds cookies. He became prey for so many of the predatory elements in the American prison system. Snatched up first by Christian evangelists, then Raelians in a string of exploitative relationships that slowly but surely destroyed what was left of his hope. Until he was taken in by a wise and benevolent drag queen known as 'Mercedes', who would later go on to fame and fortune as a guest on Jerry Springer. On a five year journey with his newfound benefactor, Hamburgler was forced to confront the sexual ambiguity which had plagued him since adolescence and finally to accept his homosexuality. Nobody would have thought anything of it, apart from the fact that Hamburgler also lost all criminal impulses. There have been many kickarse homosexuals in the past, but Hamburgler's newfound prediliction for leather chaps and hair products was intolerable for his cellmates. Hamburgler was released after Bill Clinton pardoned him out of spite for George W. Bush in his last days as President.