chimbleysweep

i'm a senior in college - i lived with my parents through all of my college life up until about 3/4 months ago. (they don't support me any money.) i've taken up a part time job to support myself - i work 20 hours a week and i have 12-15 hours of classes.

at my job, i get $12/hour and i'm basically grunt work. i arrived at my workplace with hopes of finding a hero, someone i could look up to and inspire me, and help my personal and professional development. i haven't found that - i've found a lot of nervous people - winking executives, confused, angry managers. there is not a feeling of trust or unity in the company. (i hope this isn't the norm, but it may be.)

i've felt off for the last few years - i told myself that moving out would be the panacea i needed. it wasn't - i still feel stuck.

i'm beginning to see what the real world is like, and i'm terrified. i have two fears: the fear of being defective, and the fear of being overwhelmed by the world, and these have made me indulge in fantasy and detach from the world.

i pushed away all my friends for various reasons, except for one, a friend i've had since 5th grade. i met a great friend about 2 years ago, but i lost him. he revealed his sexual orientation and avowed his love for me. i wasn't interested, i tried to work it out for a little while, but then i just ran.

i have trouble doing anything in real life - i can't do homework, laundry, shopping, etc. i haven't focused on any one vice like others i've seen: computer games, alcohol, etc. i just don't have the motivation. do you know the feeling? when bedtime rolls around, i don't want to sleep, but i don't want to stay up. i can't focus to do anything, signing up for classes, getting the mail, etc. in my artificial intelligence class, i've made an A on both exams so far but i haven't turned in any homework.

my gpa has been dropping, from 3.75 to 3.5 to about 3.25. i'm going to be graduating in the fall/winter and i need to plan for the future. i'd prefer academia to the buisness world, but i've failed to prepare, so i probably won't be going to grad school after graduation. i''ll probably try to sort myself out. i'd like to stay part time because i value my free time.

how do i get out of this funk? i have some heroes, but i don't have a personal relationship with them. i feel too ashamed to bring my problem upon others. none of my aquantainces know i feel sad - all they know is i'm a private person.