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Xiangsu · 03-11-2004, 07:57 PM

This is a story I started writing, think I am going to, try at least, make it into a novel. This is just a sample. All criticism and praise is greatly appreciated.

Stuck

Its 1:00 A.M. and I’m just now waking up. I feel like shit. I hate waking up like this, and yet I love it at the same time. I wake up this early to avoid contact with my family and most of my friends. Its lonely at 3:00 A.M., but it ensures that I will make it on time to school and that I won’t have to put up with a lot of shit, well, that is until I get to school.

At this point in the morning, I am oblivious. Completely lost of any idea that today will be my last day alive. I wish I could go back, wish I could tell myself of the impending danger. But damn it all wouldn’t you know that they discontinued the production of the Delorean. Not to mention the fact that I'm fucking dead.

Half an hour later I am debating between masturbation and doing my homework…I chose the latter. Probably a bad idea, especially since I end up stumbling upon a gay porn site. After seeing that I fear I may have lost my ability to produce an erection, only time will tell. That’s one image I don’t want stuck in my head for the rest of the day. However, I am no fortunate one and I have a feeling that this image will indeed be stuck with me for a while.

I keep thinking I need to change. I need to work out, get a hobby, or, more importantly, get a girlfriend. However, I know that girls don’t typically look for fat, ugly, pale guys as partners. I am smart and have a good sense of humor, but most of the time I am quiet, afraid to open up to people. I have been put down too much to allow myself to be open with people. I think maybe I intimidate people, sometimes I think other people see me more like a smart ass or a know-it-all. I think that in a way I kind of try to, not entirely my fault though. Mainly because I have been called a dumbass one too many times and I just want people to know I ain’t…er…am not. The people who told me I was were probably just intimidated and needed to boost their own egos. Kind of sucks that I had to be permanently psychologically damaged to give them a tiny ego boost for that day.

Sometimes when I think about how I used to be I cringe. That was no way to live. I had trouble finding the strength in myself to change, had trouble finding the confidence. I am sure that at some point I might have changed, but it just didn’t seem like it was going to happen any time soon. I know a lot of people, myself included, are probably thinking its bullshit for me to try to blame other people for me acting like a “know it all”. If I don’t want to be that way I need to just stop, and I think more people need to realize they have control of their life. You just need a push, some sort of motivation. Its just a shame for me that I would never be able to experience that…

I take a shower, while standing in the middle of the shower head it seems as though some sort of sick mockery, a symbol for how I always seem to be stuck in the rain. I’m not really that depressed though, not nearly as much as it may sound. However, I am, at this point in the day, stuck, and lost in my wallowing and self-loathing. No one likes to be alone, and I am no different.

I think today is going to be different, today is a time of change. I will emancipate myself from this self imposed prison, today is the day I will take charge of my life.

I think that every morning, and say it about every other day…it never happens.

I look at my homework, again, it seems to be calling for me. I know its what I should do, and I know that if I don’t do it its going to screw up my grades and I will lose any chance of having a good future. At the moment though I have to be honest with you, I don’t really give a shit. I want to masturbate again, but then the haunting image two faggets pops in my head…I decide to play a video game instead.

03-11-2004, 07:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
Xiangsu Addict Location: Illinois	Stuck This is a story I started writing, think I am going to, try at least, make it into a novel. This is just a sample. All criticism and praise is greatly appreciated. Stuck Its 1:00 A.M. and I’m just now waking up. I feel like shit. I hate waking up like this, and yet I love it at the same time. I wake up this early to avoid contact with my family and most of my friends. Its lonely at 3:00 A.M., but it ensures that I will make it on time to school and that I won’t have to put up with a lot of shit, well, that is until I get to school. At this point in the morning, I am oblivious. Completely lost of any idea that today will be my last day alive. I wish I could go back, wish I could tell myself of the impending danger. But damn it all wouldn’t you know that they discontinued the production of the Delorean. Not to mention the fact that I'm fucking dead. Half an hour later I am debating between masturbation and doing my homework…I chose the latter. Probably a bad idea, especially since I end up stumbling upon a gay porn site. After seeing that I fear I may have lost my ability to produce an erection, only time will tell. That’s one image I don’t want stuck in my head for the rest of the day. However, I am no fortunate one and I have a feeling that this image will indeed be stuck with me for a while. I keep thinking I need to change. I need to work out, get a hobby, or, more importantly, get a girlfriend. However, I know that girls don’t typically look for fat, ugly, pale guys as partners. I am smart and have a good sense of humor, but most of the time I am quiet, afraid to open up to people. I have been put down too much to allow myself to be open with people. I think maybe I intimidate people, sometimes I think other people see me more like a smart ass or a know-it-all. I think that in a way I kind of try to, not entirely my fault though. Mainly because I have been called a dumbass one too many times and I just want people to know I ain’t…er…am not. The people who told me I was were probably just intimidated and needed to boost their own egos. Kind of sucks that I had to be permanently psychologically damaged to give them a tiny ego boost for that day. Sometimes when I think about how I used to be I cringe. That was no way to live. I had trouble finding the strength in myself to change, had trouble finding the confidence. I am sure that at some point I might have changed, but it just didn’t seem like it was going to happen any time soon. I know a lot of people, myself included, are probably thinking its bullshit for me to try to blame other people for me acting like a “know it all”. If I don’t want to be that way I need to just stop, and I think more people need to realize they have control of their life. You just need a push, some sort of motivation. Its just a shame for me that I would never be able to experience that… I take a shower, while standing in the middle of the shower head it seems as though some sort of sick mockery, a symbol for how I always seem to be stuck in the rain. I’m not really that depressed though, not nearly as much as it may sound. However, I am, at this point in the day, stuck, and lost in my wallowing and self-loathing. No one likes to be alone, and I am no different. I think today is going to be different, today is a time of change. I will emancipate myself from this self imposed prison, today is the day I will take charge of my life. I think that every morning, and say it about every other day…it never happens. I look at my homework, again, it seems to be calling for me. I know its what I should do, and I know that if I don’t do it its going to screw up my grades and I will lose any chance of having a good future. At the moment though I have to be honest with you, I don’t really give a shit. I want to masturbate again, but then the haunting image two faggets pops in my head…I decide to play a video game instead.