When you're going to be late...

Here's a question for you all.... How do you handle the situation of you're going to be later than expected getting home with your significant other? Do you call or text each other to let each other know? Do you get upset if a certain amount of time has passed and you haven't heard?

 

My wife and I both work in jobs that have "shit happens, stay late" requirements. Other than crappy weather and roads, we don't usually bother to check in.

No formal ground rules. First one home cooks. If you're late, you don't get to whine about leftovers. Molly is OK for about 12 hrs, we need to have a neighbor let her out if both of us are late on the same day. If the weatherman says snow at elevations, that means us.

 

This has always been one of these things where I find myself overthinking and worrying that I'm going to fall into the "demanding bitch of a girlfriend" stereotype. I'm sure I'm probably being irrational.

I'm a worrier. I'm the sort of person who's imagination starts running away with her if you're more than an hour later than expected without any contact. I'm running scenarios in my mind of my loved ones getting hit by a bus, mugged, kidnapped, arrested, bloody and unconscious in the alley... and the later at night it is, the worse my imagination is going to run away with me.

Boyfriend does live sound, so he works evenings and usually doesn't get home until midnight or so. Sometimes it's earlier, sometimes it's later. I usually don't start to worry until it's after 1am and I haven't heard anything from him. He tends to be really consistent about sending a text to say he's leaving if he's on time, but on nights where things run late or he gets caught up talking to his workmates or runs into friends and stays out for a drink, he forgets to let me know, and on occasion has not answered texts and it's something that is beginning to drive me a little bit crazy because I really don't like falling into that panicked "Where are you?! OH MY GOD! ARE YOU DEAD!?!" sort of headspace.

 

I suppose every couple evolves their own protocol. We try to let each other know what's going on. Minor deviations from our normal schedule are common, but we still text info as early as we have it. It's the primary reasons we even got cell phones.

 

I'm a communicator. I expect a minimum level of common-courtesy calls from all those that reside in my domain. My son far exceeds expectations. The other needs reminding, but tries. I'm the one at home with the dogs, holding down the fort, among other things so an occasional heads up from the guys I live with is very helpful. Cellphones, which enhance communication, are awesome.

 

I'm FAR more conscientious about this than my wife. If I'm out of town on a day-trip or overnight, I give myself a 2 hour window as to when I'll be home and let her know. If I'm going to miss that, I call. She will decide to stop and have a visit with a friend/relative for 4 hours and forget to let me know. I've given up worrying about her because it's just the way she is. My son who is developing (finally!) a social life of his own, has her attitude. He knows where he is and that he's ok, so why should he bother to tell me. Pulling in at 2am when he said he'd be home at 11 just shouldn't be a concern to us

 

My SO is in IT and owns his own business. I work remotely, and have a very unpredictable work schedule. Put those two together, and we'd make each other crazy trying to keep a set schedule.

He makes a point to let me know when he's leaving for the day if I'm working from Home as we both live together. I am usually out the door before he's out of bed if I am working in our office.

Other than that.. unless we made made mutual plans, we both operate pretty independently. We both have semi regular evening commitments, but it is not uncommon for me to not hear a peepl or vice versa. until we both get home.

I had the "no news is good news" attitude growing up, and if i said I'd be at X place at X time I had to mean it. Having a proven track record for that helps when it is neccessary to communicate a more strict time.

 

I don't buy the 'I was too busy' (to take a single minute) and check in. I'm not a monster about it but I too, can lose hours when working--still, my people are just outside my consciousness even when I'm working. I think I'm in the minority, maybe in part due to my upbringing and my age. To me, it is a sign of showing that you give a damn. I see blowing off checking in (when plans change significantly) as rude and uncaring. Funny tho', today my spouse, who helpfully is doing both his and my errands is checking in way too much and it's driving me nuts!

 

I think it comes down to what's "normal", schedule-wise.

If something is happening that is outside the norm, I'd let my partner know and would expect the same in return. It's a simple matter of consideration, in my view. Should I wait to eat (for example)?

Right now, I'm in a LDR and we let each other know our movements (otherwise the other person can be waiting by the PC/Skype instead of doing something else they could be doing if they knew that the other person was delayed for an hour).

Of course, what is "normal" will vary between every couple, schedule-wise.

 

The husband and I always let each other know where we are or if we will be late. That has been since day one, July 25, 1976.
I can't remember a time that we have not done that. No matter how mad we are at each other we still let each other know.
Now I'm thinking, is that normal?

 

I minimize the probability of being later than expected, and if it's unavoidable, will contact ASAP. I expect the same from others.

 

We don't usually have much unexpected lateness, but we're both pretty good about texting if it happens.

 

The traffic between the home office and the house is quite predictable, so I rarely have to worry about being late

When we are out of the house (separately), we are both pretty good about giving an idea when we'll be home and text if going to be inordinately late.