When has your SO gone overboard?

Sometimes the only thing you can do is pray they know that they're misbehaving so that for that one instant when they try to do something too drastic, they come down and rethink their actions.

Mine tried to kill herself. I realize that maybe she wouldn't have done it, but I'm no psychologist and I was terrified at that. I still have no idea what to do with her the 8 hours I need to be at work.

So scary.

 

Hi Rogue.

Heck, man/sympathetic expletive at reading your post.

Whilst it's too close to home to go into details here right now, I'd say make sure you've got YOUR support group of homies that you CAN tell all to. Then need to hear the story from you, almost like 'emotional secretaries', by which I mean they hear and thereby kind of record and witness the details. YOU are in the middle of 'madhouse alert' at the moment ... Toto, Kansas etc ... and therefore need safety lines.

'Safety lines' are trusted people who know you well enough BEFORE the crisis to be able to 'remind' you who you are during and after. With this, they help you retain your balance so that regardless of whether overall outcomes are positive or negative, YOU will have been monitoring yourself and being monitored by your homies to be reasonably certain that you are making the Best Decisions in difficult and irrational circumstances.

In my early training when I was responsible for management of people in residential care, this would be done in what were called 'Strains Meetings'. At this point in your relationship with your SO, then, like ThePenuriousLickspittle, whether you like it or not, you're in the position of carER. Walking away entirely is always a choice. But if you're voting to stay in the game, which I reckon you and he are doing, then your support team is an essential.

You know when Spiderman falls off a building? Even as he's doing so, he's throwing safety lines all over the place. Similarly the Hawk in The Avengers when he falls of a building ... shoot an arrow with a line. Now for you, it's too close to home ... this IS, imo, the moment to open up to people who ARE close to home in your life, and whom you can count on.


Ah .. I know where I'm going with this, Rogue: your last line was "So what do you do then???"
Times like these are where there's no specific ONE thing to do, though there COULD be a variety of things you might need to react to at a moments notice. They might not make sense to you and are therefore unpredictable. All YOU can do is to make sure that YOU are in that Karate Kid position of 'Stork' balance ... and it's with the perspectives of your homies and of your hearing yourself telling the story that you achieve this.

Linking to my reply to your other thread, my doing the kind of stuff I've written above helped me to remain sane, and maybe alive, when I was faced with sudden "You Goddamn BASTARD ... you said SCARAB ... YOU .... SAID ........ SCAAAAAARAAAAAAAAAAAB!!!!!!" - followed by her rushing in to the street and up the road, half dressed at one in the morning.

Bottom line, Rogue ... All Strength To You. OK?

 

I wish I had good advice for you, but all I got is to say stay strong. I hope things get better for you.

 

rogue49 I wish there were easy answers for you. I certainly have none. All I can do is wish you the best for the future. I think you know what you have to do. Tough choices indeed. But denial just makes it worse. Best of luck, my friend.

 

I can sympathise with someone who knows they have issues sometimes but doesnt want to get help, because (1) as long as you dont you are not really ill (2) most often than not people I have seen going through the mental health system are not any better off. (3) you always think you can cope with it yourself.

It isnt easy to deal with someone who is irrational sometimes, by definition.

I think the only advice I can give is when things happen that arent right you always have to pick it up with the person. And try to in a calm way and not make it like an attack, but if you dont make someone challenge irrational behaviour it starts to seem normal to them and thats a really slippery slope.

But ultimately no one here knows your partner, no one can really answer... but the above is just what I have picked up in my own experiences with others (and to some degree myself)

 

I have no idea of the details, but I do find myself wondering one thing. Should you really be trying to have a child with her right now?

Separate question: would putting that on hold take some pressure off?

The first thing is to get well, surely?

 

Based on your prose... Kick her to the curb and woo someone else.

She doesn't seem to be making you happy, nor do you seem to be helping her out. No reason for you both to be crazy and miserable.

 

The thing.. sitting in the shadow that no one really wants to say because they realize how much you must want it.

I know a couple who desperately wanted a child. The female had such an awful case of endometriosis that she was incapable of attaining it. She once did become pregnant and the excitement soon wore off when during the normal prenatal screenings they discovered that the fetus had so many abnormalities(anencephaly for starters) it would not live much past birth. She was aging so the couple together were pushing hard for a pregnancy knowing that if there were an opportunity it would only dwindle with age. He did stand by her side, she was emotional, moody, very difficult for anyone to engage. Of course the focus of her sorrow was the painful side effects of the endometriosis, the infertility treatment process and the eventual loss of a child she desperately wanted to have.

Later on the husband started a drastic downward spiral. His behavior became really erratic and worrisome. I forget what all mental malfunctions that he (and she) suffered but he was so non-compliant in therapy her friends and family became very worried about her safety with him. Currently he is unable to work, she holds down three jobs to support him, their house and the numerous medical bills that have been mounting. Now she has come to terms with the fact that she is grateful that she did not have a child added to the mix.

You already seem so incredibly stressed. You have said that you are the one who handles pretty much everything, adding a baby is a lot of work. It means interrupted sleep, laundry, feedings, changing, laundry, constant need for attention, etc, but you know that I am sure. You stated also that she wasn't able to work. Ideally and practically would be for her to take charge of the child during the day while you are working. Do you think she can handle a baby all day alone? It really is a hard job. I would never put down the role of a homemaker, it is giving yourself a 24/7 job that you can never really get a break from. It is incredibly rewarding but honestly a lot of people are not capable of handling the stressful role of child rearing as a full time job. What about her current medical state, is she at her best right now to risk the physical stresses of a pregnancy? If she is irrational now (I am assuming that she is on some hormone therapy) I would be seriously concerned about post-natal depression affecting her afterwards.

She should definitely approach her doctor about your concerns about her mood swings. If you don't trust her to do so, I would recommend that you confide in her physicians privately. Though medical professionals are bound by law not to release information about a patient's care without their authorization they often gain a lot of insight through letters, emails and calls from family members. Making contact with her providers behind her back is not the best, it is far better to be open particularly if you want to keep your relationship. In a case like hers they may require her to seek some counseling or see a psychiatrist before proceeding further in her care, to not do so would be open themselves to a real malpractice risk. The goal isn't to punish anyone, the goal of course is to get her well. Be prepared for her to be a bit angry with you for opening this door with her doctor.

I really feel for you. Try not to forget to take care of yourself first. Caregivers often place most of their energies into those they are caring for and forget to take care of their own needs. You need a bit of a break if you can manage it. I can see you are burning out. You are no good to others if you aren't good to yourself.

 

He nearly did. Crossing the Bay of Biscay I had it all worked out. A little splash in the dark of night. Planning it probably saved me doing it.....

IVF - all those hormones must be like a huge replay of puberty kicking the system. Probably like living with a junkie. Its not forever though is it BUT there may be things that can help so please do speak to the prescribing doctor. Try and take the time to chill out so you don't burn out. Both of you.

 

I was thinking this, too, but didn't want to be the one to say it. This does not sound like the sort of situation that you want to bring a new baby into. I know that questioning that might be the last thing that either of you want to hear, but establishing a healthy, secure home comes before the baby.

 

It's very difficult to know what to say or offer any advice given the information you've provided. I may have missed it but I don't think you even say whether or not this woman is your wife.

Her age? Is it a factor in pushing forward to have a child now rather than waiting until your lives (her life, specifically) have stabilized emotionally and you (in particular) are in a better place financially?

What is the prognosis, going forward, on her trio of medical issues? Is she likely to deteriorate physically as time goes on? How much might her worry, concern, and fear over these medical issues, factor into her behavior right now? Might one or some of the medications she's on be affecting her state of mind? Googling these medications might reveal side effects to explain some of what she's experiencing. If the scary, outrageous statement is a product of these side effects, a re-evaluation of the medication causing them might be in order. In other words, it may not all be "her." Questions for you to think about.

Which of you are the main driver in the push to conceive a child? What are your motivations? What are hers? Do either of you imagine that having a child will magically "fix" things"? I ask because you brought up her excessive spending habits - comfort and avoidance behavior not unlike overeating or alcohol/drug abuse. A way to escape unpleasant realities. Imagining that a child will repair a relationship, fill a void in their life, make everything "all better" and make them "feel" better is not uncommon but it is a selfish reason to have a child. I'm not suggesting that your SO feels this way, simply pointing out that with everything going on in her life, it would be understandable if she subconsciously believed that a child might be the ultimate cure to "wash away her pain". It would also be understandable that you would want to "give" this to her, hoping it will make her happy and possibly harboring the same illusions about the role of a child in your lives.

If her parents are not helping the situation in any appreciable way, I would disengage from them, at least in the short term and especially if it appears they go so far as to make matters worse.

Having gone through similar experiences in my life with loved ones, I'm now convinced that we are always too close to the subject to be objective. A dispassionate third party is needed to accurately prescribe the best course of action for her.

You can only do what needs to be done for you in the situation. Not selfishly or egotistically but with the understanding that you cannot fix her. You admit to your lack of superpowers in this area and seem a bit resentful over those who would place you in the role of hero and rescuer. Yet I get the feeling that you are not yet ready to burn the cape and surrender your badge.

Leaving her or staying with her and being miserable are options, but not the only ones. Once you surrender to your own powerlessness to make her whole, you may find you can love her and remain by her side in a role of support without risking your own sanity or happiness.

 

Rogue, maybe you could define "gone overboard"?

I was assuming that it was something more than losing one's temper over something. I mean, I've had rows, but nothing where someone has done something "so outrageous" that I don't know what to do. Maybe that was an exaggeration? What you described sounded to me like someone at breaking point. If that isn't the case, perhaps you could rephrase?

Of course, if it IS the case, I think you have been given some things to consider. What you do, as always, is up to you. But you did ask.

 

Honestly, I haven't posted in this thread because it brings up bad memories. I am not currently in a relationship, and I'd rather not re-live the memories I have of a couple partners going overboard, including one attempting suicide.

 

I was married to a raging, violent, alcoholic narcissist for 20 years. I brought up 2 children in this environment who have both suffered from it but have also developed strengths they might not otherwise have developed. I left him on 2 separate occasions and went back for all the reasons or justifications people use for staying or returning to abusive relationships.

S/O gone overboard? Oh my yes, in ways that would make the hair stand up on the back of your neck just hearing about them.

What could I do about the situation at the time? His problems were the dominant aspect of family life. Most of the time it was like living in a war zone. I held things together as best I could for me and the kids and pretty much winged it for survival's sake. What did I eventually end up doing? I grew a pair of female balls and finally managed to do what I'd been too afraid to do for 20 years. I left the sick, sad, pathetic fucker. It's taken me another 4 years to disembark from the emotional rollercoaster I'd been on and get to a place where I can now view him and our past with a good measure of indifference. I have much further to go to get to forgiveness but it's out there waiting for me to arrive.

This revelation and confession may have been cathartic at one time. Now, it's sad, old news about me which others might find titillating or interesting but I doubt there is anything here which could be helpful to anyone else.

I'm sorry but your "details" left much to be desired. When you leave out the most important and relevant ones, you have no right to be annoyed at people who've drawn conclusions or made assumptions based on the bits and pieces you've chosen to divulge.

I could go a lot further with my comments in regard to some of your comments about your desire for children, but I won't except to say that I hope you have fully considered your wife in your "plans" and continue to focus not merely on what is important to you but what is best for her. After all, she will be the one carrying this child and from the sound of it, she will also be the primary caregiver unless you have other plans for that.

 

rogue49 - A blog post would have been a better choice. You seem to answer your own questions here, honestly.