What to want from life

(A little background back there Falling Again - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community)

I understand that there are a good amount of you into-science so I will go a bit into details, you can skip to the end of the italic character if tl;dr.

Sun has turned, rained has falled, now I'm mostly ending my PhD with defence expect in the first months of 2013.

At the End I want to the Vancouver/Seattle International Nuclear Physics Conference and International Nuclear Theory seminar, it was a great moment to have an overview of the community, but I wasn't that excited and interested as I expected.

When I started the PhD, as every undergrads, I wanted to change the world, or at least the part of the world I can relate to my world. My expectation were to meet a lot of those incredible people that made the world spin forward, leading scientist, and stuff... I met them, and I discovered they were mostly plain humans, often with an edge given by knowledge, experience, cunning, sometimes even without that, but just people struggling to get along paying the bills and everything.

I grow more and more skeptic that this was were "to make a difference", with up and downs but in the end I don't know if is just too long-term, or too marginal field, or what... Simply I was not anymore so sure to wanting to do academic theoretical research for the rest of my life. Adding this to the type of work: always travelling- never knowing whereand how you will be in a couple of years, compensation not to be talked about, crazy working hours (I'm ending an overnight just now), don't make a very sexy working perspective...

Since then I've tried to focus myself on solitary work (with my group in Milan, but without travelling to much). I was planning to go abroad for an year, but the option didn't concretize due to lack of research opportunities (very few people do what I do).
At the end I published a fair amount of papers (even one first-name 40 pages on Physical Review journal, for those into science), which gave me a bit a visibility, granted me an Invited presentation at Yale and running for a postdoc position there, position that took me a huge amount of time to apply for, and I was assured to be on top of the short-list and trying to sorting-out the details, but in the end was withdrawed few weeks ago due to lack of foundings (ouch).

So now I find myself with my best shot gone, soon without a contract (December will be the last salary) and perspective in the field, with PhD defence soon (lets say February), not sure about the academia type of work and not sure about where and how land another job.

But what I'm really lacking of perspective now is: what do I really want from life?
I wanted to make the world, at least my world, a better place and I strived for it. A made a lot of research as well as political effort, but was that really worth it? At the end it was a lot of pain, but anyone else should have made it, sooner or later.
At the end of the day what should make me, in the end, an happy and fullfilled person? Maybe relationship with others more than personal achievements, so why struggle so much to achieve? To enrich people lifes even when you don't know them is surely a noble task, but am I really needed? There aren't better suited persons for that task?

I don't really know even where to start answering those...

And at the end I don't think I ever will, because under those question there is one that, with little voice but great resonance, sound to my heart "where I can really, make a difference? where I can really help?"

 

Hi Raghnar

A few thoughts:

I've read this post and the thread you started in 2010. You were turned down (rejected) back then and you got depressed. The same has happened again, and you've got depressed again. Question: Last time, what happened to get you out of your depression and back to where you wanted to be? What happened back then to get you out of your depression? At first you might think of something that happened OUTSIDE yourself … something that 'MADE' you feel better that 'MADE' you feel again the value of your work. If that reminds you enough that you can recapture some of those feelings of value and worth in what you are doing, then build on that. If it needs more, then think of the specific things that happened that made you feel a bit better, and notice how you felt immediately those things happened. Those things were triggers. HOW were they triggers? How did they make you feel a bit better?


When you've done that for a while, then …


Next: I am going to set you a post-doctorate task. This is because your present academic field seems to be a bit closed off to you at the moment. You used a lot of time and energy applying, but eventually, they said 'no … no funding'.

Maaaan …. You are a powerhouse of academic experience … a human engine of research and presentation. You have a robust set of thinking tools, and well trained observation … whether of physical objects or mental concepts.


WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE GYMNASIUM AND THE STREET?

The SAME difference as between Gymnastics and Parkour.


I want you to take your Doctorate-level skills and Embrace the STREET. The street will not charge you an entrance fee. The street will not stop you at your front door and say 'I'm sorry … you can't come out of the house today … there isn't enough funding'.

In 2010 you were practising Parkour. Two years have gone by … I bet you are either Better at it, or the HUNGER is still there.

And I say you need to PARCOUR with your academic skills. You are ready, and you are FRUSTRATED. Frustrated is a GREAT place to be if you're you, because it means Time To Change.



How does this Add to the world? How does this make the world a better place?

Raghnar Two years have gone by and you are asking the same question. I say Explore the world WITH your skills. Explore the world of your skills. Explore the world IN your skills, for IN your skills is YOU. When you touch the world and describe it, part of what you describe is always your OWN fingerprints … the nature of your mark. If dogs could talk, part of their description of trees would always include some reference to dog-wee. And they haven't even heard of Quantum theory.


The observer affects the observed.

How do you make the world a better place? How do you have a better effect?
Improve the observer. Affect the observer. Evolve the observer.
This is not passive – when we observe better, we make better hypotheses, we balance our judgements better, we make better decisions, our actions are more likely to have better consequences: WE THEN ALTER THE WORLD MORE FOR THE BETTER THAN FOR THE WORSE.

Remember … with very few exceptions, we do not have ZERO effect. We are either enhancing or limiting our and everybody's world.

That's the end of my thoughts.



But before I go, I do need to add the following – it is a Declaration of Interest: My personal hobby is "Striving (working hard) to make the world a better place, and striving to make myself more fit/strong to make it better or at least not make it worse". I call it 'my personal hobby', because my calmest belief is that there is no Ultimate Ethical Position whereby 'making the world a better place' is of any great worth. However, as I read your post, it was obvious that you have a similar hobby to mine, and want to do it as well as you can. So, obviously, I support your principles and your goals. But the world OUTSIDE ALL THAT "gotta make the world a better place"is just as real and just as valid ……. In fact THAT WORLD includes ALL the stuff we want to make this a better world FOR. We want to make it a better world so that it is a SAFE place for us and our children to relax on a beach and have a few beers.

Then again …. We can go out NOW and relax and have a few beers ….
So let's say 'MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE' means "Making the world a place where MORE people can MORE OFTEN relax and have a few beers and then practice parkour …. Though not necessarily in that order."
In fact, it is CRUCIAL to PRACTICE not only Parkour, but to practice relaxing and having a few beers, and notice how it feels … to practice the end results of what we're making the world a better place for …. Because that information is part of our guidance system … is part of what we need to know that what we are doing to make the world a better place … is RELEVANT. Practise having a good time with our friends or a good time … and especially good time with ONE friend … learning to do this … is part of making the world a better place.

Because …. Well .. TRY this question in your head .. in your thinking "Make the world a better place … FOR WHAT OR WHOM" Better is always better THAN what is worse … and the better or worse are always going to be linked with someone's values about something that they care about. Obviously, the better you know people and yourself … the better you observe … the better you begin to know WHAT needs to be better and HOW to make it so ... in ways that ARE relevant to what is most important to you and to them or to him or to her.

And that is your Post Doctoral Project. There will be no grants or funding, and will require no expenses beyond what you need to eat, sleep and have clothes and a home.
But you Do get a lifetime job, and from NOW, you make the world a worse or a better place, moment to moment, decision to decision, action to action.


Best wishes

 

I'll never match what Zen put up there but....
I will say that your goals in life are sure to evolve and change over time.
In ways that you will not be able to fully anticipate.
It's always good to keep the big picture in mind. Sometimes though you will hit a rough spot, as you have now, and it's helpful to do more short term thinking.
Focus on the here and now for a while. The big stuff will come too.

 

Zen's post literally blew me away... I had to read it over and over... It seems obvious to me that he/she is a person that had a path with lot common to mine.
I have to sleep over it (I slept less hours than I can count ), then reply.

Thank you too fflowley, yes this was the line of reasoning kept me afloat and made me progress in the last two years: think about the next step, and the next after that, but not too far... something is gonna sort it out... it worked to relief the pressure, now we will see...

 

i just wanted to echo the sentiment that even if you pick something now, things will change and you'll want to do something else with your life later. so don't feel like a choice or a path is a trap you won't escape from. jump in, follow it, and know that if you get frustrated again you can jump into something else.

i'm 38 and i have a bunch of friends that know and are exactly where they want to be on a path, and i keep hoping i get hit by a thunder bolt and a light bulb goes on in my head that i'm certain is my new calling... but that hasn't happen so i'm just jumping down rabbit holes they present themselves to me as they come. i recommend the same for you if you feel like you're drifting. eventually you will catch on to something as long as you don't hang back and choose nothing.

 

Ok, it seems the universe don't want me to post in this thread (I've been sick, got the reply cancelled couple of times, crazy unexpected 4 hours meetings... that sort of things), so I'll cut this short, hopefully I'll been able to reply.

I have to thank you 1000 times Zen for its insightful post, and rogue49 for sharing his experience, for me its golden.

Well during those years I've tried to "hit the street" many times (that's what I did when to bring me up the last time: watching the moment and diversifying interests), even if I almost stopped practicing parkour (for sure the hunger for it is still there). For example teaching and being a political representative. Watching students learn from scratch and going out of your class with something more then when the entered is one of the greatest things that an academic can attend and aspire to. Being able after a long and difficoult work to obtain a representation for the PhD students in the university committee and even in the city council, enjoying and empowering the democratic process for the PhD students is a great accomplishment for a representative of the PhD students.
And I am really happy to have done it...

.. but this have not helped me to know what to do in the future in practice. Teaching is something wonderful, but maybe there are better people than myself and is just a little part of the academic life. Politics is a fun game and (probably) a good fight, but gets really boring really fast for me.

Maybe my mistake was to not enjoying the ride. Having to do this and that and also that, being in three places in the same time is exhausting, not very much of an enjoyable ride...

It's true that often the path of life isn't straightforward, you get detours, panoramic paths and everything, but still I have to appoint a decision in the next few months. If bite hard and trying with any means to land a postdoc no matter what, or leave it aside, try to land a "real job" in consulting or software and "pay the bills" and everything else...

Now I send it sooner that another kick of entropy cancel this last effort.

 

I'm not sure to understand you wholly...
Are you asking me if I could simply relax and step aside for a little time, even if life becomes "less interesting"?

 

There are too many paths that your life could go, it is hard to know which one is right...

Have some basic goals, and anything else above that is a bonus.

 

Yeah, but a man has to have some convictions. Take Genghis Khan:

 

How's Mongolia working out now though? If you make too many enemies, someone will get you someday. And living in fear of people who have nothing to lose isn't too good.

 

How is Mongolia now any sort of indicator of how you should live your life? I mean, do we all need to think about how our actions are going to be viewed by folks 800 years from now? Considering that Genghis founded an empire that, within a generation, was the largest the world saw until the British did their thing 500 years later, maybe his advice isn't completely useless.

That said, the Genghis Khan/Conan/Ah-nold quote was entirely predictable.

 

Exactly.

Genghis Khan fucked so many women that he "fathered the generation that went on to produce .5 percent of the world's population. That's 16 million people. That means for every two people he killed, he impregnated one." That's a man that knew what he wanted in life. We should all be so lucky.

You know what else is predictable?

 

I'm sorry - I'm all out of bubblegum.

 

I know I'm late, but the Genghis Khan reference obliges me to post this.

 

In Italy is really difficoult, besides I don't want to stay. Roads in Europe are bumpy this years, and US immigration is really a pain. By the Way is not my immediate concern, but I'm not sure the short term my personal income will take advantage of my PhD on such economic downturn.

That in Italy is really impossible. We are renowed for giving 15 thousand bucks a month to the son of a Senator with no high-school degree, and paying PhD less than 1... A really competent friend of mine have 3 degrees and foruth to be soon completed (BA, MA in politics, M.Sc in economics and soon a BA in history) and is doing a really lousy work while the boss gets all the credit. If you have the name, you are in. Otherwise there's no chance. Italy is a crappy place for public sector...

The last year that was more or less the only position available for my skills. My field suffered an awful and completely unexpected and out of proportion shortage of fundings the last year.
Even that single position was more or less taken back.
Now things are better, there are juicy positions at Berkeley and other nice places.

Enough of context, thank you very much gg for the advices, now I'm trying to focusing on my thesis. In the meanwhile I apply for "type one" postdocs for the next year, just in case, watch the opportunity that come and maybe I will end up taking half-sabatic half-year to finish a couple of applied projects I have in mind and see where they can lead me...
For now I have another invited talk to a very prestigious university (Darmstadt, is more or less the La Mecca of my field since is directely related to GSI Lab where all the exotic "Unun-something" elements at the end of the periodic table are made) and an appointment for a good position in a nuclear astrophysics initiave grossing 1 milion euros funding a year (freakish a lot of money of theoretical nuclear astrophysics) and see where it can go...

Embracing the change can be good, but there is one thing I like about academia: being multicultural, multi-level institution always confronting with top on the field... Most private sector is provincial compared to that...
If I can survive there, managing a fair amount of fundings, physics from different field, everyday talking with the top experts from every part of the world can be an enlightening experience, as it have been the PhD itself, even if I get even older without "real world" experience. No?!