Weddings, attending, cost, etc.

What is your experience with attending, being in, or otherwise being involved in a wedding?

I ask this because of some conversations I've had recently with friends from outside of my area. It seems that there is a pretty diverse/regional view of weddings. Those that I've spoken to in the Northeast seem to have much more expensive weddings, expect much more lavish gifts, and have many traditions that are set on the material aspects of the wedding day, and events leading up to it. Here in the Midwest, and I believe in the South, people are a little less concerned with how much things cost, and often much less formal (sometimes to the point of being casual).

If you are married, or have been, I'd be interested in your personal experiences. The same on the weddings you've attended.



About how many weddings have you attended, or been in?

I found it interesting in the above discussion that most had been to a dozen or less weddings. When I said "I bet I've been to 40-50" I think a few didn't believe me. So later that day I started making a list of each specific one I could remember. I got to 55 different ones before I gave up. I've been a groomsman/usher in 8. My wife has been in a few more than me, probably 10-12.

What have most of the weddings you've been to been like?

The vast majority of the ones I've attended have been fairly traditional and fairly formal. Not quite black tie, but definitely suit/dress type affairs with a formal ceremony. A few have been more casual, a few have been outdoors, a few have been in very nice places. I haven't been to any incredibly lavish or insanely expensive weddings, but most have been reasonably nice.

What was your wedding like as far as setting things up/cost?

For us, we had a rather large but fairly inexpensive wedding. My wife's parents didn't really have much money to put towards the wedding, she refused to accept any from my parents, and neither of us had much of our own at the time. My wife made it a challenge to get deals, bargain, find DIY projects, and we had a lot of friends be generous with their skills. One friend's mom ran a business of decorating for events, as a gift she loaned us almost all of the decorations we needed. Another friend was a pastry chef (real one, not 'worked at a bakery', lol) and made our cakes at cost. Another had ties to a reception hall and got it for us very cheap. A family member is a very good professional photographer (has been flown all over the world by couples to do their weddings) and gifted us his skills/pics. I'd say that when you add in ALL the expenses, we probably came in under $10k in late 1990s dollars. For over 400 people, that is a miracle.


What are your general thoughts on the expense of weddings, and/or what you would like if/when you get married?

I think a lot of people go too crazy. If you are putting your parents or yourselves in debt to impress a bunch of people (half of whom you probably 'had' to invite ) for one day, I think you are doing it wrong. On the other hand, I'm not a huge fan of uber-casual weddings either. I like the idea of everyone, including guests, dressing up for the occasion. It is a big deal, it deserves some respect. Now, at the end of the day, I don't really care what other people do. To each his own, those are just my personal opinions.

 

There's a distinct DIY aesthetic to a PacNW wedding in many cases. My wedding ceremony was at a rose garden in a local park; the reception was at my in-laws' house after (they have a yard like something out of Sunset magazine) under a large tent (or marquee). We rented a lot of stuff but did a fair number of things ourselves, or had people close to the wedding do them. My godmother did all the flowers; we bought a bunch of pink roses from Costco, rented some bowls, and she did the rest. I thought we hit a good balance between DIY, stress, and cost savings. We came in at about $7k, including our honeymoon. We kept our wedding small; we had about 70 guests. My MIL wanted to start inviting second cousins, and I said no to that, as my family on my mother's side from second cousins out is HUGE and if you invite one, they ALL have to be invited.

Last summer I went to two weddings that reflected a similar aesthetic. One was the wedding of my college roommate. He and his now-wife did so much and relied on their friends to do a lot, too. My husband was in the wedding party, so we helped out a lot. They got married in the middle of an old lava bed adjacent to their friends' house, where the reception was held. We did tons of DIY for that--I put together the playlist for the dancing, I put together floral arrangements, I set tables, moved tables, the list goes on and on. Luckily, there were a lot of hands, so it went quickly, and then we kicked back with some awesome beer from Deschutes, where the bride used to work.

The other wedding was for some very dear friends of ours, and it was held at a location known for its eclectic mix of disc golf, trout fishing, and beautiful woods (Horning's Hideout in Oregon - Your publicly accessible private park for outdoor weddings, events, fishing, camping, disc golf, and fun near Portland, Oregon). We showed up early as the plan was to have the bachelor party the night before with all of us camping out together, so we ended up helping out a lot with that wedding too (to the point that the bride's mother fell in love with my husband...can't blame her). That was a lot more work as there were fewer people. It turned out to be an interesting situation; there were a lot of people the bride had been counting on to help, but they flaked. Fortunately, we picked up a lot of the slack.

Some good friends of ours got married the summer after we did, and that was a wonderful time. They went so far with the DIY stuff as to homebrew all the beer for the wedding. The decor was all stuff the bride had collected over the year to put together. One of the groom's relatives made candles as a favor, and the bride made magnets as another favor (I still have both). The wedding was at someone's riverfront house, and it was gorgeous. The natural setting really needed no additional decor.

My brother-in-law's wedding was perhaps the one I've been to that was furthest away from the DIY aesthetic, which is surprising, as my SIL is a talented seamstress. They had their wedding at a venue exclusively designed for weddings in the woods; it had fountains, gardens, and a giant reception hall. They had a local restaurant cater, but the menu didn't hang together at all (yellow curry chicken does not go with ravioli in lemon cream sauce, for the record). I don't want to know how much their wedding cost, as they had a couple hundred guests; I got the impression that my SIL's mom went a little crazy in the process. Though it's not a competition, people in the family regularly tell me they preferred our wedding, as it was more intimate and more "us." The wedding my BIL and SIL had seemed very impersonal. They also had all the kids corralled in a separate building with a babysitter they provided; that rubbed so many family members the wrong way.

I think that's probably what I enjoy seeing the most in weddings--that personal touch that lets me know whose wedding I'm attending. Most weddings out here are cocktail dress weddings if in the evening, sundresses in the afternoon. My MIL was freaking out that my BIL's wedding was going to be "too formal" and people wouldn't know what to wear; it was to the point that she offered to take me to Nordstrom and buy me a dress. I refused, as I have a perfectly serviceable black cocktail dress that has done me many good turns through the years. I looked pretty sharp, if I do say so myself!

I went to a lot of weddings as a kid (that huge family on my mother's side), and all of them were extremely DIY. The family is known for its cooking and baking skills, so it wasn't uncommon for the wedding to be catered by the family, or to be a potluck. Times have certainly changed in that respect.

 

Well, considering the last two weddings I went to were my own at the Ritz Carlton in Tyson's Corner
and my ex-brother in law's at The Willard...and the first one I went to was my cousin's at an estate in Carmel by the Sea/Pebble Beach (which put the other two to shame...),
my perception is a bit skewed in an over the top way. (we won't even get into the cost )

The one that was really basic...but nice was my sister's 2nd wedding...just them and my mother & I...it was calm and quiet.
If I ever have another one...I would prefer that instead of my first.

I'd rather focus on experiencing things after the fact...enjoy our time together, not doing some big show.
Too much of a headache...too many expectations.

 

Our best friends were married to each other in Yosemite a few years back. We were their best man and maid of honor. It was super special. It cost them the equivalent of a year and a half salary, and they paid for it themselves. They had been planning it for nearly a decade. We paid for our lodging in the park and didn't spare any cash in that regard. We wanted to have a place they could relax and be comfortable other than their own accommodations. We ended up using our room for the weding morning prep for all the female members of the bridal party. It had a beautiful view of bridal veil falls from the back patio, which was fitting. Their ceremony was on a zmountaintop with a view of half dome. The reception and dinner was at the inn. The dinner was admittedly terrible. But the cake was amazing. I know they spent a fortune making their wedding day perfect for them. It was especially hard on the bride, though, because her father was air-rushed to a hospital the night before the wedding, so could not attend. We visited him the day after the wedding in the hospital.

Other weddings... They tend to be either overly formal or very casual. I have never been to one that was somewhere in between. It amazes me what people put together for their special days.

I was my sister's maid of honor for her wedding. She bought my dress and designed the wedding decor around it. The rest of the party were children that she babysat/nannied. That was super sweet and adorable. Her wedding was about $400 in total, the most expensive component being her dress, which she hated but our mom loved. (After seeing how my mom and aunt took over the planning of her wedding, I wanted everything done on our terms, and involved them minimally. It was less stressful for everyone that way.) My sister's wedding was simple, hastily thrown together and had terrible food. Her wedding cake made her cry - and not in a good way. It was not as-advertised and she could have done better going with the local grocery store rather than that stupid bakery. They were very, very off on her colors. It tasted good, though. None of her friends attended, they were all away for college. That part was really pretty sad, looking back. She's divorced now. I hope she gets another wedding someday.

Our wedding was entirely for family & friends. We paid out of pocket. My parents splurged on a photographer as a gift, which was priceless. It was at Tt's childhood church and the reception was at a local community center in the middle of a beautiful park on a sage-covered hillside. We saved where we could, on nearly every expense. A sister-in-law made a fantastic cake from scratch. A friend was our DJ. A friend was our florist. But we splurged on food - kind-of. We hired a professional caterer who provided a lunch buffet of phenomenal gourmet finger-friendly foods. We had a bartender, but provided our own beer and wine. The caterer said he had never encountered such a laid-back, genuinely fun celebration. It really confused and threw off his staff - the caterer himself didn't plan on attending but his staff had him come about an hour in because it was so unique. They couldn't believe I had no wedding planner, and that I trusted them completely to do their jobs with no oversight (ummm... Set up the table and keep it stocked? Who needs oversight?) We got an absurd amount of compliments on our food, and still people bring it up. I'll never forget the look of shock on the bartender's face when I handed him my glass of untouched champagne and asked for a glass of Shasta ginger ale (the cheapest beverage in the line-up by far, and looked out of place next to Hubby's choice of craft beers and good wine). The bartender smiled huge, like it all suddenly made sense, winked at me, and poured my flute with a flourish. I was happy that we had such a fun party, and that everyone could have fun. We had a coloring corner and tea set at a kids table... Hired a couple of babysitters to help out with keeping kids happy (at the venue) so their parents could have fun. A side note: my mother-in-law insisted on throwing our rehearsal dinner. I'm pretty sure she spent more on that dinner than we did the whole rest of the wedding, and it was horrible. Bad (made people sick!), cold food, unresponsive caterers, horrible lighting at a restaurant that was obviously posh in the 1980s but a run-down mess by 2008... She was so embarrassed by her choice. I hope she got a partial refund, she was a mess that night. Looking back, I wish I had insisted more on my original plans for a rehearsal dinner - it would have been so much less of a burden on her. Oh well. That was more my husband's choice than mine. He insisted that I was being too pushy. Hardly.

 

Some of this reminds me of other places where we saved: one of our aunties and cousin made the cake. The photographer, one of the most expensive parts of the day, was a high school friend of my husband's--she's a pro photojournalist who does weddings on the side, but she gave us a pretty good discount, and it was absolutely worth it. She did an incredible job. Our reception food was entirely vegetarian. Some people had reservations about that before the wedding, but afterwards, people wouldn't stop talking about it. Having a veggie buffet was a lot cheaper than other, more traditional options. Oh, and @amonkie was our celebrant, and she did a wonderful job--one of the best wedding gifts we received.

@genuinegirly, your rehearsal dinner makes me sad. I'm sure your wedding made up for it, though.

I count myself very lucky that mine was a great experience. My MIL has a friend who is a retired professional chef, and M did all the catering. She did an amazing job. We ate out on the lawn at my in-laws, next to their koi pond, after we'd enjoyed a cocktail hour with plenty of good pinot noir under stately oaks at the back of their property. I still look back on that entire weekend with fondness. It just came up over dinner last week, and hubs and I had a nice time reminiscing.

I should note that two pictures from my wedding decorate my living room: one is of us with our immediate families, and the other is of us with my husband's extended family. One of the things I like about the latter picture is that it has my husband's grandfather who passed last year in the foreground, along with three out of the six baby cousins (three have been born since my wedding). I need to get the picture of my extended family framed, but trying to fit three pictures on the shelf will be hard.

 

Two weddings coming up this summer. I can't wait. One will be an up and back to the city. The other we will be camping with friends.

I expect that they will be very different affairs.