Should I Contact An Old Flame?

Eight years ago, I was just married, had one kid, and I almost had an affair with a coworker. It never happened, mostly because I was too young and naive to realize I was being seduced, and because I was married and too scared to officially cheat on my wife. I didn't cheat on her in the sense that I didn't have sex with the coworker, but we definitely had an emotional affair. I have never told my wife about this, and likely never will, although I know she suspects it happened.

Recently the coworker contacted me via FB. She is married now with two kids of her own and she lives a good 20 hours away by car. I gathered all that from what she has allowed all viewers to see on her profile, as I have not officially returned her initial contact email. I have no intention of ever seeing her again, but I have thought about writing her, and talking to her. I've done more than think about it. I'm actually currently in the process of writing her a letter. It's mainly a catch up letter. A 'what are you up to, here's what I'm up to' letter. But I also want to bring up our past. And I'm wondering what your thoughts are on that. I want to talk about why we did what we did and why we didn't do what we didn't do, and, I don't know, just get it out in the open. I half wonder if my reasoning for doing it isn't just to bring closure to the whole thing, since we didn't get a chance to at the time. Is that retarded? Is that, like preschool maturity? I've never done this kind of thing before. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Not very smart. And I'm sure your wife would not approve of you sneaking around behind her back chatting up some chick you had an EA with. Pretty slimy if you ask me. But you already know that.

 

Was she a work spouse?
Go ahead and catch up. I'd stay away from the why we did what we did and why we didn't do what we didn't do stuff. Un-friending is always an option.

 

Basically:

 

Hmmm. I take your points. But you're being a little bit of a Judgey McJudgerson, don't you think? Or am I just being sensitive because he's kinda right?

 

I read this and don't believe you. I think you just want to recapture that feeling of someone finding you desirable (apart from your wife).

She may be 20 hours away, but what good can come of it? Really?

 

I don't know what a work spouse is.
Can I ask why you think I shouldn't mention the past stuff?
I haven't friended her yet. We just sent initial greetings.
--- merged: Nov 26, 2011 2:21 AM ---

So what if a part of me does want to recapture that feeling? Is that wrong? And trust me, I won't be acting on it. Even if I wanted to, she's married, and has a kid. We're different people now with different lives. All I'm looking to do is reconnect and talk about the past. Why is that wrong?

 

No, there's no win it it for anyone.

 

WWJD?

 

I'm not judging it. It's a fairly normal desire. I just don't buy the "closure" BS.

The real question is about your relationship with your wife. Are you not satisfied? If not, how so? Maybe you should do something about that instead of looking up old flames.

If you are satisfied, why mess it up?.

 

Who cares what Jack Daniels would do?

 

Right-O, much more interesting to watch those who do Jack Daniels.



Really though, Mailman, I'd leave it alone. There's a reason why she's contacting you and I would bet it's not to catch up on old times. If you do contact her and agree to meet, take your wife and kids along.

 

Titillating as is might be, I think you're heading for trouble. Let her go.

 

I hate FB.

 

Can I ask a question of those of you who've responded? Is what I'm doing wrong? I seem to be getting a vibe from many of you that I'm doing something inappropriate or 'outside the bounds of marriage'. But I'm not. I'm just wondering about reconnecting with someone who I haven't been in contact with for many years. We're not going to have an affair. We're just catching up. What's with the pretense of moral superiority that many of you are brandishing about?

 

I agree with the general consensus here.

You risk a lot more than you will gain from this.

*joins the "FUCK FACEBOOK" crowd*

 

FB is great for stalking your kids.
--- merged: Nov 26, 2011 2:53 AM ---

Why? Answer that honestly, for yourself. You don't have to tell us. Why - after all this time?

Look at Borla's answer. He is right. If your wife is OK with it, then go ahead. She knows you better than us.

If you don't want to share this with her, why not? If you do it behind her back, why would she trust you? What if she asked? Would you have to hide it?

Of course, if your marriage is in trouble, that's a different issue. However, in that case, deal with that first.

It's not judgement - it's experience. It's the best advice we can give with our limited knowledge.

 

If you don't like the advice here, try googling "Facebook old flame" or something. I think you'll see similar warnings.

If you do go ahead, do so purposefully, and with your eyes open.