Setting boundaries with SO's

Some of you might have seen my blog post this morning after a frustrating week. I'll copy/paste it below:

I really do need advice here, guys. I've talked to him, but I need more perspectives to figure out how to manage this bitch. He's already told me that he is not losing her as a friend. So I need to figure out how to live with this. Has anyone been through this themselves? Tell me...

 

From a totally male standpoint I have to say your old man is trying to have his cake and eat it too.
He's trying to keep two woman happy and that's really not going to happen unless you are married to both of them.
You should be his priority.
Yes, I understand this other woman is a former flame who he'd like to keep as a friend but he needs to realize she is jerking him around.
Unfortunately, you aren't going to be the one who can tell him that because you are just going to sound like the jealous partner.
Does he have any rational male friends who could spell things out to him?
Someone who could point out that if he keeps this up it's going to blow up in his face?
Because to be honest with you, if he doesn't get his shit together I only see this escalating.

 

"You're the reason we broke up all those years ago."

You & So were together. She was the reason that you & SO broke up. She & SO were together. She & SO have broke up. You & SO are now back together.

I hope that you had some excellent reasons for getting back together with him. If you're convinced that he's the one for you, hopefully after much deep thinking, he needs to choose which relationship is more important to him. Remaining friends with a former SO is great when it's workable, which it isn't in this case.

JIC one my points isn't coming across: She isn't the only problem in this triangle, he is as well.


Edit--I can't get the text color to change to black.

 

I wouldn't look at her behavior, I wouldn't check her facebook page (or how else do you know she's blocking you?), I would probably take a facebook break and just enjoy time with SO. Evaluate his behavior. If he wants to talk about her, stop him right there. As stated above, if he wants a relationship with you, then his priority when he's with you should be you. If he wants a friendship on the side with her - that's fine - just let him know that when you're together you want it to be your time. Not you and friends time. I would make it clear that you need to solidify your relationship with each other before you can have a relationship with each others friends.

 

I'll echo what Borla said - you have to be willing to put your foot down and accept the fact that your relationship may end if he decides that the boundaries you set are either made to be crossed or aren't reasonable.

He has crossed a reasonable relationship boundary many times, and now you are trying to stand firm on it. The likelihood isn't good that he is going to pull back from his friendship with her and respect you/make you his priority. He doesn't think you'll leave, especially since you came back once before.

 

Thank you everyone. Lots to think about. <3

 

Block her yourself, and make it clear to SO that you don't want any personal interaction with the woman yourself, and that you would like him to be aware that the level of intimacy she expresses to him makes you uncomfortable.

He's an adult. He should be capable of realising that not all of his friends will like each other. But he's also your SO, and needs to behave in a way that makes it clear that she is not an intimate friend to him.

 

BUT! If you give an ultimatum make sure you can proceed as planned if he chooses her. It is hard. Prepare yourself.

 

I'd ditch this Maury-style drama. Whatever hook this guy has that makes him so awesome for you apparently makes him awesome for the other woman.

What's his motivation to focus on you and shut the other woman out? As everybody else has said, he needs an extra strength dose of relationship Ritalin.

My experience with partners that wanted to interact with former lovers was a painful exercise in blissful ignorance. It was a waste of time for both of us.

 

1) You can't reasonably give someone an ultimatum regarding an established relationship with another human (it's me or your ex-lover, nee friend) and expect that to go well at all.

2) You say you don't trust her and you call her names, but you refrain from judging him at all. I think you're caught in a sort of maelstrom of cycling fear and distrust based on a history of betrayal. And her going away isn't going to resolve that because he will still be there. If it means that much to you, work from the ground up on the relationship with your SO and ignore her. There's no guarantee that it will work, but I don't see that you have any other option. And, really important. Maintain your dignity as much as possible. It will matter to you later on.
--- merged: Jan 5, 2015 at 7:41 PM ---
Plus, I am thinking, if I were you and I had been through what you have over the last couple of years, I would be doing some deep soul-searching and asking myself: how do I want to live the rest of my life? Is recycling past history and trauma really the road I want to choose? Or could I do better?

 

I've been thinking a lot about @Settie as well. And sending a lot of strength vibes and happy vibes.

 

Not too much to update on. I was back home January 3rd, haven't seen him since. I've been so busy with school I've pushed it out of my mind. I still hate her fucking guts. And I still can't wrap my head around the idea of a married woman being so intimate friend-wise with a man that isn't her husband. Who does that?! Don't most people marry their best friend?! Don't most couples share enough to each other that they don't need another person to open up to?
*sighs*
I don't know guys. I keep it out of my head, cause it depresses the hell outta me.

 

You haven't seen him in three weeks? Now I'm confused, I was under the impression that y'all are (were?) living together. No matter how busy you are, staying away from him for three weeks (unless there is a really good reason such as physical distance) isn't a good idea.

You're still focused on her. You didn't mention his role in the triangle.

You have a romantic idea of marriage, which is sweet but not always accurate. Some people marry their best friend, some don't. Sometimes opening up to someone other than your spouse is a good way to sort through issues before opening up to your spouse.

Either tell him exactly how you feel and what you expect him to do about cooling his friendship with her, or move on.

 

I've got nothing constructive to add, except I feel your pain. I don't think you are being unreasonable, for what it's worth.