same ol same ol. maybe NSFW

I have been married for 12 years. I love my wife more than anything in the world.

Now with that said. sex is the same ol same ol. its pretty much predictable. we both know whats gonna happen and in what order, and whats gonna happen when its over. How do we stop this?....

Ill admit that its almost a comfort thing for us. my daughter normally spends the weekend at memes house. so thats normally our time. and i will admit that i really dont know how to go about it in a different way without seeming like an idiot. we have discussed it and really cant come up with a solution. we both know its happening and just let it go on . i know that sex can be fun and you can make fun of yourself while doing it but sometimes it seems like im a uncordinated bastard. any suggestions or pointers? have you been there and done that and if so what made you change? if youre not like this, then how do i become like you??

 

Hi, Ralphie.

Ima thinking his thread's been waiting to happen for a while, hasn't it?; Eg, I've noticed some of the bubbling undercurrents in the 'How many times' thread. I want to tread delicately, because I don't get the feeling that this is just a 'how do I get off' thang, with only dreams of leaving multiple buttock-marks on the ceiling. This is because, I take photos, and, before doing digital, I'd learn a lot by looking at the negatives - you've seen those - and on TV and in Films, one of the effects is to flicker between normal image and negative image.

Flickering this thread positive-negative-positive-neg-pos-n-p-npnpbrrrrr, for a moment: Would your first post in this thread also make some sense if SEX and COMFORT were swapped round? I mean, you've said the two of them are almost riding together. Well, if you're wanting to explore more ways of being sexy, I ask ... how useful might it be to explore more ways of getting and giving each other COMFORT . Work on the comfort, and that might give SEX the freedom to risk enjoyable DIScomfort of exploring the UNfamiliar. Though remember, going off the beaten track could be as simple as reminding yourselves where and who you were BEFORE the trails you blazed BECAME the beaten track you want to diverge from.

You've been married 12 years and so your daughter - is she around that age? Young enough to still need a lot of looking after, but old enough to need just a bit less than in some of the previous years? Less of a handful than when she was a baby and toddler; more of a handful than when she'll be 18. I mean: weekend comes around and the two of you snatch some comfort/sex. Ralphie, I'm aware that it's I who am spotlighting the two together just now, because I want to test and check how they are and to what extent they are or are not linked, and to what extent BOTH may need to be talked about with a view to enhancing EACH. Like, how many non-sexy COMFORT things have the two of you got, like what were you doing with each other before she was born - how was life back then when you and this woman who became your wife'd look into each others' eyes and there was only the two of you holding each other's hands? And deciding what will you do next?

I know you're wanting to build a future and .... hold this thought, I'll come back but first I got two questions for you:

Where was I? You're wanting to build a future, well, a future which has some different stuff than the present. And you don't want to seem like an idiot or an uncoordinated bastard - you've made this quite clear.

You might lessen that upsetting possibility by wandering around in your memory of those early days with her .... I mean, you and she were bang in the middle of setting up stuff which was non-idiotic; so much so that it was well coordinated and legit: Feckit, your PRESENT is PROOF of your, and her, success. What stuff, specifically? The two of you have raised a CHILD - been ... ARE ... a family, which includes your couple-ness, but is a step up as it includes your daughter and your shared extended family, though I BET there'd have been a heckuva lot going on in those early days where your couple-ness was where it was all at, and you had loads of ways to, er, express and share that.

Mate of mine used to mess with derailer gear systems. He had hundreds of old spindles and gear wheels. Mountain bikes hadn't been invented yet, but we lived in London and lots of gentle Surrey hills, but then it was time to go to Cornwall, where the roads and lanes were stony big dippers and the cliffs chased after the ships. He added extra-small cog wheels, and some in-between cog wheels. I bet you and your wife had to do a lot of shifting and re-adjusting as you were becoming closer more often, and decided it was to be for life, and became parents ... And Everything that that Involves. I BET there were LOADS of comforts you'd developed back then - comforts which were natural to the two of you, which it was right to put them on the back burner, to lovingly compromise as you looked at each other, sometimes with the 'life-is-beautiful' smile, sometimes with the 'oh-bugger-we-can't-do-this'' rueful grins and play-snarls of frustration; embraced because you were bringing up y'alls daughter, and building rock-solid foundations for many other things: things that you have right now, or may have soon, or soon again.

For I bet there's stuff that can RE-awaken ... now ... There's COMFORT of many types which were ... may have been hanging from so many branches of so many trees the two of you walked beneath. Oh .. and your Lovemaking ... weighing down the branches, sap flowing and fruits thickly bunched on the vine. And it sure was not idiotic or uncoordinated, except to the degree that the two of you were comfortable with laughing at yourselves and each other. Not in the least, because it was how and who you were then, on which you built and built, to have the good stuff you have now, and this trend may continue.

Though, Ralphie, please adjust your understanding to take account of my clumsiness - I'm doing my feeble dangest to synchronize my 'stroboscope' with possible rhythms in your relationship, and to grasp at possible patterns, with a view to throwing flickering, and, I hope, useful light; I mean ... I'm limited to what you've written on this forum and in this thread. So, you'll have to set aside what doesn't fit, to chop and reorganize, to let the smoke and fumes increasingly diminish and dissipate, as you shuffle and fit the bits which, I hope, have a chance of working better - comfortingly AND excitingly in the present and future landscape of y'alls lives.

All the best

 

my daughter is 3.

little history on me just so you(yall) know. i have known my wife since we were 10. we got married 3 weeks after we graduated high school. we both knew that we were the one for each other. we both went to a local college and graduated both have worked to support ourself. i at one time had 3 jobs just so we could pay bills and support ourself. but that is what had to be done.

as far as sex, its always been that way. shes not a very sexual person, she was raised in the light of "sex is bad", but she is coming around. she has just recently started masturbating, but only when we are togeather (if you know what i mean). and im proud of her for that. i try not to pressure her. yes sex was easier before my daughter. but it wasnt any better or worse.
--- merged: Jan 21, 2012 6:07 PM ---
yes we both agree that something needs to change, but neither one of us really knows how to make it change and be comfortable.
so i guess that maybe learning how to be more comfortable is the answer, but doing that is going to be easier said than done.
--- merged: Jan 21, 2012 6:09 PM ---
maybe its the change that i (we) dont like just cause weve gotten (heres that word again) comfortable.

Just like with my new job, sometimes change is a good thing

 

Hmmm ... then focusing on learning to be more comfortable might be less of a leap for her than focusing on 'let's do more sex-is-bad'? And it will still be practicing changing: comfotably disrupting the predictable. Could be an interesting conversation with her.

... and thanks for putting me right on some of the facts.
--- merged: Jan 21, 2012 6:18 PM ---

Bloody hell ... I just seen your edit ... heck ... you've got some ball now, and are running with it! I'll shut up for a while and cheer from the sidelines

 

naw youre good. dont shut up, ill take all i can get. theres no such thing as too much.

 

I'm a fan of sex clubs. Not only does your own sex drive perk up as long lost hormones start flooding your body, so does your care for your body. You know, you have to be presentable.

Of course, handling the psychology of your wife comes first.

Then the sex clubs.

 

Almost my story!
I am helpless and speechless at the moment...
I would like to hear the woman's side of the story... My SO is in Tfp but I wonder whether she would write it ...

 

I would like to hear it as well


Sounds like s challenge to me

 

Ok. First things first.

What have you guys experimented with? This is key, because sometimes, people are so caught up in the whole "I want to rock her world" mentality that they forget that everyone is different and life is not like porn (for some of you ) Anyway, kids can ruin a sex life, but it's important to remember that sex is a natural act. While you don't want to just go at it with a kid in the room, if you're doing the nasty and your daughter walks in during the middle of it, there's no need to be mortified. Simply laugh and say something like you were wrestling with mommy and put the child back to bed. As far as the "sex is bad" mentality, well, that's a bit tougher because it was beat into her skull for so long that it may take a while to come around. She's already started that journey so you're both on the right path.

Here's one thing you can try since you two have been together for so long. Get out two pieces of paper and ask each other sex questions. Start off mild then get wilder as it goes along. You can ask things like "what is your dirtiest fantasy", "what non sexual part of your body makes you tingle" etc etc. This opens up a dialogue among two partners and not only helps you two understand each others ticks and tocks, but also gets the mindset of "ooohhh I'm gonna fuck you so hard" going. It sounds rather cheesy, but if you two are honest, you may find out some nice little tidbits about each other and get out of the comfort zone.

Sex is supposed to be fun, erotic, hot, steamy, quick, long, enjoyable etc. There's already a ton of mental and emotional turmoil involved in it that you don't need to add anything else to the mix. You both need to relax and focus on the act and each other instead of what bills need to be paid, is your daughter still sleeping etc. Since the child goes to the grandmother's house every weekend, use that time to visit a sex shop and do some erotic shopping. If that's not in the cards, then go somewhere you haven't been before. Hell, rent out a nice hotel room for the weekend with private balconies etc and as soon as you get the bags in, take off your clothes and relax. Make it a clothes free weekend (except when you leave the room). Do something naughty like have sex in front of a window with the curtains open. There is a multitude of things to try.

As far as uncoordinated goes, dude relax. Don't just focus on her hoohah or fun bags. EXPLORE her, devour her, give her the goddess treatment and you may find yourself rewarded with the king treatment. You may also find that it opens up new avenues for her to explore herself and her sensations rather than falling back into what she learned as a child.

If you're in a rut, then change it. It doesn't have to be big. You can do something small like changing up the after sex routine-- instead of getting up to grab a towel, just lay there and trace your fingers down her body and admire her after sex glow. Something, anything, to get out of the rut. Most of all, open yourselves to each other honestly and have fun and dismiss the things that aren't you or her at that moment.

 

I never thought about the whole writing things down. Ill have to try that and see how it goes.

The rest of it makes since. I never thought about some of it like that. I just meed to let things go and not be scared. If that makes any since...

 

Damn never knew sex was so complicated. Games are always fun, there are plenty out there in cyberspace. Hmm... Will have to see what I can find and post that I have tried.

 

Last time we heated it up, Tfp was a big helping hand!
First thing I introduced masturbation and toys to her. She very slowly adopted them. And then for first time we tried positions. It was all fun!

But then due to a completely different reason sex became a exercise than experience. And I totally lost interest in that type of thing. I felt like I am a tool than a person.

In April this year, our sex life is going to be version 2.0 LOL
Have lot of ideas, but every baby step with her takes ~6months ...

Inhibitions are the worst thing to have
But love beats everything
--- merged: Jan 23, 2012 8:59 PM ---

I dont know anything about sex clubs.

 

My SO has come a long way in the whole sexual area. I have finally got her to masturbate and that took a longgggggggggggggg time. So I normally don't push too many things on her at once.

What do you mean by sex club????

 

As far as I have come to understand this very loosely defined category, sex clubs can include swing clubs, BDSM clubs, and voyeur/exhibitionist clubs.

Basically, any club-like venue (or sometimes residence) where sex is the primary activity, where patrons can engage in sex with their partners or other patrons. Just Google "sex club", "swing club", or "bdsm club" and the name of the nearest big city and you should have a few pop up.

 

If you decide to go to a swing club which is usually at a residence, make sure you read the by-laws and that you can get a free walk-through during an activity night. Some clubs are loaded with cliques and major drama so having a free one-night pass is helpful in seeing who and what is going on and if it's the right club for you. Oh and swing clubs are like Vegas - what happens in the club stays in the club.

 

Swinger clubs would proablly be out of the question only cause she don't even like being naked in front of me much less other people. Bdsm would proablly be the same. But without asking I really don't know the true answer.

What is a vouyer/exhibition club? I've never herd of that.

 

Just because it's a swinger club doesn't mean you have to get naked. In fact, you don't have to do anything. Most of them also have exhib/voyeur rooms if you just want to show off or watch only.

a voyeur/exhib. club is exactly what it sounds like.. but with a touch more seediness in some cases.

 

As the Captain Obvious Voice of Moderation (TM) here, let me suggest that it's a little silly to be talking about sex clubs to a guy whose wife just recently decided it was finally cool to let go and flick the scream bean. I realize it's just typical TFP talk and I don't want to piss in anyone's Cheerios but this mild-mannered Datsun isn't ready for the sexual Daytona 500 yet. Baby steps 'n shit.

Now for some controversial reading on the topic of "How do I get my partner to do ___ with me." The comments are just as (if not more) important than the original post itself. I find this post useful because it offers an alternate way for a sexually frustrated someone to talk to their partner about their desires that doesn't involve long sighs or statements that start with "For Chrissakes, they're just anal beads, honey..." Not everybody can sit down to a sensible Subway lunch with their partner and talk about how bad they want to jack off on their fishnet-clad feet (Ahem, World's King). Sometimes it takes a little of The Ladies' Man angle as demonstrated in the above link. Biggest thing is swallowing that tall glass of awkward and admitting you're a kinky fuck to your partner.

I'm a kinky fuck. And I approve this message.

 

Sorry how do we trust sex clubs? How do we know after, privacy and discretion are mutually protected? For people from certain societies it could be fatal damage