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S/O's Brother Dislikes Me

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by mew, Aug 19, 2012.

  1. mew

    mew New Member

    I've been dating my guy for 6 years now, and his whole family seems okay with me. His brother though, gives off the- You annoy me/your an idiot look/attitude. He is always friendly and polite, but I get the vibes. Not everyone's going to like me- I get it, but how can I make our encounters bearable for him? I am so far trying not to talk around him. Suggestions?
     
  2. genuinemommy

    genuinemommy Moderator Staff Member

    Honestly, this is a tough one. At least he's working at being polite around you. There isn't going to be any progress made until he expresses what it is that is bothering him about you - whether to you directly or through your SO.

    On your end, avoidance and keeping quiet is one way of dealing with it. Honestly I'm not sure that is the best option. Often what it takes is for them to get to know you, to see the good parts of your personality - and understanding why their sibling enjoys your company.

    Be warned: his aversion may have nothing to do specifically with you. There may be absolutely nothing you personally can do to "fix things".

    My husband has 4 brothers, some like me more than others. One especially seemed put off by me. It was hard when we lived with his family for a few months during our transition between getting married and going away to grad school. This brother would walk out of the room whenever I stepped in. He would excuse himself from the dinner table mid-sentence and wander off upstairs until I was out of the house. It bothered me so much that I eventually told my husband that it wasn't ok, that I was hurt by his brother's behavior. He had a chat with his brother and the brother really started to make a concerted effort to treat me better. I spoke with my sister-in-law a year or so later about that brother, and she had a similar experience when she lived with the family a couple years before me, except worse. Every time she walked into the house, he would immediately leave the house - just drive off. It turns out, he had a phobia of women. Anyone other than his mother, and he had no idea what to do around them. The anxiety he felt was so great, the he felt it was best to simply remove himself from any interaction whatsoever. He has improved significantly. By the time we moved out, the brother would say hi to me and talk to me if we happened to be in the same room. Years later, he's much better. He even has a girlfriend.
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2012
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  3. Alistair Eurotrash

    Location:
    Reading, UK
    Do you actually know he feels that way? What does your partner say?

    He may be that way with lots of people. He may want your body. He may be shy. Who knows? Either way, I'd just be yourself. It's his problem (if he even has one).
     
  4. Joniemack

    Joniemack Beta brainwaves in session

    Location:
    Reading, UK
    When you say you are trying not to talk around him, do you mean that you sort of crawl into a hole when he's around? If so, I'd advise you not to react in a way that reassures him that he's getting to you. I would be myself around him. His opinion of you, though you may wish for it to be a good one, will not be altered by your retreat whenever he's around. Until you know what bugs him about you, you can do no more than be yourself.

    Why are you trying to make things bearable for him at the expense of yourself? Don't you matter? What does your boyfriend have to say about his brother's attitude?

    Finally, how sure are you that there is a problem?

    A suggestion? 6 years is too long to let something like this bother you. Invite him to lunch or dinner and talk to him. Tell him how you feel and give him every reason to believe that his honesty is welcome. It's a start anyway and a better solution than simply trying to diminish yourself when you're around him.
     
  5. fflowley

    fflowley Don't just do something, stand there!

    I would do the exact opposite, but I'm not exactly Mr. Personality, so take it for what its worth.
    I would work on not letting this bother me, carry on with life.
    They guy is courteous around the OP, so why stir trouble by confronting him for something so undefinable as a "vibe"?
     
  6. If hes friendly and polite what more do you want? Hes probably just a dick but hes trying not to be to you. And since the perceived negativity is coming from him its his issue to deal with anyway. Have you asked your SO if he knows anything? Try that before confronting him.
     
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  7. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    You have no responsiblity towards that person, other than to be courteous.
    Your life is with your SO.

    My wife's brother is a selfish prick...she's been there for him, he not so much for her. (at least in my time with her)
    I'm courteous, period.
    Then I go home and forget about him and enjoy my life with my wife.
     
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  8. The only opinions that matter in your relationship are yours and your SO's. Stop diminishing yourself around anyone.

    I'm absolutely certain that my in-laws never liked me. But then, they treated their only daughter like shit, so their opinion counts for nothing. If someone doesn't value you or the ones you love, they aren't even worth the breath to say "fuck you."
     
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  9. Fangirl

    Fangirl Very Tilted

    Location:
    Arizona
    If I could double like grumpyolddude 's response, I would. Perfectly stated.
     
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  10. Cwtch38

    Cwtch38 Bat Shit Crazy

    Location:
    Uk
    My ex's (current until the divorce comes through) brother was/is a dick. He made it clear from day one he thought his lazy assed drunk of a brother was way to good for me and made sure he expressed his disapproval each time he saw me. I used to smile brightly at him, ask how he was, still smiling brightly, wait for the look of hatred that I had dared to address his superior being before he would grumble a non decipherable reply.
    He had the problem not me, I made sure he did not ever see that he made me feel sad.
    Sometimes confronting the issue opens up a can of worms that you may not be able to put to bed again in your SO family. If he isn't rude just odd, perhaps he is just odd.
     
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  11. highjinx

    highjinx "My phobia drowned while i was gettin' down."

    Location:
    venice beach
    a lot of times it's not necessarily about you, but something going on with him or a weird association he has. i'm with the chorus here that you should stick to doing you and worry only about what's in your hands to fix. if he's got a problem it's his problem to work on and if you haven't done anything to warrant the stinkeye then don't let it splash off on you.
     
  12. mew

    mew New Member

    Genuinegirly: that definitely made me think twice about him perhaps being paranoid.
    Thanks to everyone's suggestions/ advice. In response, my s/o says his brother does like me, but I've seen that look/attitude before. Since I can't really know without confronting him- I will take the best approach and be myself. It is natural and you guys are right. Tough shit for him if he has a problem at all. The drawback is that I do want to get along better with him for my s/o's sake, and I do generally like his personality. He does date women. He is polite and friendly most of the time, so I will take what I can get. Lastly- Wow, you guys have/had shitty family in-laws- love the way you handle them.
     
  13. cynthetiq

    cynthetiq Administrator Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    New York City
    6 years is nothing. if you are going to go for the long term, this passive aggressive stuff is going to go on for 20-3-40-50 years.

    I do nothing but be nice to them and help them as I would any relative. That said, I don't interact or help very many relatives, so the whole circle is small.
     
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