Raging bull

With the Big Dog and I over, again, Im out for revenge with a rebel yell. I have been listening to his psychopathic misogyny for 5 years way way too long. I need to close all windows of opportunity and keep moving. No conversation can be open with him again, even though we are probably the most loquacious people you have ever met. No talking, no explanation, not words written or spoken ever again. In the last 2 weeks he had me. I was fucking acclimating again, I was thinking he could cream me, but why would he? Huh. So things have changed on a dime again. Now, I want to swell up in different places and blow him down, figuratively. Fuck this suffering shit.

1) I cant rid myself of him in this fucking acclimated state without some distraction. Are there any alternatives to online meetings or my local or not so local bar? Being in this state, of course I want to dress it up and flaunt it well, but Im not too happy about it. I dont know that being a fucking pissed off warrior out there in wartornloveland is where I want to be. I will do damage, and be damaged.

2) There have been a couple of art projects on my mind for him for quite a while and we amped them up lately and theyve taken up a lot of my time. I dont want to finish them now, and yet they remain foremost in my mind. I need some creative distraction other than walking to his house with a flamethrower. Since I dont want the conversation to open up again, I am unwilling for him to have the finished projects, and yet they are so good that I want to finish them for him. Fuck me. I need some big creative distraction.

3) Since we were going to visit my family, together, I spoke with people who are most meaningful to me about my deep feelings for him and how he too was meaningful to me. I stood up for him and for us. Now what the hell do I say? I was wrong, again and again and again, and Im obviously a fucking idiot, please trust me to make decisions about myself, not piss you off, and I will never put anyone before you again?

4) I have a lot to say in a ranting way. Im unsure how to unload it decently.I didnt sleep well and when I was up I was sorta pacing and sometimes calling out for him, sometimes stopping to stomp my foot and grimace. Its somewhat effective, but leaving something to be desired.

Im wondering if there is a pattern here, where I could combine all the problems into just 1-2 solutions, getting the most bang for my buck,

 

It sounds like you need a cooldown period to get all the ragejuice outta your system before you do something you'll regret when you come out of the hatecoma.

 

Well, yah.
I thought about doing a series of comic books about the whole thing, but its too much suffering. I dont want to dwell, I want to move on.
I thought about the beach, you know a change of scenery. Funny how I want to move on right now! but right now I can barely move.
Maybe Ill settle for a bath.

 

Feeling better after a hot bath, 2 Nyquil, and a bottle of wine, Ive ruled out psych hospitalization. A step forward!
Stretching is also helpful, as is something to settle one's stomach.

However, the problems still remain. Numbers 1 & 3 are probably most easily tackled. Number 4 will take time I guess and maybe Ill hork it out of my system without too much drama (after all, we remained true to ourselves, if not each other, through it all). Ive been here before. Interestingly, its #3, the projects, that are weighing most heavily. I dont want to lose the momentum.

Cmon fuckers! What do you do with interrupted, but still viable/fun projects that no longer are current but remain on your mind?

 

Wow the phone sex thing really didn't go as planned.
I would just shelve the projects. Put them in the basement if you have one.
As 9er noted above you will probably regret anything you do in violent, passionate haste now.

 

Time and distance.

With regards to the projects you are working, I tend to follow the Neil Gaiman rule of thumb: Make Good Art. If these projects are too painful either put them aside and do something else OR dive into them with new vigor, new perspective.

Gaiman's recent commencement speech as illustrated by: Zen Pencils

 

Having gone through this a number of times, hole up. Like will attract like and make the situation worse or you'll attract someone and abuse the shit out of them. Recognize this and take responsibility for yourself.

1. Leave them unfinished
2. Make finishing them an art project (year one away from him, year two away from him)
3. Find another art partner. Not easy, but doable.
4. You've got all the inspiration you need for something new

They'll get over it. That's what family does. If they don't, they're dicks. Which is also what family does. But then you don't have to worry about it.

Open letters that you never send. Also can be considered an art project. I do so love open letters. I may go write one now.

 

I agree with what poetry says up there.
It's not the time to be straddling strange men. That time will come, though.
Art...you just kind of have to open yourself up to that and let it happen, or not. It's hard to give advice on that one other than: pick up your hands, do something.
Again, what poetry says. Either they love you regardless of the stupid things you do or they don't. And I'm not saying that you've done something stupid, but they might think so. And that's fine, as long as they still respect and support you. If not, fuck them. People are not the summation of their mistakes.
I had a blog that was really cathartic to me after my last breakup. It's an idea. An art project in itself.

And, you should be ready for Joni right about now.
This song was written for broken-hearted warriors.
I listened to this song over and over and over...still do.
Just to remind me that there is beauty in every sad, desperate thing.
Don't despair. And fuck that dude.


View: http://youtu.be/wQPB_HAQyB4
--- merged: Mar 19, 2013 5:00 AM ---
we're only particles of change, I know, I know
orbiting around the sun
but how can I have that point of view
when I'm always bound and tied to someone?