Porn and... performance

More confession time. Up until last year, I had an on-off porn addiction that started to become a problem - I would find myself masturbating every day (sometimes twice), and eventually I found that I would struggle to get it up unless I watched increasingly explicit and harder scenes which alarmed me. I also realised that I wasn't motivated to seek out human sexual contact... or was using this as some sort of coping mechanism with unwelcome results.

I'd tried to quit before, but always found myself coming back to it. At New Year's I decided to go cold turkey in order to seek out a partner and haven't watched any since, at all, in the last almost seven months. I don't regret this in the slightest, and partly as a result I managed to have my first sexual relationship this year for about three months.

I did find that I still had difficulty getting things going, even though she was (and is) stunningly beautiful and incredibly sexy, and I did feel a deep sense of humiliation about it as a result. She was very understanding, and I did find a little medical assistance helpful at times to make things happen.

That relationship is now over, but I am obviously concerned that this may be a problem in future encounters. I am 36 andslightly overweight, but my health is otherwise generally ok. I'm convinced it is the 10+ years of pornographic dependence that leaves me struggling in the real world with a real woman.

Has anyone had this experience before, and been able to overcome it? I have heard of people "rebooting" and regaining their potence, and I am willing to do what it takes. As I said before, I haven't viewed pornography at all this year and masturbate minimally and without any media stimulation.

Thanks in advance for being kind.

 

Can I start with suggesting therapy?
It has nothing to do with the porn I promise.
We all could use a little work on our noggins and I suspect that it might help a bit.
Depression and like issues can play hell with our ability to connect with people and seriously fuck up how we handle sex.
I speak from experience.

As to the porn issue, like guru @rogue49 pointed out it's a tool.
You use it or you don't, it's not a drug that you become addicted to.
Masturbation is a good thing.
You should have an orgasm at least once a day to avoid prostate cancer according to them (you know them, them on the internet).

 

Hi. Not wanting to anyway dismiss what these good gentlemen have said but there is another aspect to this not covered yet... If you enjoy porn, masturbation, and exploration then why not find a partner that has at least some of those interests. Some women thrive on the erotic being part of their natures and lives.

Back in those distant younger days I spent hours at a time jilling off (such a funny term) and would happily now... if not you know for family being around pretty much constantly. I still sneak in a self touch session as often as humanly possible. lol. I very much adore porn in many forms and have had relationships with women and with men, though more with women.

Also, other physical activities that (safely) get your blood pumping and heart racing may help bring your sex drive into vroom vroom territory. Work outs rile up many people, even if they don't for you sweating and pushing yourself feels good.

Were you taught that masturbation is wrong? I was. Did not stop me at all though. just made me feel guilty for years. Figuring out why you feel ashamed will probably tell you a great deal about what the next steps in your sexual journey should be.

 

Thanks for the input, everyone. Very interesting!

Yes - I have been raised to believe that masturbation, porn, and premarital sex are all wrong. There's plenty to unpack just from that guilt.

I have started therapy actually, only had one session so far, but the goal is to deal with the recent breakup and the low-mood/depression that set in after that, and the insecurities that turned up. I hadn't reckoned on sex therapy as well, but I will ask my therapist what their recommendation is on that.

While obviously I'd like to find a partner that shares my interests, I've only ever had sex with the one person so far... and my current condition doesn't fill me with confidence as far as finding further partners goes!

 

You've taken some courageous and commendable first steps toward recovery of you and your sexual identity! If you have a trustworthy therapist they should both listen to and challenge you. Therapy is not easy, people are complex and confusing things and our heads and hearts don't always agree or even find common ground.

As for sex therapy some swear by it I've never had it, just sort of picked up the shattered pieces and glued myself back together. Must admit a patient caring partner helped a great deal in that regard, but I had started the work on my lonesome.

Instead of focusing on the future of what you may or may not find in a partner how about changing into a person you like being with. That can be brutally hard work! I hated myself for the vast majority of my life and my flaws greatly outweigh my perks but I never stop trying to be better. Self hate and loathing have done irreparable damage so I just try to find those places and create something new in their place. Does that make sense? I babbled sorry.

Please don't be offended as I am not trying to tell you what to do, only what worked when I had to pick up my pieces of self. There are several references to a variety of religions in this book, but none of it in it a you must follow this path sort of way. This book helped me see that while I loathed me I would bring that into every relationship. To change I had to find at least one I thing I liked about me and stick with it.
View: https://www.amazon.com/If-Buddha-Dated-Handbook-Spiritual/dp/0140195831


There is no one right answer for dealing with grief , depression, and guilt, but I really hope you find your path. You're taking positive steps and please remind yourself you are as worthy as anyone of love.

--- Double Post Merged, Jul 30, 2017, Original Post Date: Jul 30, 2017 ---

Beautifully said. <3