Navigating a breakup

I just broke up with my girlfriend of 1 1/2 years.

We're both in our early thirties with little relationship experience. Both of us went through a period in our 20s where we were fairly promiscuous and had both friends and lovers but didn't really seek partners.

In my case, I had one partner-like relationship that started 6 years ago and lasted 2 years with a 6 month break in the middle. My ex from that relationship and I ended up good friends. There is absolutely zero sexual tension and our friendship is great. She tells me that her only "real" relationship was with another woman almost 10 years ago. She has had relationships with men before me, but they were just bed buddies.

We met online - it was my first time on okcupid - and immediately took a liking to each other. We both have similar social ideals and similar politics.

Our biggest differences have been around how we approach responsibility. She has a large family that takes care of her and acts as her backup plan if anything goes wrong. She is adamantly against saving money and doesn't the point. She relies on her family to help her when things go wrong (and then - in my opinion - doesn't appreciate it).

I come from a small, poor family and have always felt that I have to lead my own economic security. I feel nervous if I don't have money in the bank because I know that I don't have anyone to pull me out if I find myself in a hole. There are limits to how much you can rely on friends. Because of this, I spent a lot of my teens and 20s building an educational and career bulwark against poverty. I missed out on a lot of the fun social things that people that age get to do because of it, but it was the choice that I felt I needed to make.

I'm an introvert; I have a small, close circle of friends plus a loose, wide circle of acquantances. She is an extrovert with a huge sea of good friends whom she is close to.

The year and a half that we spent together included a lot of fun things. We both like camping, swimming and doing things outdoors. We both have lots of wonderful memories of doing great "first" things with each other. The problem is that I couldn't bring myself to think of her as someone who I can build a life with. Doing fun things together has been great, but when we try to do things that are work-like, they go nowhere. I've wound up feeling like its my job to take care of anything difficult or anything that involves non day-to-day money (we split day-to-day stuff 50/50).

I've felt like I need a partner who is on the same page as me, and who has similar goals. I love having fun, but I need someone with whom I can share both the work and the rewards.

There were a lot of other problems too, but this is one of the core ones. Also, I don't want kids, she "might" and I don't feel that she is the person who I would want to have kids with if I changed my mind. I've also felt like we got super-attached to each other because it was our first partner-like relationship in a long time.

I feel like a jerk because part of my reason for breaking up is tied to money.

I also feel like I'm going to be alone forever because I'm now over 30 and without anyone who I can be on the road to partnership with.

What do you think? Am I a jerk for ending it? Am I a jerk for not believing int he relationship? Everything here is written from my point of view; there is another side. I'm not qualified to write it, but you can imagine it.

 

"going to be alone forever because I'm now over 30"

No. People over 30 tend to think like you.

I'm 64. I think 30 is young. If you are healthy your adult life is ahead for you.
You are more likely to develop a long term relationship after 30.

So says the guy who has never had one.

 

Are you a jerk? Sure. We're all jerks, assholes & selfish self-centred people. Most of us (including you) don't have this as our defining characteristic. You had a good run with a lovely partner who grew with you for a long time. That's golden. You didn't feel in your heart of hearts that it was a partnership to grow old with. Good for you for having the courage and self-awareness to accept that and take the painful, critical step of letting go.

Flat5 points out you aren't old. That many relationships founder when entered into too young. I ignored my inner voice & was married 25 years to my highschool sweetheart. Had 4 kids, a mortgage, you name it. Accepting that had been a mistake and moving on was pretty hard. You made the decision at the right time. You won't be alone forever. Be open. Don't be desperate. It'll be fine.

Time. That's what you need right now. Get out of your own head. Don't give too much airtime to the droning voice in your head. Barring misfortune you'll get that time. Odds are you'll get that partner who is better for you and her both. Hang in there and be cool. At the end of the day you can look back and see it all unfolded as it ought.

 

Not a single mention of "love."

I find that curious.

 

That was a big part of the problem. I think we had something that felt like love at the beginning, and we care for each other, but the love isn't there now and hasn't been for a while.

I'm sad to say it, but I don't feel like loving each other was at the center of the relationship. I feel like enjoying each others' company was important but wanting the security of a relationship was pretty big in there too.

At the end, I told her that I love her like a friend but wasn't in love with her. I think she understood that and I don't think she disagreed. Of course, thats my skewed opinion.