Lonely. Not good with dating/girls/relationships/IDK. Whats wrong with me?Plz Help (Depressing post)

INTRO
I could write an epic long post, but no one would read it or maybe even understand what I was saying. (After writing some, it turns out it's gonna be long anyways) Also, I have no friends and am in need of venting my emotions/thoughts in search of some sort of advice. I just need to get some things off my chest. I don't have anyone to talk to. EDIT: This is getting so long I may not even post it.

I'll try to stick to basics and let your questions uncover the other main parts I may have missed. I'll probably skip the majority of my past experiences and leave that up to answers to questions as I don't know what is necessary of my past to expand upon.


INTROVERT/EXTROVERT?
I am a guy.
I used to think of myself as extremely introverted, but recently I've heard introverted extrovert, extroverted introvert, ambivert, etc... Not sure what I am anymore, but I know I'm not pure extrovert.

I'm shy in all new environments, whether it's a job, being part of a group with people I barely know, or meeting a girl. Very introverted, but I'll talk when spoken to and when expected to. Not so much out of free will.

As I become more comfortable with my new surroundings, I open up. For example, I moved into an 8-person apartment when I went to work at Disney as part of a college internship program. I was shy at first, but as I got to know my surroundings and was around the people I lived with, I opened up in a big way. I drank for the first time with them and went to parties. Shouted, laughed, and passed out. If I go to a new job, I'm SUPER to myself until I get to know how to do things quicker and more efficiently which triggers my extroverted side which makes me want to get to know other people I work with and talk to.

I don't have real friends beyond "work friends".

I have ADHD which I am not taking meds for as I went through all that during my grade school years and all meds did was cause me to feel BLAH and hungover without the headaches.

THE 4 GIRLS
I've had 3 relationships in my life. Well, the first one may or may not count to some degree, but it may have had some sort of effect in my young brain somehow. And the 4th one I will bring up too.

1. - Beth
The first was a girl I met in Pre-Kindergarden. She was the only boy she liked and we were best friends until I had to move right before 5th grade. She didn't have many friends nor did I. I actually don't think I had any besides her and my next door neighbor. She always told me she wanted to marry me. We were close and had we stayed together beyond 5th grade, I think we would have stayed together and turned it into a more adult relationship during high school years. I still have memories from back then.

2. Naiana
Brazilian girl I instantly had feelings for upon meeting her during my Disney College Program job. Yeah, L-O-N-G time since my former relationship with a girl. I was working "Extra Magic Hours" at a resort other than my main workplace and I looked across the food court and felt something (I'll explain this feeling I get after this section). I forget who asked who out, but we went out on a date at Olive Garden and we just continued to click into place. A quote: "You are the most nicest boy I have ever met". Unfortunately, she only had two weeks left of her International College Program before she had to leave. She was dating some guy before (between the time she started her program and met me) and she said he didn't treat her right, but I was much better. She wished we had met sooner. So did I.

3. Liz
*SIGH* Where do I begin without creating a mile long paragraph?
Met online. Messaging (online) every day led to Texting (phone) every day led to Talking (phone) every day led to meeting for the first time. This whole long distance process lasted about 1.5-2 years before we first met. We damn near communicated every day. During this long distance relationship, communicating replaced dating meaning this is where we got to know each other intensely. We met IRL for the first time and I remember her staying with me for a short amount of time (weeks?) at my parents house when I lived with them, at her college dorm, at her mom's house, a year at an apartment in my city, and a month (not even) at her mom's house again. Or something like that. During this IRL part of the relationship, everything was just dandy until we moved into our own apartment together in my city. She ended up pregnant. I was ok with that. Her family was ok with it. Mine not so much as they didn't think I could support ((financially or parental-ly) a child. Basically, my parents didn't believe in me. I relied on my, at the time, fiance's (mental/psychological [don't know the word to use]) support. During her pregnancy, she changed. Her brain was different. She wanted to have the baby at her city with her family and that was never brought up before or during the pregnancy. We always talked about having it wherever we lived at the time. I cut short my lease, moved with her to her mom's house and less than a month later she broke up with me. (Note: This was not the first breakup. We had a handful of very minor (lasting a day or weekend up to a full week) breakups and one previous major one lasting I don't know a month maybe). I wanted to stay with her because even though when things got worse than before, I could still see the person a fell in love with and I promised her (she promised the same, but ultimately failed) I wouldn't even give up on her. I mean, should you ever give up on a loved one be it a family member or your significant other? I felt like if I gave up on her, it would really screw me up inside. I think part of me wanted to sacrifice my sanity for the small chance that the girl I fell in love with would somehow come back. I will stop here because there's A LOT more drama past this point and even before. Ask questions because I don't know how to filter irrelevant information on this girl.

4. Jessica
There's this girl at work. Something inside awakes (again, I'll explain this feeling in a bit). Friday, I ask her out. YES. She's gonna call me. Sunday, no call, but I see her again. Friendly chat. YES, she still wants to go out. She will call me "after work". Monday, nothing. Tuesday (today), I see her again. Friendly nervous chat. I ask if I said/did something that may have scared her away. No, she decided to get back with her ex. It's an on again off again type thing. True? I dunno. Playing hard to get? I dunno. Decided not interested in me last minute? I dunno. I'll just consider her the one that got away. Everyone has one of those, right?

RANDOM RELEVANT INFO ABOUT ME
The three girls I have dated and had relationships with (to some degree) all said I was very unique and special. A very rare type of guy, even. I've always thought of myself as having two sides to me. An introvert side and an extrovert side. I always start off very shy and being able to open up to maybe 55%-75% on the extrovert side. Even when I'm comfortable enough with a person or environment to access my extrovert side, I still revert to being introverted when I leave the presence of what's triggering my comfortableness to go to my extrovert side. Sometime, maybe not 100% back to my introverted self, but most of the way, I'd say.

I don't cheat. You think I could keep track of multiple girls? I lived in Memphis for over a decade and I STILL can't navigate around town without my GPS. I suck at names and my short term memory enjoys too much attention and it's hard to get things hammered into my long term memory. Takes about twice as long exactly to get things down SOMETIMES.

Anyways, I don't cheat. I choose to stay focused on one girl.


HOW I FEEL ABOUT DATING
I don't know how to put this simply. You know how girls will say guys think with their dicks rather than their brain? I can't do that. I don't seem to have that ability. For girls number 2-4, there was something more than looks that triggered my interest. I felt like I could literally SENSE something. Girls refer to magic/spark/flame going out when they break up. I almost feel like I can sense this magic/spark/flame because I have ONLY felt this with the other girls I had a relationship with (#1-3) and it turned out we were VERY compatible.

I felt this feeling with #4 and it's been maybe 8-9 years since I last had this feeling (since I started dating #3). It's incredibly rare that I feel this way about someone and I've chosen to explore that feeling by getting to know the girl and 3 out of 4 times it led to an amazing relationship.

So why don't I casually date and find someone like that like normal guys do?
I don't know. I can look at a girl and she can look hot as can be, but something turns me off when I don't sense that mysterious feeling I did with the others. I feel like if I attempted to date a girl purely on physicality alone, it would end badly and I would become all introverted and depressed and lonely again.

I feel like between the time I date a girl up to and past marriage, I'm not just giving her my attention, but I'm opening up my heart. I'm taking my heart and giving it to her. I'm taking in all the memories and storing them long term. If I find someone I want to date, I care about her to the max and want to get to know everything about her.

I am an open book. During the times I have been alone, I have had the perspective of seeing other people in their relationships and I have seen and learned a lot from them. Mostly their failures I think. I've learned that communication is a big part in a relationship failure and that has resulted in me believing and enforcing an open book law. One of the three things I believe in is communication and whatever she wants to know from me, I'll say. I don't hide my feelings. If I start to hide things, then I'm tapping into my introverted side, and while I'm dating someone, I'm more of an extrovert than introvert. I'm kind of emotional too. Or, well, can be. I don't mind talking about what's making me sad or embarrassed or whatever. Basically, things that the average guy tends to keep to himself that girls wish their guys would tap into more, I'll talk about.

I like a lot of stuff that you females like too. You know how people say we all start off as females and then some of us turn to males? I have always felt that, when I take a look at my interests, I have a female shadowing and influencing my brain. Currently, right now, while I'm being alone, I watch TV shows, watch movies, play games, and work. Mostly that's because I don't have money (got new job which will change that FAST). When I have money, I'm still mostly the same, but I add enjoying cooking. When I'm in a relationship, I add a ton of artsy stuff I either do or have interest in. Museums, art museums, wider/more flexible range music, poetry, dancing, talking about emotional stuff, etc. Yeah, I've had to incinerate my Man Card plenty of times already. But yeah, I don't like playing or watching sports. I feel like part of my brain is stuck in female mode. I've also always felt like maybe that's the case because I've had a long experience watching other guys and girls and how their actions affect the other and I kind of understand why girls get so pissed at guys and I've learned off of that. There are common things that guys tend to do and it's programmed my brain to want to do the opposite. I'll use sports as an example again. Maybe it's just because I was built to not enjoy sports, but maybe it has something to do with me growing up surrounded with the thought that girls don't like guys being so much into sports because it takes attention away from them. Or something like that. I don't know. Paragraph getting too long. Next topic.

Let's see, what did I say? I can't cheat, I'm big on communication, I have a much better chance at my interests matching a girls seeing as though my brain seems like it's still partly female inside or something, I don't seem to feel comfortable with casual dating based off of physicality factors alone, ummm......what else. I've always been a listener. Girls complain a lot that their guys never listen. I don't get that. If she says something, I listen. She could be talking about her grandmothers gardener and I can still be interested. The introverted side of me sometimes prevents me from responding to the right way and/or in a timely manner, but I still listen and can make myself be interested.

On top of all that, I love to travel, love animals, play guitar, don't get drunk just to get drunk, don't smoke but don't mind if she does, go to amusement parks/carnivals/fairs, fine dining, a lot of stuff that your normal guy thinks is boring and the girl likes *I* most likely also have or can develop an interest in if the girl also likes it too.


DONE TALKING
Ok, I have to work at 8am and get off at 10pm for 2 jobs. I think I just needed to type out what was on my mind. That kinda de-stressed me just typing this out. Still thinking about not posting, but if you are reading this then I obviously posted it. I hate being lonely. I was really depressed after the final breakup with #3. It took A LOT of breaking up, getting back together, over and over to the point to where my heart couldn't take it anymore before I could finally let go. I feel like if I dedicate myself to someone, the longer we are together and amount of effort we put in to our relationship, the amount of strength our bond is, it will take all that and more to break my bond with a girl. I either feel back to my normal lonely self again or I'm just too tired to be stressed and worked up over stuff for today.

So how screwed up is my head? What kind of person am I? What am I doing wrong? I miss life in Orlando where there were TONS of people to work with and meet. I also miss the good parts of #3. I'm tired of being alone. I'm about to start earning a lot of money and I'll find myself alone with no one to enjoy it with. I want to travel, dine, have fun with a special someone, but since I've only felt something special with just a handful of people, I don't see #5 coming along anytime soon.

BTW, All of this came as soon as #4 said yes to a date. Maybe even started trickling out when I first met her and started talking to her. I feel like when she said yes to a date, that she opened a can of past memories and emotions of how I felt when I last sensed something magical with my former relationships and how happy I felt during the best of times with that girl. I probably would have been fine if she didn't go back to her ex, but now I'm stuck with a can of open wounds/memories/feeling/emotions/whatever that took a long time to get over and/or bury just so I could move on with a lonely life. I'm only happy when I'm working and doing what I do best or when I'm home where I can trade a boring/lonely life for a nice movie(s)/TV episode(s) or season(s)/YouTube vids/games. Basically, burying myself in the internet and work is the only place where I am not reminded about my loneliness. I'm happy at work.

What is wrong with me?

FML

 

Relevant?

 

Some easier-said-than-done thoughts off the top of my head (I have other things clogging my brain right now):

Try to get out and meet people. Don't be an introvert, but at the same time don't reveal too much about yourself too quickly. That can make you seem desperate and needy.

Knowing your age would help.

 

Recently I wrote this answer in other forum, but I think, that your case is similar.....

One of your problems in relationships with women could be a deeply hidden belief that you should be perfect, to be accepted from women (or anyone else).

The truth is, to be successful in relationships with women, instead of being perfect, you must be as close as possible to your REAL YOU. You don’t have to improve yourself. On the contrary, you have to identify events in your own life (including childhood) that pushed you away from yourself. You also have to UNLEARN the things that you have read or heard and used in order to create artificial “improved” version of yourself.

You don’t have to go the pussy path and accept and embrace your current feelings. They won’t go away by just looking at them or suppressing. Instead, you must identify all your negative feelings and use them as your guide. If you feel anger, desperation or even depression, then it means that you are very far away from your REAL YOU. This means that at the moment you are living the version of yourself that matches the expectations of someone else (or society in general). And of course you can’t love this version of yourself, because you feel deep inside of you that it is fake.

Therefore, my advice to you is that you need to learn to listen to yourself. Spend time alone, away from everyone (the best way to do that – go for a regular and at least 1-2 hour long walks in nature). Don’t think about what girls or society could want from you. Think about what YOU REALLY WANT to feel better in EACH and EVERY moment of your life. And let’s forget for a while about sex. At first you have to get back your REAL YOU in your everyday life.

Analyze how you communicate with people, can you say NO, when you really want to say NO (even to the girls); can you ask other people (including girls) for what you really want or you always try to sacrifice yourself to look better in their eyes; can you tell your real opinion, or you always try to compromise, thus trying avoid conflicts or to upset someone (and girls).

Sex also is one of the communication types between people and you will come to it naturally and effortlessly, when you will be able to show to the world (and the girls) in your everyday life that you feel very good the way you are…… that you love yourself the way you are…….. that you are not a victim, who desperately tries to correct his “imaginary faults” to get acceptance from others……but a confident and self-contained male, who really feels good about himself, who radiates life energy, and who knows what he wants………including in relationships with women..…and in sex……

But at first.....find your REAL YOU........and live it........fully.......because at he moment you are living some LOST and CHAOTIC version of you.....

 

As a fellow, single, introvert; I feel for ya. I personally took myself out the dating game after my last relationship fell apart. I'm not very good at expressing my emotions and I tend to keep a lot bottled up. I'm also kinda set in my ways. I don't want someone who wants to change me. I would like to be with someone who accepts the not so bad faults I have and is willing to help me keep the bad ones in check. I, in turn, would do the same for them. I'm also an avid gamer and that is something, in my experience, a lot of woman from my generation are not into. And that is fine. Being a gamer is not for everyone. Which is why I can pulled away from my PC for a good run of movies on Netflix, or doing a matinee run on a Sunday. I don't want their life to be dependent on life. IMO, there is Our Time, My Time and Her Time. I want a healthy-ish balance of all 3.

My advice to you is to find a local community you feel comfortable joining: Gamer Clan, Book Club, Knitting Circle, etc. Just get used to being around people more. Allow that anxiety to slowly dissipate. Assess your personal habits and traits. What are you willing to and not change? Slowly work on the things you are willing to change. Try to make a platonic friendship or two with some ladies. This will also help with any anxiety you may have. Go out alone. Sounds depressing, but it helps to get away from your house, even it's by yourself. See some movies, go to out to lunch or dinner. Heck most bars have a Taco Tuesday. When you're finally comfortable, put yourself back out on the market. Just don't expect anything. Prepare yourself for possible reject and just keep at it. Also take breaks between dating. If you hit a string of rejections, go dark for a week, try again later. When you find someone interested, let them know you want to take things slowly. I personally have found most women are amicable to slow and steady. With that said, if you connect with someone and the 4th of July is going off for the both of you, strap in tight and hold on during the ride.

Relationships are messy, because life is messy. a long as you have YOU squared as much as possible, things will slowly work themselves out. And never forget that you CAN fit a square peg into a round hole, if you're able and willing to shave off a bit from the corners.

 

Per the info in his profile

Metallica_Band was last seen:
Jul 30, 2015

Of course he might've visited without logging in.