It was all good until my dumbass friend said...

It was all good until my dumbass friend said...

Dumbass friends? We all have them. And they say some fantastic shit at the most inopportune times.

Examples:

- Out at a bar with my buddy following my afternoon college class, met some snobby-but-there girls, got to the usual "tell us about yourself" show 'n tell part in the conversation when he suddenly goes "Yeah, this guy and I? We're MMA fighters. I train him." Now, if anything turns a girl's clit into a truck stop vending machine raisin (bone dry shriveled) it's probably two scrawny white guys claiming to be in the same arena as BJ Penn and Anderson Silva. Don't get me wrong, my buddy is a really good full contact karate fighter. He's fought competitively, traveled internationally for it and has been knocked out by names you've actually heard of if you're into the sport. He did, in fact, train me. But you can't brand yourself as an MMA fighter if you don't look the part. When you're like 6'6", 185 pounds soaking wet with a brick in each pocket, have a Scooby Doo's Shaggy haircut and are dressed up like a GAP model people will just assume you're totally full of shit, brah. I felt like I was standing next to Kip from Napoleon Dynamite after that. And I'm guessing the girls did too given their expression. I'm not sure how much pussy he's pulled from dropping the cage fighter line but it really, really has to go. The only thing that could be worse than claiming to be a cage fighter is claiming to be a friggin' ninja. Or maybe a superhero.

You are not a cage fighter.​

- Sitting in a booth at a restaurant across from an army buddy. Guy is a belligerent drunk yet everybody seems to like him. One of those guys; he's got that weird rock star vibe, I guess. Our waitress was a pretty cute college girl so he decides to put the moves on her after what may have been his second or third drink in like ten minutes. And when I say moves, I mean asshole moves. "Hey, did you know I'm a superhero?" "Oh, yeah? So you fight crime?" "I do; you wanna guess my superpower?" Now, there are about a million ways that this could have gone that would have involved humor or a pick-up line--something positive--but old boy had been into the Jack and Cokes and I suddenly got a bad feeling. "It burns when I urinate!" He didn't say it, no, he nearly screamed it and cackled. My flabbergasted WTF? face was probably worthy of its own Reddit F7U12 meme. She brought the check later. No further conversations were had. I'm pretty sure she'll remember my buddy forever... as Smiley Genital Sores Man.

Herpes is not a superpower.​

...

Your mission:

So, TFP... let's have it: the dumbestass-dumbass statements of all time coming from your friends, family and coworkers. I want fucked up meetings, ruined phone calls, bombed pickup lines, awkward holiday discussions, wildly inappropriate topics, stoic bosses, police officers, angry wives, etc.

 

If they want to believe, they will believe. Years ago in a similar situation I told some young women that I was a test pilot. Alcohol made me want to say it. Alcohol made them want to believe it.

 

You were that guy, huh? Story of your username, amiright?

 

We would have made a helluva pair. MMA fighter and test pilot on the town.

Ain't no sheep safe tonight.

 

I was at a party one night, when one of my buddies says (to the girls we are chatting up), "We're comedy writers". This might've worked if either of us were funny in any way.

 

funniest unsuccessful pickup line in recent memory: "i fly jets" to another Academy girl who was dolled up and looking like a hot civilian until she asked him questions only a cadet would ask. he shut his gob right quick after that.

 

I was at an out-of-town wedding for a buddy back in 2002; all the guys were there and we all left our wives/girlfriends at home, except for one guy who was content to wallow in his own misery and self-pity. Anyway, we were entertaining some of the bridesmaids and the waitresses at the rehearsal dinner...

...you know what? Pictures will tell the story better than words. May I present to you in webcomic form, "How to Kill a Party Atmosphere/Dry Up a Vagina in Less Than 5 Seconds"

 

"Fuck you, you can't arrest us!"

 

Here's one from my own sorted college past;

I went straight to college after high school and my friend Ted went into the marine corp like his father and brother before him. After completing his training. Ted joined the reserves and reported to an armory about an hour away from where I went to school here in Indiana. During a long weekend, Ted loaded up a couple of his fellow marines into his red Chevy Impala and drove into town to tear through some college bars and through some college girls. I was brought in as the designated driver as I knew where their motel was and what bars the local talent was likely to visit.

If getting ruthlessly drunk, mildly hostile, and completely full of bullshit is a rite of passage of young men; their passports were stamped that night. When the collective alcohol level reached "too drunk to flirt," I rounded up Ted's crew and headed to the car. We were about half way to the motel when slurred demands for food started to erupt from the back seat, so I turned into a nearby gas station and turned them loose again.

A major detail I did not include above is at the time I was being treated for an imbalance in my brain chemistry that had epilepsy-like symptoms. In short; if I overly stressed myself physically, I would have a seizure like looked exactly like a blackout. Which is what happened when I was standing in like to pay for my own food. When I came to, I stood back up with no real understanding as to what happened. The guy in line in front of me leaned back and whispered "you might want to get out of here. They called the police when you blacked out." At this point, I realized that I had caught a seizure and no amount of explanation was going to uncall the 5-0. While going into panic mode, I packed the guys back into the car and chose to trying and make the additional eight blocks from the gas station to the motel.

We nearly made it. The motel parking lot turned into a disco of red and blue lights right after we pulled in. As the driver I was pulled out to do a field sobriety test (passed, got a C) while an increasing number of local officers surrounded the car full of drunk and now enthusiastic marines. I can't one hundred percent confirm the below details as Ted only shared them after sobering up the next day. Since I could not give them the registration and proof of insurance, the officers were trying to convince Ted that it was in his best interest to find them in the glovebox. Meanwhile in the backseat one of the marines I'll call Bug started pulling his jeans off. When asked what he was doing Bug loudly answered "I gotta piss." Apparently the cop told Bug he wasn't allowed to get out of the car. Bug's response was "fine, I'm going to piss right here." Hearing this, Ted spun around in the front passenger seat and began verbally telling Bug all the terrible things that would happen to him if he relieved himself inside the car.

While this was going on I was wrapping up the breathilizer test and explaining when had happened in the gas station. Eventually, a supervising officer showed up. He eyeballed the carful of drunk arguing soldiers before coming up to question the officer completing my test.

"He pass the walk and turn?"

"Yes."

"So give him his ID and let them go."

With no more concern, he spun around and left. Reluctantly, they returned all of our IDs and said they would be watching the area to make sure we didn't start any further incidents. Once the parking lot was empty again, I got the room door open and herded the guys into the room. I can confirm that Bug's jeans were at half mast when he staggered from the car to the room. Once they were inside I locked the door from the inside before throwing the keys inside and closing the door behind me. I figure it would be severalhours before any of them were sober enough to find the keys and know how to use them.

After all this, I still had to walk home to my own place.

 

Me: No officer, not a drop all night.
My already toked up buddy: nope, tonight's a smokin' night!
The cop: What did he say?
Me: Dont mind him, He gets excited when he leaves the house... the flashing blue lights probably arent helping...
The cop: Sir, step outta the car please...

 

"I'll cascade your Niagra Falls"

Cock blocked by my buddy....

 

you're clearly a twisted soul who was wrongfully deprived of some sexiness no thanks to your friend. i'm glad you and your action figures beat the shit out of him, he deserved it. also, how the actual fuck did you make that comic? it's brilliant