(In)fertility

So, first off, I wanted to share the good news with everyone: the bloodwork came back yesterday, after a grueling round of IVF. Mrs. Levite is pregnant: we will become parents sometime between mid-November and mid-December!

I am so stoked, I cannot tell you, and immensely relieved.

But I also wanted to take the opportunity to note for further reflection and discussion that both Mrs. Levite and I were shocked at how little willingness there is to discuss fertility problems among most people in our acquaintance. Those of our friends who had been through it said they'd had the same experience. I don't whether it's that there's a stigma attached to infertility, or that people are just prudish about fertility and reproduction, or something else altogether. Thank God for close friends and internet discussion forums; but it still seems to me like something that ought to be much more freely discussed in general.

Has this been the experience of others here? I would be curious to know what people think about the issue....

 

We were told we couldn't have children,and were not candidates for IVF. So after the calendars and red pens went in the trash, we became pregnant. Go figure.

No one in our circle was comfortable with the discussion, but all were happy for our little bundle.

You should be stoked, fatherhood is a great experience.

 

We were lucky in that we had some friends in the same situation who were about 6 months "ahead" of us in the treatment/investigation, so my wife could discuss all the fun things women get to go through in this respect. Guys do have it easy in the physical respect. But unlike our friends, we did manage to get pregnant. After that, we seemed to have knack, lol. But for people who don't face it, infertility is hard to understand... after all, you just stick it in, have some fun, and don't take precautions, right?

 

I don't understand people who can't discuss ANYTHING. I will discuss anything with anybody, usually. Trolls excluded. When me and the now ex-wife were going through fertility, nobody wanted to discuss it. I guess that's why fertility groups get started.

Once when my wife and another new mother were discussing breast milk in a cafe, a couple at another table started getting upset, because breast milk was brought up. Nobody was whipping out their breasts, btw. I told them to grow the fuck up. Friggin' conservative jerks.

Congratulations on the pregnancy. That's good news.

 

First and foremost, congratulations! That's awesome news!

Why are people hesistant to discuss fertility? In my pointy little head it seems like it sort of begins with you banging Mrs. Levite. And that's not a comfortable conversation. Many of us are hesistant to talk about reproductive bits that don't work exactly right, and it becomes awkward. This is a bad analogy, but in one sense it's similar to discussing constipation.

There's also the issue for those of us that don't share the problem. A friend of mine with 4 kids jokes that his wife gets pregnant when they share the same bar of soap - I'm in a similar circumstance. I simply have a hard time relating to your issue and finding common ground. All I can do is listen - I can't even offer advice.

 

I know from where I've talked with people who are parents who have friends going through IVF, (I am not a parent) it makes them feel guilty that something happened easily for them, and not for someone else. I can liken it to the interaction with anyone when there is a "handicap" of sorts.

It the sense that talking about how it just happened for them would just rub it in for someone else trying desperately and possibly failing.

 

I'm not sure that I'd be uncomfortable or prudish concerning fertility. I just have no frame of reference and can't relate. Both of my daughters are loved and wanted; but both are evidence that birth control isn't 100%.

 

Seems a very odd thing for people to be uncomfortable to discuss seeing how everyone is quick to congratulate when someone becomes pregnant. I have no direct experience with infertility (3 kids to prove it) but my wife and I had other difficulties post-pregnancy which we found were sometimes difficult to discuss with others.

Congrats on the impending baby!

I will offer this advice...don't let the kids outnumber you.

 

Well, everyone has made soem great points, and i think th emost reasonable is the one that people who are unfamiliar may feel they have nothing to contribute. However, i had friends undergoing invetro wheni was a newlywed in my first marriage. we were nowhere near ready for kids, but i still wanted to know everything he felt comfortable sharing. He was very open about it, and because of the concern for our friends, and the interest in what cna be done if issues were to present thmeselves for me, i (and my wife at the time) became very supportive of our friends, and even got pretty stoked about the impending birht oursleves. My friends wife later gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. they were premature and the girl had some health issues. My ex and i volunteered as much help as we could with meals, wathcing the other child, and various other mundane tasks while they went through months of grueling hospital stays with the little girl.

I think sometimes its not just familiarity, but interest. This was a big moment in the life of one of my closest friends, and also an experience i could learn from. i was all ears, and full of questions, and i think it did him some good to have a guy he could talk about it with.

i do think though, that some people may have a moral or religious perspective with it, that may make it best for them to keep their mouths shut on the topic, especially around friends. that is if they intend to stay friends... LOL even after having learned everything i think you can know about IVF without being a doctor, i had made up my own mind that it prolly wasnt for me, and that if i ever found out i could not have children of my own, i would feel better about adopting. i would never have judged my friends for their choice, but simply made my own judgment call for myself.

anyway, just my thoughts on the matter...

 

Levite, congratulations mate!

fatherhood will change you in ways you wouldnt believe. And you'll cherish every moment.

i think i can relate to you in some ways not only in the fertility front, but also the cultural front.

when we had our ferility issues, i didnt discuss them with anyone outside me and she-lish. Till now my parents, as well as she-lish's still dont have a clue as to what happened or even that there was a problem to begin with. The way i saw it, the more people that knew about it the more cultural pressure we were going to get from the family, as well as what i saw would be misplaced sympathy for us. I didnt really want my personal business nor my sperm count to be the topic of conversation for the family, nor did i want additional stress on my parents who were getting along.... especially after the specialist told me that it was going to be extremely difficult to become a dad naturally if at all.

im assuming that our linked cultures may be similar enough when it comes to taboos of this nature, but yes, thank goodness for close friends!

 

I have never been in a more tense, unpleasant location than the waiting room of the fertility clinic. I think it was even worse for me as a man. The second we walked in there I had this queasy feeling and couldn't wait to leave.
I think it's the way a dog feels when they go to the euthanasia room at the vet's office. They just know.

Second, the worst thing you can say to a couple having trouble getting pregnant is "well at least it's fun trying". No. It's not. Trust me and many others who have been through this.

 

Thanks for all the good wishes, and for all the replies in general. It's very interesting, I have to say, hearing both the similarities and the differences of others' experiences.

We've become increasingly open about the whole experience, the further along in the process we get. Mrs. Levite especially has become increasingly frank in her FB posts and to her congregants (she's a pulpit rabbi), in no small part because this peculiar quasi-stigma won't go away until people start talking about it both frankly and publicly. And BTW, Lish, I think you're right that while it's apparently a rather uncomfortable topic in general, in cultures like ours, it really appears to be fairly loaded...

I must say, though, frustrating as it's all often been, I really am looking forward to fatherhood!

 

Congratulations to the both of ... er ... to ALL of you

 

Yep, nothing takes the fun out of sex than your wife checking her temperature and other things like that.

I ended up telling her to jump me when necessary but don't mention that is day ?? of the cycle

 

Levite! L'chaim!

I can't say that I've been in many conversations with people about infertility but when I have been, it's usually the infertile folks that have been uncomfortable.

 

When our first was on his way, everybody would tell us "your life is going to change forever" with this tone that gave the impression of impending doom. No one once told me what I now tell every expecting parent: your life is about to get so much better and fuller that I can't begin to describe. You're currently growing an extra heart that will spend its life walking around outside your body. All blessings to you and your growing family!

I always thought that truly close friends should be able--indeed, encouraged--to discuss anything, no matter how uncomfortable. But, after everything, we are all of us human and fallible. Some conversations, we just don't know how to have. Congratulations on overcoming the challenges set before you!