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I can't believe I am thinking about

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by SirLance, Mar 13, 2012.

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  1. SirLance

    SirLance Death Therapist

    Location:
    Where you least expect me
    Having an extramarital affair.

    I never thought I would even explore this. I don't even understand what's driving it.

    Anybody out there ever done something like this? Thoughts? Advice?
     
    SirLance, Mar 13, 2012
    #1
  2. Mick

    Mick Vertical

    Location:
    Australia
    If you can't accept the worst case scenario consequences of doing it, then don't do it.

    I judge the not, however, if you do have an extramarital affair and it all goes south, just remember that you only have your self to blame.

    That's the bitch about the arrow of time, it does not allow you to undo what has been done.
     
    Mick, Mar 13, 2012
    #2
    • Like Like x 4
  3. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    Sure, I've thought about it...my body and mind has me think about a lot of things. (murder, divorce, etc... included)
    Especially if you've been in a rough patch in your relationship...or situation/logistics are interfering with your sex life.

    But I love my wife...I don't want to betray her trust. (I get jealous myself...so why would I want to do that to her?)
    Selfishly, I don't want the extra complications...one woman is enough...I don't want to even think about the potential of two or more.
    Even with a "no strings" situation, there are always strings and potential consequences.

    However, I don't judge...if it's for you, so be it. There have been many who've lived that scenario successfully.
    You might even be able to get her to agree to an outside thing...thus waylaying the whole betrayal scenario.
    It's just not for me. (besides, isn't that what the web is for?? I think I've worn down a few layers by now...)

    Do what you will. Life is complicated.
    It's just how complicated do you want it???

    /Golden Rule
     
    rogue49, Mar 13, 2012
    #3
  4. fflowley

    fflowley Don't just do something, stand there!

    Caution.
    I've seen flaming, bloody human emotional wreckage as a result of affairs and it ain't pretty.
    I think those involved paid a huge price for the brief pleasure of dippin' it in some strange.
    I'm certain that the 2 I know would take it back if they could, but they can't.
     
    fflowley, Mar 13, 2012
    #4
  5. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    Why do you want someone other than your wife?

    What will her reaction be when she finds out?

    Why not just fix what is wrong with your current relationship, or worst case end it first, before betraying someone you vowed to be faithful to?
     
    Borla, Mar 13, 2012
    #5
    • Like Like x 4
  6. SirLance

    SirLance Death Therapist

    Location:
    Where you least expect me
    All good questions,and I do not know the answer, but I believe that this is not about my current relationship. I don't understand what is happening to me. I always thought myself the most faithful, loyal person, and yet here I am having these thoughts. I doubt that I will act, but what the hell is going on with me? Why am I even considering what a short time ago would have been unconsiderable?

    I appreciate all the comments and advice, please keep it coming... it helps....
     
    SirLance, Mar 13, 2012
    #6
  7. Baraka_Guru

    Baraka_Guru Möderätor Staff Member

    Location:
    Toronto
    Be open to the fact that this could be an emotional/psychological problem, rather than a sexual or relationship problem.

    Has anything significantly changed for you personally over the past several months or maybe the past year or two?
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2012
    Baraka_Guru, Mar 13, 2012
    #7
    • Like Like x 2
  8. mixedmedia

    mixedmedia ...

    Location:
    Florida
    You are considering it because you are human and because sex is like a drug sometimes. It acts on the mind like a drug. It evokes fantasies and provokes cravings.

    When it comes to people and sexual cravings, where we 'separate the wheat from the chaff' so to speak is when it comes to indulging in selfish actions such as sexual abuse without consent in extreme cases and in a more moderate sense, committing adultery without the consent of a committed partner. Of course, there are different extremes of adultery, as well. For example, affairs that come about without warning or forethought and those that are searched for and deliberately instigated via dating sites and such.

    That said, again like drugs, once you have had serious thoughts about indulging in something like an affair, esp. if you are around the source of that impulse on a regular basis, it can be somewhat of a slippery slope. Move carefully.
     
    mixedmedia, Mar 13, 2012
    #8
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Cayvmann

    Cayvmann Very Tilted

    Location:
    Central North Carolina
    ^^^ Hit the nail on the head.

    We've all been there. Occasionally we get obsessed with something. Sometimes it is something we can indulge in that is good for us, but sometimes we want things that we know aren't good for us. Sometimes the taboo aspect of these things just makes it worse, because you know it's an itch you can't, or shouldn't, scratch. But damn does it itch.
     
    Cayvmann, Mar 13, 2012
    #9
  10. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    Well, that's classic Freud...psychology 101
    The Id, the Ego and the Super-Ego. (and their battle with each other)

    ---------------------

    And a bit of wiki, for time savings...
    The Id
    The id is the unorganized part of the personality structure which contains the basic drives. The id acts according to the "pleasure principle", seeking to avoid pain or displeasure aroused by increases in instinctual tension.

    The Ego
    The ego acts according to the reality principle; i.e. it seeks to please the id’s drive in realistic ways that will benefit in the long term rather than bringing grief.

    The Super-Ego
    This "special psychical agency which performs the task of seeing that narcissistic satisfaction from the ego ideal is ensured...what we call our 'conscience'".

    The super-ego works in contradiction to the id. The super-ego strives to act in a socially appropriate manner, whereas the id just wants instant self-gratification. The super-ego controls our sense of right and wrong and guilt. It helps us fit into society by getting us to act in socially acceptable ways.

    The super-ego's demands often oppose the id’s, so the ego sometimes has a hard time in reconciling the two.

    ----------------------

    So in a way, your "psychologist" would say, (and I'm in NO way one), just from you posting this thread,
    Your Super-Ego and Id are in conflict...Your body being the Id wanting something of desire...to sadate a craving.
    And your Super-Ego, saying Whoa there...what's up with this?
    And so...because of the conflict...and you trying to resolve it...you post this thread to get the input from other "Adults" to ask their view.

    Maybe you already have "checked" yourself...but you are resolving the conflict, the reasoning by getting validation from others.

    Who knows?
    But many would have just done it, and screw the thoughts or questiosns about it.
    But they may have Narcissistic tendencies...but that's a whole other psych class. ;)

    Ask yourself...why did you post the question?
     
    rogue49, Mar 13, 2012
    #10
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Baraka_Guru

    Baraka_Guru Möderätor Staff Member

    Location:
    Toronto
    Freud? Seriously?
     
    Baraka_Guru, Mar 13, 2012
    #11
    • Like Like x 1
  12. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    Sorry, it came to mind...but it did apply here. I know, very "old-school", it's feeding my need for applying patterns.
    Maybe it's an Oral fixation to a Phallic situation. (ooo...bad visual) :p
     
    rogue49, Mar 13, 2012
    #12
    • Like Like x 2
  13. SirLance

    SirLance Death Therapist

    Location:
    Where you least expect me
    The honest answer? I know this is wrong, and I believe this community can help me understand what is really behind this, and help me talk myself out of it.
     
    SirLance, Mar 13, 2012
    #13
  14. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member


    Can you give us more detail?

    Do you have a specific person in mind for this affair? What is your current relationship/interaction with them?

    How is your relationship with your wife? How is the physical part of your relationship? Do you think you are putting the effort into it you should?

    (As already asked) Any major changes for you lately in job, health, life situation, etc?
     
    Borla, Mar 13, 2012
    #14
  15. pig

    pig Slightly Tilted Donor

    SirLance,

    My honest advice? Take a second, give yourself a break, and just be ok with the fact that you've had this thought process / impulse / whatever. If I was splitting a Chai Latte with you after a yoga practice, I would say something along the lines of "simply be aware of the thought. Don't chase the thought or let it dominate your mind, and don't hide from it and thus give it the same power over your thoughts. Simply be aware of it." You'll have to unwrinkle exactly why you're having these ideas... Are you in mid-life/quarter-life/other-fraction-life crisis? Are you personally dissastistfied about something and are looking for release? Do you have legitimate problems in your relationship you're not dealing with? Etc. My experience is that such moments of crisis are rarely about the sexual aspect, and are usually more involved with something I'm personally going through, or something that has devolved or broken in my relationship. If you find you simply have a sexual craving, then you have to decide how to deal with it, but at least you're aware of what you're facing.
     
    pig, Mar 13, 2012
    #15
    • Like Like x 3
  16. SirLance

    SirLance Death Therapist

    Location:
    Where you least expect me
    No, no specific person in mind. My relationship with my wife is not great, my mother in law has moved in with us and it is creating friction. Also, my mom died recently.

    Am I putting the effort into it I should....no, in all honesty, i don't think I am.
     
    SirLance, Mar 13, 2012
    #16
  17. genuinemommy

    genuinemommy Moderator Staff Member

    I've thought about it. But it all comes back to the fact that I don't want to hurt my husband. I love him. He's a good guy. We've done a lot to build our life together, and I'm really not willing to throw it away.
     
    genuinemommy, Mar 13, 2012
    #17
    • Like Like x 2
  18. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    First, sorry for your loss. :(

    Second, and I'm sure you heard this coming when you typed your reply to me, put the effort FIRST into your current relationship. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Then, "date" your wife again. Remember back to the time you were dating and trying to impress her by treating her extra special? Channel that same emotion and effort. Tell her you want your relationship to be better, so you are making an effort, maybe she'll reciprocate.

    Also, I consider it a positive that you don't have someone picked out yet, or a budding relationship already in the works. Don't even start going there.
     
    Borla, Mar 13, 2012
    #18
    • Like Like x 1
  19. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    Also, I don't know the situation with your mother in law living with you,
    but that could put a crimp in your lifestyle and sexlife as much as needy kids.

    Even though the living situation may be a necessity, you've got to set some boundaries, terms and make sure you have space.
    Having your wife's mom hearing you do the wild thing could mess with anyone's head.

    You could bring your wife on a "date" to a separate location...enjoy your privacy and intimacy there.
    You could use a hotel with an "affair" with your own wife.
    Maybe that could get the fantasy out of your head, express your frustrations...but with the right person. (hell, even have her role play)
    That way, there's no consequences...but you BOTH have gotten to have your release.

    Maybe she's having the same frustrations. You have to put it out there.
     
    rogue49, Mar 13, 2012
    #19
    • Like Like x 2
  20. SuburbanZombie

    SuburbanZombie Housebroken

    Location:
    Northeast
    I've thought about it a lot lately as well. My situation is different from SirLance's but I think the underlying reason is similar. No sex at home. (based on your posts in another thread)
    Not getting any at home wears on you. Start second guessing and/or doubting yourself. Start wondering if someone else is the answer to the problems or maybe if you bang some other chick, your mojo will return.
    I don't have anyone in mind at the moment. I had the opportunity to recently while on vacation, but I didn't act on it. To be honest, it was simply because it would have been too difficult to conceal it at that time. If an opportunity arose locally, I can't say I wouldn't go for it.
     
    SuburbanZombie, Mar 13, 2012
    #20
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