I am an asshole, or maybe an idiot ...it's a toss up

How to explain it. It's so immature . I would also like to note...I am new to feelings and I don't really know how to deal with them. I was to call my man tonight, and he has not picked the phone up. I know in my logical brain that this is insane that I am upset he did not pick up his cell.
I just can't help being pissed. It's really more than this ...I am not used to caring what anyone does. I am in love and and it is bringing out such weird things in me. I know because I have called twice and he has not answered that it's not the end of the World. I am more upset about me! I have a hard time with being this in love. I have made a life out of only feeling half way about anyone , just enough that I was there, but not real love.
My point is I feel like I am about emotionally mature as a 22 year old. I just never went for it, and picked people I loved but could never hurt me. I am out of my league with this man and the feelings I have and I don't want to be an idiot with him. I am really upset because he told me to call him in 30 min and I did twice and he did not answer. I wish I could say he broke the law, or facilitated a hit and run. Its sooooooo stupid.
It is my issue. How in the hell do I grow up? I feel like emotionally I stopped at 13 when a guy broke my heart, and ever since I have had walls up. This man I love and can be hurt for the first time. How do you let go and give your heart to someone?

 

I'm sorry, but I must admit that I'm confused by your post. Aren't you the established, successful 37-year old Type A woman who was preparing to reach fulfillment by connecting with her master? Has something changed in your life? Is your man the same master you wrote about previously? Did you manage to lose 15 years?

No offense, but it would be much easier to have a good conversation with you if we could get rid of the subterfuge. But, it's your business, so good luck. I hope you find the answers that you're really looking for.

 

everything you said is correct.
I don't know how to describe my feelings. I always thought I knew everything, and had a theory on love and human nature. I have always been in control of everything in my life and man. I am just not now. I say things on this board that does not make sense, and the reason for it is because it does not make sense.
Everything you asked in your post is correct.
You know what I am really finding out about myself...and I think it's very sad. I can hide behind a keyboard and say this and be honest.
I have spent my life being in love half way. I have picked men who I know that could never hurt me, even though they did...but I am talking real hurt . I have picked people that I know who could not hurt me, and fell in love enough...not the kind of love that makes you lose your mind, and real love.
I picked people so I would never really be hurt. I never had that in love feeling that you give your heart to someone and hope they don't stomp on it.
I don't know why I thought this was ok. I don't know the issues in the past that made me this way. I just know in my soul I would never put my whole being out there, and give myself to anyone. If I want to rationalize it ...its because I can watch someone, and know what they are going to do before they do it, and I never felt I was with my equal. I can tell you that was by design.
Everything I have ever wanted in a man I have found, and I am scared. I will not change it, and I appreciate it.
I can tell you though honestly it scares the hell out of me.
It is strange at times, and I have feelings I have never felt. I don't even know what they are? It is strange to have reactions, and not even know what the feeling is but to feel emotional.
I am so smart with business and logic, and to be soooooo dumb with emotion is difficult, and I have purchased books so I can try and figure out what I am feeling.
I am being 100 percent honest because I can via the internet.