How Situations Devolve.

This is personal, but I'm making it public, as if allowed:

Two years ago Sunday, I was informed by someone that they were HIV-positive. I tried to come to grips with it alone, but found myself needing someone to talk to, so I told my mom. A little while later, I told my older sister. She said she had to tell everyone before we came to visit for Xmas. I asked her not to, but lo! she did. I feel myself estranged from my birth family for the sake of my offspring. How would you deal with this?

 

Sorry you had to experience this, however I think it is best to keep a tight grip on information that someone told you not to tell or to tell only those who you know will not spill it. Experience tells you who these people are and sadly, there are very few of them, it seems.

I know, from experience, that my own family is untrustworthy. This knowledge was a tough pill to swallow too, but also clarifying to know the reality about their inability to be trusted or remain candid. Estrangement is not such a bad thing, when your best interests or private requests are ignored. I feel it is good to see our family as they really are, instead of the Cleaver fantasy we may secretly wish for.

Consider it a learning experience and simply be there for your friend. Remember, he/she is the one with HIV. Put your own grief aside and be the strength he/she needs.

 

The situation sucks. Not being able to put your trust in those who claim to love you is totally shitty.

We have spent our entire lives carefully censoring the information we share with my sisters... at least, four of the six of them. As a group, they don't practice discretion or value accuracy. So, they tend to hear things third hand, or after we've shared with everyone else. Tension at family gatherings can run fairly high.

On QW's side, her parents are, frankly, selfish cretins. Her father has not been allowed in our lives since our kids were very young (they are adults now). We have tenuous contact with her mother. We strive to allow only positive, supportive people into our lives.

As painful as it might be, I would insist that anyone wishing to be a part of my life accept and embrace my troubles as well as my joys. I would share honest information with those willing to set aside their prejudices about HIV. I would educate where there was open minds, and dismiss the closed minds as unworthy of my attention, blood or no. It would be horribly difficult, or richly rewarding. It would be on my terms.

 

Perhaps, or even likely, she did it out of fear and concern for the well-being of others who will be there. Perhaps she saw it as a life-threatening risk. In spite of that being based mostly on ignorance, I would find that easier to accept and deal with compared to less honorable alternative motivations.

Did you talk to her about why she felt the need to do this?

 

She is ignorant. A blabbermouth. Experience is a hard way to learn who you can trust. I can understand your need for support, but dont think in future it would be the right place to go. Support should not involve judgement. Say a close friend had been raped or developed some form of lady cancer, you would expect your mum and sister to advise you in how to be supportive - not broadcast someone elses woes. Next time its too much and you need to confide and get advice, try a support line.
I have nothing to do with my birth family. Apart from my dad - now gone, and my older sister - who fled years ago - they are what we would call 'a bunch of cunts'. They deliberately spread falsehoods about people, and when my fathers younger daughter was engaging in paedophile type behaviour, they excused her and blamed her twelve year old, who was repeatedly told if she didnt dress up for movies they would lose their house and be in accomodation near poor people, and all her siblings would suffer, and it would be all her fault. Totaly fucked her in the head of course. It got a tad 'flowers in the attic' with half siblings having an attempted fuck floor show whilst being directed by the eldest daughter- woe betide anyone who gets involved with them. You dont get to choose family or neighbours, but you do get to choose your friends and can build your own extended family. Does your friend know they have been outed as a plague carrier? What did your mum think about your sisters actions? I am sorry I can think of nothing to say to ease your hurt - but you must have some interesting storys of your sister to share over dinner - surely. Boot and other foot.
I hope you can repair your friendship - but I doubt it will be easy.

 

If you have not told your friend that everyone at the table and uncle Tom Cobley and all know you should do, so that they can decide if they want to sit at the table with these people who know such an intimate secret and who seem a bit bring the flaming torches.

 

Is your older sister immature in other ways?

 

this^ unfortunately i think it's the only way you can learn who you can trust.

followed by this^
it might be bugging you, but think of what kind of shape your friend was in when they came to you and told you. i'm betting that they're going through a much tougher time and they're looking for support, not trying to spread panic and despair.

 

WOW, everybody! Thank you.

I should have shared here many months ago, but couldn't see any clear way. I haven't seen my Mom or sisters, nor been to my hometown since July '09. I finally tried to talk to my Mom about the 'situation' a couple weeks ago, but she's not ready yet. Happily, my nieces & nephews still chat with me, online. The younger generation seems much more accepting of our ongoing lives.
BadNick, I think when I first tried to talk to my sister, I called her reaction 'kneejerk & ignorant,' but you hit the nail on the head: She thought she was protecting her own family. I'm just very sorry I ended up outside of it with mine.

 

From what? Does she think it's airborne or something? There's really no justifying some levels of ignorance, at some point it's just willful. It's a shame that HIV is even considered a "situation" these days given the number of ways to get it.

 

You feel estranged from your birth family for the sake of your offspring? Is the person who is HIV-positive your child? Or am I misinterpreting here? I get the sense that it's not your child but your wording has thrown me off a bit.

In this day and age, I can't believe there are still people who are ignorant of the limited ways in which HIV and AIDs are contracted - who fear that they will somehow "catch it" merely by being in the presence of someone who has it.

I know you probably feel quite guilty telling anyone at all but I can guess you were probably expecting a much different reaction to the news and were totally unprepared for their attitude.

Personally, I think you'd be letting your sister and other family members who have ostracized you and your friend, off the hook by falling for the baseless notion that their attitude stems from the idea that their own families need protection. Not to say that isn't a common knee jerk reaction but....two years later? There's phobia, paranoia and prejudice at work here. If it were me, I'd avoid it and them like a plague.

You are the one who should be pissed off. Hopefully in time, they will come around and apologize. Until then, get on with your life and make the most of the relationship with your friend and with those family members who are still worthy of your love and trust.