How do you know for sure you love your partner?

I look online for articles and people's answers are b.s. when they say it's butterflies, can't stop thinking of them, and it hurts to be away with them. Doesn't that sound like infatuation?

I've been questioning whether or not I love this person that I've been with for a few months but have known him for about 9 months. We are quite comfortable with each other, we have a good time, I am very happy to see him and always smiling. He makes my life better and he's a great boyfriend but I wonder do I really love him? Sometimes I feel like I want to say it but a lot of times I question myself.

The main reason why I question myself is because I don't miss him or yearn for him. I guess maybe the reason COULD be because I can't miss someone that I see and talk to every day. I don't day dream about him anymore but I think of him often. He has never hurt my feelings at all and we've never been in a fight so I feel like maybe we haven't been tested.

When I thought he was going to break up with me because my ex called me late at night I was scared he was going to dump me and I didn't want to lose him or hurt him....although it'd be sad to lose him I know it won't devastate my world. Maybe because I was hurt and loved once and thought it was the end of the world but overcame that and now I know I can overcome anything and always find someone new.

If he had cancer, or if he was in a wheel chair I don't think I'd break up with him.

 

“If he had cancer, or if he was in a wheel chair I don't think I'd break up with him.”
God. That last sentence is startling. I’m glad I’m not on the receiving end of what you call love, because your uncertainty about trashing someone due to an unfortunate and unexpected handicap or cancer diagnosis makes you either, the Devil or Newt Gingrich.

If you don’t know the certain answer to this, you don’t love him.

 

I don't mean to be disrespectful but, before I think the question can be answered adequately, I have to ask. How old are you?

Edit - Disregard that, I checked your profile and it says that you are 27, so I guess that answers my question.

 

Only you know the answer to this question.
I wonder why you are asking yourself. It almost sounds as if you are bored.
Based on what you written I'd say no, you are not 'in love' with him, however in your own way, you may love him.

 

Ask yourself what you would sacrifice for your partner.

It isn't about "need". It isn't about loving how they make you feel.

It's about wanting the best for the other person and a willingness to place their wellbeing on a par with your own (or very close! ).

 

I've learned to separate the physical feeling of love from what love really is.

I love someone now and it may be the first time I have ever really felt love for someone. In the past, I have experienced the physical effects of hormonal and chemical attraction. When it died down, there was nothing else to hang on to.

This time around, I feel all the same physical feelings that I felt in the beginning of the relationship but to a somewhat lesser extent which is perfectly normal. But there's always been something more underlying it all.

I find that I care about him in an all encompassing way. I care about how he feels, what he's done during the day, what he thinks about anything and everything. I'm interested in his past and his goals and his kids and his parents. I'm concerned with being the best person I can be for him. I reveal my failings to him and my successes and he does likewise. I want to make him happy and am overjoyed to find out that it he has no problem doing that for himself, but he welcomes my attempts to try. I find we have so much in common yet we're different enough to entertain each other. We can argue and not feel we were destroying anything. In fact, every disagreement reveals more of us to each other and builds on the foundation. I feel connected to him spiritually, intellectually and physically. We've been together almost 4 years and I love him more now than in the beginning. Both of us have already made a number of sacrifices for love's sake and are willing to make them in the future. I know he'd get on fine without me as I would, but we make the choice to stay together because we love each other and it's just so grand.

 

I think if you have to ask yourself you probably don't.

 

+1 to this, in general.

However, there always comes a point in any relationship where you wonder if you are doing the right thing. It might be for a fleeting moment, it might be for longer. There is no formula. The only way I can answer is that when you know, you know.

 

Infatuation is a physiological response that you can read all about pretty much anywhere, even at cracked.com (surprisingly insightful when it wants to be)... Love on the other hand, mature and enduring love, is more of a way of life than just a feeling. Love is when you just automatically start thinking in terms of "we", when you want to be a better person for someone. When you love someone it's not about winning or losing, or who's right, because it's a basic given that you're both on the same side no matter what.

You don't love someone because they're funny, or smart, or for any one thing... you love them because they are who they are as a whole.

 

This is one of the toughest questions in life. EVERYONE has a different belief in what "love" is. It's like asking what is the definition of God. You ask 100 people, you'll get 100 different answers maybe closely resembling each other, but different nonetheless.

To me there is "love" of your family and perhaps eventually a spouse where you don't want to think of a life without them and you support them as best as you can. And there is "being in love" which is that first infatuation, "can't get enough" "have to be near you as much as possible" feeling. That's why there is so much sex urge in the beginning as a relationship grows (the 2 feel more secure with how the other feels), I think so does the meaning of the feeling. That's why relationships end ,IMHO, because one person likes the "high" of being "in love" and has a hard time crossing into the "love" portion, hence stalking, jealousy and so on.

 

My years of experience have taught me that, love is demonstrated by the people who stand by you when things are bad, not good. Since you've already stated that you "don't think" you’d leave him if he was stricken with physical challenges, suggests your uncertainty about that type of situation in general. By my definition, you don't love him because there are conditions to your love. When things are working in your favor, then it must be love! When things become inconvenient, and let's face it, in life and love they do; your interested would surely dissolve.

Real love is uncomfortable. But, the possibility still exists that you could arrive at a certainty with this partner, perhaps, not just now.

 

Wow you guys are taking my statement the wrong way when I said "I don't think I'd leave him". I only say that because I don't want things to be concrete in what they say and hate myself for doing something than what I said and be a hypocrite! You guys really think I'm that shallow to leave a relationship because my partner would be disabled? Come on now.

For those that said, "You wouldn't be asking this if you did love him." Please provide more explanation and elaborate or something.

I don't want to break up with my bf. But do you guys think it's unfair of me to be with him if I'm still not sure??

 

3 months is a pretty short relationship - it is not uncommon to be feeling doubts, but I don't think you need to rush off and get married or dump him just yet. If you aren't sure, that's ok. I also think it creeps up on a bit - one day you aren't sure, the next you are (one way or the other).

 

Time may change everything. If you have doubts now, that may change in time. So it in't unfair, for now. What would be unfair if he is falling in love with you and you have doubts and continue to promote his feelings.

 

@ Snow, yeah that's how I feel. Some days I feel like I do and some days I'm unsure that's why I haven't told him because I want to be very sure.

We all have our own definitions of love...honestly in a way that I know most people would disagree with..I feel like I love someone when I am comfortable with them, know everything about them (including flaws), and I feel intense feelings whether it's anger at him, when he makes me sad, or super happy (he never made me angry/sad really, nothin serious). Basically know all about them, through good and bad, but FEEL the infatuation sometimes. When I feel this way about him I feel like I love him but I don't always feel those intense feelings. But what I do notice is that the "actions" of love are there of what you do for someone but my intense feelings aren't always up to speed with it if that makes sense.

With my ex, I always felt intense feelings but I think it's because he was very unpredictable and we fought a lot. Maybe I am one of those stupid girls that like drama deep down inside ugh.

 

You've got 2 posts on this board. "Shallow" certainly seemed like a viable option to me based on your first post. Thanks for removing it from the table, though. TFP operates best with more information.

No, it's not unfair. It takes time to be sure. But when you are, you need to remove the bandaid sooner rather than later if your answer is "no, I don't love him". You owe him that much. That you're asking these questions is good, but it also tells me (and others) that you probably already know the answer and haven't gathered enough courage to admit it to yourself.
--- merged: Dec 19, 2011 5:35 PM ---

Wait, what? chelle, why are you switching back and forth between accounts? I assumed you wanted anonymity.

 

LoL oops, got caught red handed. I wanted a different account so I could post different things in different accounts without being judged. Dammit! hahahaha

 

That being the case, I'll ban your new account. If you're going to do that again, you need to discuss it with a staffer first so that you don't create problems down the road.