How do you deal with breaking up with someone you love?

I only occasionally come here but for some reason you guys have made an impression on me, and since I don't really want to talk to anyone in person right now, I hope you guys don't mind me being a total wreck and asking for a virtual shoulder to cry on.

We had been together for almost 4 years. She was only the second person I really feel in love with and even though things were far from perfect, I loved (love) her so much. Maybe I loved her too much. I can't even type properly because tears are just filling my vision right now.

We argued a lot. I've never seriously admitted that to anyone before because i've never wanted to think of us like that, but it's true. I've been hurting because of this relationship, for a number of reasons, for a long time now, but all the good times just seemed to make the bad times disappear from my memory. Whenever she would cuddle up with me, or kiss me, everything in the world was perfect again. I can totally understand how people claim that love is like a drug, she was definitely my drug.

But something happened this morning that I could no longer look away from, our argument went too far, and I somehow managed to come up with enough courage to not only tell her it's over, but to stand my ground when she came to me to try and get me to change my mind. It killed me not to roll over and let her just hold me when she laid down with me in bed. Absolutely killed me. But I knew that this had to happen sooner or later. We couldn't keep fooling ourselves forever. Even after we both realised (even though it honestly hasn't sunk in yet) that this was really over, the argument still continued on and off. She kept asking me what I was texting to my friend and lost it when I wouldn't tell her. She took all my clothes and threw them on the floor and called me a million shitty things. I went to take the dog out for a walk and she told me "it's not your dog anymore you're not taking her for a walk" which finally broke me down and I sat crying on the couch with the dog in my arms. Which she actually did apologize for after... the dog was originally her's, and I won't ever try to get "custody" of her, but she acknowledges that I am the one who has been taking care of this dog for the past two years, walking her and training her everyday.

I just feel like i'm losing everything. I'm losing the person I love. I am losing my future with her (we had talked about having a kid...). I am at least partially losing the dog I love. I probably won't be able to stay in this apartment - i've been here for 3 years which is the longest i've lived anywhere in 20 years (I feel like I finally had a home.). I don't have many friends, I have no family in town other than a cousin. And I know I am probably a horrible person for thinking about this, but we had a plan to get rid of my student debt together and maybe get a house in the next few years, my debt terrifies me, and as I work in a non-profit job that I love, I don't make a lot of money. But honestly, I would go a million dollars into debt just to have a good relationship with her because she means everything to me.

know this terrible feeling won't last forever. I've had my heart completely shattered once before, so I know it slowly gets better. But I still don't know how to deal with this right now. Once again. I told myself last time, even after the pain was gone, that I wouldn't be able to go through this again. I feel like i'm dying. I finally tried to eat something and now I feel like i'm going to throw it up. My head is pounding from crying so much and I want her to hold me so much it physically hurts. (She left the house and I have no idea where she is, not that I have a right to know). I don't know what to do with myself. I need some new ideas on how to cope.

 

Might sound counterproductive, but allow yourself to hurt. Lose your shit, break down on the floor in a fetal position, go for a long, aimless drive, talk somebody's ear off, scream at the top of your lungs. Allow the pain to leave your mind naturally, without forcing it to stop. Emotional band-aids don't really work that well. And while you're doing that, do what rogue said. Don't forget to take care of yourself.

 

It's not going to get better any time soon.
Just be thankful you only have a dog to be worried about and not kids.
At least this way your worlds won't have to collide, unless you have to divide up the friends.
It's always fun deciding who gets which friend.

Don't try to be friends with her.
It might work, but I promise there is a very small group of people who are able to pull that off for real.

Drink a lot, eat food that is bad for you, go to strip clubs and get lap dances from woman who look nothing at all like you ex, but don't go looking for another relationship.
You'll just screw it up.

 

Time heals, but it doesn't happen fast enough.
Godspeed.

 

It really is just one day at a time.

Like @LoganSnake said, allow yourself to hurt. Cry. Punch a pillow. Scream. Let it out.

Then, once you've emotionally exhausted yourself, take steps forward. Get up. Take a shower. Brush your teeth. Go to work. Make dinner. Go through the motions of a normal life, even if you feel anything but normal. It eventually comes back.

Take time to work on you. Everyone jokes about "hitting the gym" after a breakup, but it really is good advice. Makes you a healthier person, since we all gain the comfy relationship chub, and the endorphins can help pick you back up. You'll feel better.

And we're always here. Virtual shoulder to cry on, virtual ass to tell you to get it together.

 

When I was going through a very stressful time and saw a counselor for a while, these were some of the big things she taught me:

1. Stress produces cortisol in our bodies, which tends to make us gain body fat and feel nauseated and unable to sleep after it builds up to a certain degree. The only way to rid yourself of cortisol is by excreting it in water - this includes urine, sweat, and even tears. This is why it's important to eat and drink properly (stay hydrated!), exercise (sweat as much as you can), and cry it out sometimes when you need to.
2. Clearing your mind when it's a mess is a really difficult task. Visualization techniques and cognitive behavioral therapy were invaluable to me in order to clear my brain enough to fall asleep. Don't sleep enough? Cortisol builds up and starts the entire stress cycle all over again.
3. Closure is a storybook construct. Sometimes we feel we get it, sometimes we don't. People burn bridges, and sometimes it's really important to do that so you continue moving forward on your next path.
4. Make yourself some small goals before you make huge life changes. Do the laundry. Clean your home. Remove all physical reminders of your relationship and put them in a box to approach later, when you are detached from the fresh pain (don't throw them all out in a rage - you may regret throwing out good memories with the bad at a later time, so putting it on hold is advised). Make small changes in your schedule or routine to accommodate little goals or create more "me" time. Read a book. Use chunks of time that you two would have used for a routine activity to pursue a new hobby or spend it at the gym instead. These sorts of things will help you build new associations and help move on from the constant reminders of someone's absence.
5. Allow yourself to grieve the death of the relationship and the loss of that person. You will likely go through all the stages - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance - and likely cycle back through a few of them a handful of times. Realizing that your emotional response is normal, warranted, and will change is always helpful when you're going through such a major change and feel alone and like you might be going crazy.

I wish you the best!

 

Thanks guys.

This weekend was really rough. But when I got to work this morning I managed to snap out of it for a bit, and I love my co-workers, they set aside time to have a chat session with me and it felt good to get some things out. I want to write more but not right now, i'm so emotionally exhausted.