Figuring out to do with this relationship...?

I have dated my boyfriend for a year now. Our relationship has been nothing short of amazing. I believe he is the one for me after countless other relationships I’ve had before as he is nothing like anyone else I’ve ever met. He is handsome, he is caring, he is supportive, a great listener, sweet, has never been in trouble for any reason, a mama’s boy, generous, and what other women desire.
Throughout this year he has shown me love when I thought I was undeserving. He has taken me out to dinner and on adventures, spent substantial amounts of money on me. He’s spent even more time with me than he has money. He has cared for me even though I have self-esteem issues.
I am not skinny, I think I look like a rectangle, and if you outlined my body, I would in fact be a rectangle. I do think I have a pretty face and I’ve been told so many times by strangers. I have very nice hair and a good sense of style. I’m not huge but other people, not including my boyfriend, would say I am obese. My breasts are large but I have flat nipples and my butt is flat but my boyfriend says he likes it, and has shown me he does.
I have always tried to lose weight and gone on many diets. I lose and gain but it has occurred to me without lasting dedication and support I will not get to my goal.
In my insecurity I had asked my boyfriend if he looks at other women or talks to them and he tells me no. But because of my problem I became jealous and would start asking him more often. This insecurity started in our 8th month of dating as this relationship started becoming serious. At no time before this did I act this way. He promised I was his only love and that he was only attracted to me. I would sometimes wake up late at night call him and beg him to tell me the truth that he was probably looking at other women. He would assure me I wasn’t and would shout at me, asking when I would trust him already. And his anger and reassurance would calm my jealousy for a while until I was afraid again or saw someone better looking than myself, which was often. Other times he looked me in the eyes and held my face, he told me he loved me and only me. He told me he wasn’t looking at anyone else and wiped my tears away and kissed my face.

2 days before our 1 year anniversary our beautiful bubble of a great relationship popped. At his house while he was working he had me go on his computer to play a game. When I opened the computer I saw a brownie he was looking at on imgur, I told him what I was looking at while “facetimeing” and I was laughing. He told me to close out of there, and I was still laughing looking at it. He told me again to close out of there, more forcefully this time. And I asked why, are you hiding something? He said no and nothing else. I hit the back button and clicked on his favorites on the page. What I found was countless photos of nude women or scantily dressed women. I was horrified and asked him what this was, he kept telling me he didn’t know, he didn’t remember, he would understand if I wanted to break up he repeated.
And so I found out about him lying to me all this time. He said he was ashamed but while looking through all these photos it became apparent to me that he was looking at these photos before and after we talked to each other, and sometimes even while we might be talking. It was happening under my nose this entire time, the entire year of dating, not just when I was asking about it.
He was watching youtube videos and lying about those things too, and looking at things on Instagram he shouldn’t have. All these things he looked at were also of skinny women. I found not one single overweight or slightly chubby person. Perfect breasts and skinny waists, huge asses and pink vaginas that look nothing like my own. My self-worth completely dropped and I was devastated.
I thought this man was my soul mate and the perfect match for me. I assumed he would be the person to father my children and teach my children how to treat others as he treated me, but now I am not so sure.

He says he will change, he says he will improve. I know our past relationship is gone, my respect for him is gone, and ultimately my trust for him is forever gone or I will forever question him. And yet I want to believe that there is a future and I want to trust him again. He wants a future with me and I believe that all this time he has spent with me has not been wasted or false love. He does love me but he has also lied to me for an entire year and essentially cheated on me.
What is the next step for me to start regaining my self-worth when he destroyed my trust and self-esteem by lying?

 

Masturbation is not cheating. Masturbation is a natural urge that happens (at least for the bulk of men I know) daily. And they look at porn while they do it. Or read erotica. Hell, I look at porn when I masturbate.

If you force him to stop looking at porn and/or force him to stop masturbating, you're going to ruin your relationship in the long-term and give him a massive complex that will impact all of his future relationships. You will be doing significant damaged to the one person you theoretically love above all others.

The porn industry is built on ideals. Just as the fashion industry is. Just as Hollywood is. Are you telling me that you don't find men like Fassbender, Bale, Urban, whoever that guy was that played Starlord in that Galaxy whatever movie? Is you boyfriend upset with you when you read romance novels with hot men in them (which, by the way, are all romance novels)? Does he accuse you of not desiring him if you're watching Twilight, that he's not romantic or hot enough for you?

This is real life. You can't put the love of your life in a cage because you have issues with yourself. It is your job to fix your issues. Yes, he can help. But calling him in the middle of the night accusing him of not desiring you is a sign of an incredibly emotionally unhealthy state. You need to sit down with a therapist. You need to Google body positivity. You need to respect and believe your partner or stop dating them because why the hell would you want to be with someone who you think lies to you and doesn't respect you?

How old are you two? Because if you're like 16 to maybe 20, this is... acceptableish for that age. But if you're 21+, you need to get your shit together stat.

 

I should have included that he was not masturbating, it was not porn, he was viewing these things at work. He was viewing them while talking to me, before, and after.
And I don't believe that looking at images at this frequency (an entire year)while lying to your partner is acceptable ever.
I did not look at other men in a desirable way because I was very happy and thankful for what I had, Do not jump to conclusions about who I am and what I enjoy.
However in responding to you I understand that I should not be with someone who doesn't respect me, you are right in that aspect. But that doesn't help me move on with who I am. Reading self help pages does nothing more than list a few ideas of what I "should" be thinking about myself

 

Poetry actually has some very good points. And I don't think that she was being disrespectful, just honest. She is actually someone I would seek out advice from on a number of areas,this being one of them.

It seems as if you are feeling very raw about this and I'm not sure how you will take any responses, but here is my take.... Looking is very normal. It's human. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you don't look. Male brains in particular tend to be very visual... They often seek out visual material in all areas. Women and their female brains tend to be more emotional and seek out information.
If he thought this might be your reaction, I wouldn't be surprised if he hid his viewing from you. He probably feels ashamed. And I'm not sure he should. He was just looking. It doesn't sound like he was looking at children or animals in a sexual manner, or cheating on you, or whatnot. So, honestly, I don't think he has anything to feel guilty about. Lying to you as in "I'm looking at naked pictures which you find distasteful and don't approve of, so I'm going to spare your feelings"?
If you didn't look at other men, in person or in pictures, that's you. I love my husband, I desire him sexually, and I've actually never been with anyone else. But I have viewed images, I have watched porn, etc. And he's done it with me. Just because you're happy it doesn't kill human curiosity or interest in something that isn't in front of you.
Clearly, you are hurt. But, you say this wasn't porn or anything. What he chooses to look at and stimulate his visual cortex is different from what he chooses to be with and have in his life. He is choosing you. Not a "skinny" girl, to use your word. My husband's physical ideal is NOT my build. We've had this discussion for years. But he chooses me time and time again. He may look at 6' tall, 140 pound red heads, but (now) I'm a 5'6", 136 pound brunette. He comes to me every day. He chooses me. It took me a long time to deal with my view of my body and my own attractiveness to become comfortable with who I am. And it's a *daily* struggle. But, I never found myself questioning our relationship because of what he chooses to look at at any time.
I would second Poetry's suggestion about finding someone to talk to, so that you can help yourself to get to the bottom of what's bothering you. This really sounds like it boils down to an internal issue, a perception of his behavior. I hope you can find what you're looking for.

 

ok, let me start by saying im overweight myself (im a fat bastard). i understand the struggles that you go through with your weight. i have a real hard time with it like you do. my wife is not fat but slightly overweight, and i make sure that i reassure her of my love for her and how sexy i think she is. norally she just looks at me like im an idiot. but thats her and i understand that. after 16 years of marraige we have let our bodies go. but i come home to her everyday and i love her.

next, let me say this from a mans perspective. We look at porn, we look at other women, its in our dna. i do it, and pretty much every other man i know does it as well. im sure he dosent want your mind to wonder thats why he tells you he dosent. but im sure he loves you like he says. i watch and look at porn, i do it every day. now lying is bad, i know this but he proablly did it so he didnt hurt you. when i watch porn normally i try to include my wife so that way im not doing it behiond her back. now shes not always there if you know what i mean. personally my opinion is that all this will do is cause him to hide it more from you and be more careful in his endevours, and when you find it the next time it will make things worse. Trust me, remember we are men and we look at shiney things. you ahve to remember that some women wear provoctice clothing in the real world to get men to look and gawk at them. you cant fix that.

next i think taht you need to understand that men are men and women are women and this shit happens everyday to people. maybe you need a self help book or something like that, talk to your friends and get their opinion, but remember the friend that says "That rat bastard, how could he" has proablly been there also, take everyones opinion with a grain of salt. talk to him without getting defensive and see what he has to say. im sure itll be along the lines of " im an man and im sorry, but i do love you and only you.

good luck

 

I hesitated to respond because I know my story isn't the norm.
Jadzia and I met on the net, on this board in fact.
She was a voluptuous woman but had no problem with me looking at porn.
In fact we did it together.
The night before I proposed we spent most of the evening picking out pictures of naked men for a project she was working on.
My tastes are broad when it comes to woman, including ladies her size but she never took that personally.
I understand there aren't many woman out there like her so I wasn't sure if I should respond but do understand that it is possible to be open on this subject.
You can love someone and accept that they like to look at (and get off to) people who are different from you.
It can even be a shared experience.
Don't let it get in the way of what could be a wonderful relationship.

 

Initial thought:

Guy isn't a liar so much as he is a coddler.

"Tell me you're not looking at other women."

"Baby, I'll stop looking when I'm dead," is the correct answer.

...

As far as the porn thing, I've been through that all that needy girl pop psychology bullshit.

Woman violates your privacy, finds porn on your device, is super insecure, makes you feel bad about it.

You promise some bullshit about feelings, change, etc. but you just want her to realize you're getting off to get off.

Given that I now dispense zero fucks about this issue, my porn is in a desktop folder called "PORN."

Ain't much in there I haven't done before and wouldn't do again given the chance.

If she gets insecure, there's a squat rack over there with her name on it.

...

Only time porn is a problem is if the guy stops having sex with his S/O or it impacts his job. It's like any other vice hobby... booze, gambling, etc.

 

If you honestly believe this, break up with him. Now. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. If that's how you feel, and you try to stay together, you're not only putting him through a lot of unnecessary hell, but yourself as well...and you'll just end up breaking up on down the line, anyway.




Everything else I wanted to say has pretty much been said already. For what it's worth, I've never been the "fantasy ideal" in any of my relationships, ever. It was only a problem with the one dude who was actually cheating on me (as in, to be blunt, sticking his dick into other women without my knowledge.) With the rest, it was cool, because a) they didn't cheat on me, and b) they still enjoyed me regardless of who they enjoyed looking at. Sure, I had moments where I wished I was taller and thinner and prettier. Still do. Turns out I can actually change one of those things. And I am. Not because my boyfriend will think I'm hotter or so I'll look awesome in a bikini (I mean, those are bonuses, yes), but because I got tired of hating my body and decided to do something about it. And because it isn't anyone else's fault if I have self-esteem issues.

 

I honestly don't get why this is upsetting. I'm sleeping with a guy right now who is waaaaaaay better looking than I am, who is hung like a horse, is amazing in bed, and has a history of banging models and budding actresses. And he's still friends with them. And still banging some of them. I'll look over his shoulder when he's on his FB or IG (he doesn't care), see these gorgeous girls he's friends with and, yeah, I'll say "Christ. Why the fuck are you sleeping with me when you could or did hit that?" And he'll say some variation, "Because you're smarter and better in bed than all of these girls. And I think you're hot-- I'm into more than one type of girl."

Your boyfriend is choosing to be with you. All of you.

Also, whatever he says, he was and still is masturbating to these photos. Maybe he's not looking at them when he masturbates, but he's putting it in the "spank bank" to jerk to later. If he's not, whoa, damage.

Sure, lying isn't generally what you would find in a healthy relationship.

But you also wouldn't find a relationship surrounded by fear and shame because you are insecure healthy either.

As for what is "acceptable"... can you please explain to me how looking at pictures is "unacceptable"? If he looks once a month, is that acceptable? Or is that too much? Once every three months, is that okay? Where is the line? Because if I was with a guy who told me I couldn't look at porn more than once a month because it was "unacceptable," I'd ditch him on the spot and make a Facebook post about how one's own insecurity should not impact a partner or friend's actions.

Okay. You're far different than I, or most of the women I know. I accept that.

Self-help isn't going to help you. Therapy will help you. Not dating a guy who is clearly so damaged himself that he'll let you shame him, emotionally debase him, and control what he looks at will help you. Nothing he can ever say or do will ever make you feel good about yourself. He can't heal you, only YOU can heal you.

Honestly, if I were you, I wouldn't even consider dating anyone until I got my head on straight. All you'll do is have failed relationship after failed relationship, all collapsing, in part, by your insecurity.

Also, as a side note, whatever you think now-- even if you got super thin (through whatever means) and looked like the girls in the photos he was looking at, you still wouldn't be okay with your body. You'd still find flaws, you'd still doubt, you'd still call your partner in the middle of the night asking for reassurance that you won't believe anyway. Your body isn't the problem, how you view it is.

 

It's all been said so well above.
I can only add one thing: Shut off your phone at some decent hour like 9 pm and don't turn it on til the next morning.
If you're feeling needy in the middle of the night you would be better off looking at some porn and masturbating yourself to sleep than calling him with a bunch of needy crap.

 

I've gotta say it's lucky that you found this now. Lucky for him. Now he knows to get away and find a girl who isn't going to try to put ridiculous restrictions on his life. You have a lot of learning to do, and I'm sorry you can't appreciate that he is not some fantasy perfect boyfriend, but a real person. I think it's funny that you list scantily clad, like he's looking at playboy. My tastes are a lot more wide ranging than that. And my gf and I have shared porn together.

 

no such thing

 

What I could say has already been said.

A honest summary from a guy who has been married for 28 years:

You're making a big deal out of what is pretty normal for many, many couples. If IRL you are his one & only, his other "activities" are no big deal. Did he lie about them? Apparently yes, but considering your reactions, which he most likely foresaw, that's no surprise.

Talk to him. Explain your thoughts. Listen to his thoughts. Lighten up a bit on your expectations.

 

Well, TFP is typically more Drill Sergeant than Dr. Phil. Better than Reddit, sure, but still.

It is all for the best, of course.

 

for the win...

 

I'm sure if I posted a rant talking about how her boyfriend is WRONG and a disgusting CIS pig, she would be back to agree with me.

I said this years ago, people don't come here for advice, they come here to be told whatever hair-brained idea is totally correct. We don't do that (usually), so she is off to yahoo answers to get the answer she wanted. Most of the regulars here that will take time out of their day to help someone out, are not going to give them a limp-wrist-ed handjob while telling them "EVERYONE LOVES YOU".

Sometimes threads like this last longer when a non-regular pops in to agree with them.

This thread was over when Poetry laid the hard truth on her. She didn't care about this site after that.

 

I dunno, I won't say she's wrong for having the feelings, and as ideal as it may be, I don't have the perfect sharing relationship that some of you share. My wife has issues with self-esteem, so I don't make it obvious when I watch porn, and I put my files in places on my computer where she won't randomly stumble upon them. I know that seeing those sorts of things might make her feel self-conscious and bad about herself.

On the other hand, my wife isn't dumb and is aware that I do in fact watch and look at porn. She practices a kind of willful ignorance so that she doesn't have to think about it. It might not be ideal, but it works. The key difference is that she would never go looking for it, and if she happened across it, wouldn't make a big deal of it. We respect each other's privacy. If the OP should happen to swing by again, my advice is just to let him have his private fantasies unless it affects your relationship somehow. You said you were happy before. Nothing has to change unless you change it.

I will, however, comment that your views on what should be expected of a relationship seem to be unrealistic. I would be indignant if my wife told me there were things that I "shouldn't be looking at." I'm an adult, and will watch in privacy whatever I feel like looking at. If your respect for him and trust for him are gone, then you didn't have realistic expectations from the start. You're putting him in a position to not be trusted because you fault him for doing what's natural. I don't make my porn habits apparent because it would make my wife feel bad, and I respect that. But she wouldn't tell me it's wrong.

 

Just move on, and then try to get your self esteem issues handled. You will NEVER be happy with anyone, until you are happy with yourself, which honestly may be never.

I told my wife that I'm going to look. I expect her to look. I'm not an ideal, and none of us below the levels of the demi-gods in the porn and movie industry are either. He only told you what you wanted to hear. I'm sure the hours of crying he would have to put up with to make you feel 'better' wasn't worth the truth.

You are feeling imperfect, but you expect perfection from somebody else. That is selfish and will always lead to disappointment.