Families and the Holidays

Here's the situation...
Every year since as early as I can remember my family has gotten together at a State Park
outside Mosquito Central, Florida for Thanksgiving dinner with 60+ of our nearest and dearest.
After I moved out of the house, it became one of two times a year I'd see the fam.
In the past two years, it's been the only time, since Christmas in January didn't fly.
We did try it a few times, but five work schedules were hard to align.
Most of the times, we've stayed at my parents' house on an air mattress.
The one year we didn't, it was kinda stressful and we felt left out of a lot of the evening activities...
board games, drinkage, down time, etc.

So last year, my sister and two couples she is friends with rented a house around the corner
from my parents' place because they were down for her 30th bday and the baby shower.
This year she emails me and asks if we are interested in renting the same placewith her,
her husband and their kid. I told her finances were stressed and I'd have to talk with uncharted,
and asked how much it would be.
Her response was: Not sure. I was going to wait a bit longer and ask for a deal if she still
hadn't rented it out. Just let me know if you want to and how much you would want to spend
and then I'll know how much to offer her.
Um... what? Uncharted and I had exactly the same reaction... My sister is a notorious
cheapskate... granted, she's gotten them out of some of their debt, and we used to be
the ones that made money. But I'm not working now and there's no way in hell we're
going to offer to pay $200 if the rent is $300, you know?
We declined the offer and I got the response that they'd just stay with Mom and Dad, then.
Which has been our plan all along and the parental units were understanding that we don't
have any extra cash this year. Today, I got an email from my mother... asking if we'd
be offended if they put us in a "nicer hotel" since the house is going to be really crowded
and my nephew apparently doesn't go back to sleep if you move him after he crashes out.

Here's the dilemma after the tl;dr... I feel that we're being manipulated. Uncharted agrees.
Why should we have to be the ones that get separated from the family just because we did it
once in the past... in fact, it sucked. If we're willing to deal with the cramped space (even
offered to bring the twin mattress and have one of us on the couch, one on the twin instead
of the giant queen mattress AND for us to shower together to alleviate the "too many people,
not enough bathrooms" issue), why is it such an issue? My dad's out of work, possibly
permanently after a nastly shoulder surgery, mom's working her ass off and they have
"some money" left over from selling the 20 year old Suburban. They need that money and
I'm pissed off. Do I have a right to be? Are we justified in being offended and refusing a
hotel room? Opinions?

 

Not knowing the dynamics of your family: it does sound like you're being manipulated. If everyone is as cash strapped as it appears they are, why offer to spend money that no one clearly has? I too would be offended if my family attempted to basically punish me by putting me up in a hotel.

Now the tough part: Do you really want to deal with the guilt and other bullshit that inevitably comes with pushing an issue such as this?

 

Just tell her you would rather stay in the cramped house, because you miss it. It's possible she got the impression that you didn't, when you stayed elsewhere once. She can offer the room to someone else, if she feels the need.

( I wish I liked my family this much )

 

I don't feel guilty in regards to my family and their manipulation any more. Call it compassion fatigue, but I've always been the peacemaker and I stopped a lot of that a few years ago. I don't have the energy for it. I got another email overnight that I could literally hear my mother sighing while writing... "I guess we'll be packed in like sardines at night... but we're all friends, right?" I'm not falling for it.

 

all I have to say is you're a far better person than I am noods. There's no way I could cramp up with my family like that and not end up with a capital murder charge or some shit.

As far as the manipulation goes, I tend to agree, and it's someone that's pressing your mom to be the front man on this. It sounds like someone (your sister) is guilt-trippin' your mom about something (nephew) and for some reason you're getting the short straw.

How far away is mom? Would it be possible to meet her for a short brunch or something? If you could manage that, you could tell her how you miss being a part of the family and the subsequent activities during the holidays and you can ask why you were chosen to be separated. The worst that could happen is that you just go to the hotel (or skip the holidays completely) which is already being proposed anyway.

This is one of those delicate situations, but I think a face to face meeting and a few blunt questions would solve it rather quickly. Best of luck

 

Set up a tent in the backyard.

 

That's my next offer, King, lol.
G-luv, they're about 4.5 hours away. My sister and I have a long history of friction. For that matter, the whole family tiptoes around my sister. Things have gotten worse over the past few years since I quit putting up with so much shit. My mother actually left my sister's home a few days early when she was there to help with my nephew (he was about 7 mos old) because she "made her mad". My sister live 8+ hours from the parents. We'll be nice, but I'm not giving into this stuff. My mother encourages the catering to my sister, so I don't think that I'd get too far trying to talk to her about it.

 

Damn. It's bullshit when the one causing problems is the one who is catered to. I'm sure now that your mom is only doing the asking because she doesn't want to have your sis fly into freak-out mode. That sucks, but you're doing the right thing by not giving in to that petty shit.

 

The funniest part sometimes is the looks of puzzlement and incredulity on Uncharted's face as he tries to process wtf is going on. One year there were multiple mini-bottles of Grey Goose that came to Thanksgiving dinner, ninja-style. My parents thought I was an alcoholic for awhile... This crap drives me to drink.

 

Might be kinda cold. We have wanted to go camping though
--- merged: Oct 19, 2011 2:07 PM ---

Best idea. Must do again.

 

It was never a question... Just gotta keep an eye out for the State Park Rangers and alligators. We don't need to get arrested or eaten.

 

My family does this with my uncle. He's in his 60s and has never been married. He has extreme OCD. And he's a child psychologist. So not all cylinders are firing.

He's allowed to dictate pretty much every aspect of family get togethers. He gives everyone a job or dish to bring. He insists on getting credit for everything and will go out of his way to make sure everyone gives him credit. My grandparents pretty much roll over for him. They let him stay with them for weeks on end. He's always the center of attention and if he's not... He whines, pouts, and ruins the party.

A couple days before I moved to Florida I met up with him at my grandparents house to say goodbye. A day that was supposed to be about me. He would not let that happen. He ignored me for the first hour I was there so I talked to my grandmother. When he decided that he wanted to talk to me he asked me all the same questions my grandmother had. Mind you, he was sitting at the table listening to my grandmother and I talking. So I had to re-explain everything to him so he could be in charge of the conversation. Which basically meant he was trying to talk me out of moving. Saying HE didn't think it was right for me. I really wanted to punch him in his old man face. When I was walking out the door he handed me an envelope and said, "Now say thank you." He gave me $100. I said thank you, gave him a hug and walked away biting my lip. About a week later I got a phone call from my mother saying that he had accosted her for not raising me right because I hadn't sent him a thank you note.

I'll never speak to him again.

 

Take the year off. Call on the holiday, but stay home in your jammies watching movies, doing jigsaw puzzles, playing board games, walking in parks, and drinking the occasional box of wine.

 

That's totally how we do Christmas, by the way

 

I'd go to make sure the sister understood she didn't get her way on everything. I wouldn't placate her for shit.

 

Same shit with my family. I love going back to visit; but I never ever go at holidays and rarely give them warning any more.

I blame internet fares; but the reality is that I prefer to spend my time with them in small doses. I love them dearly; but only a few at a time and only for a couple of days.

 

I love my family from afar. About as afar as I can get.

 

Well, some stuff has popped up today and we may be skipping Thanksgiving with the family this year.

A little background- my father, brother and I do NOT get along. While we can be around each other for family functions, there is always this tension that surrounds the table and it's highly annoying as people walk on eggshells around them. I ignore the eggshells and say what I say. I'm a grown man, I still respect my father and his beliefs, but I'm not going to walk on eggshells for the sake of placating him and my brother.

Last year we had arranged for everyone to come to our house for a massive Xmas dinner as we have the largest house and I wouldn't have to leave my dogs in the house all day without relief. My wife and I go a bit overboard on Xmas as far as decorations and such so we felt the venue would be great. My side of the family agreed to come over and we started preparations. 3 days before Xmas, they bailed out claiming some excuse or another. So instead of going off on them, I decided to step up and just go over to our usual spot and have our holiday dinner.

Fast forward to today. It's been announced that Thanksgiving will be held at a cousins house (which is a lot smaller) so everyone can be together all at once. My wife is livid as we are always the ones who have to accommodate everyone else. We are the only ones with pets and children, yet when we offer a solution we get bailed on and the next holiday is pushed to a new venue in a much smaller place and we are looked at like we're crazy for not just accepting it.

So, what should we do? Should I just suck it up and go over there or should I put two fingers up and enjoy Thanksgiving with my wife and kids and have our own time?

 

Thanks for posting this, man. I do, in some respects feel like the family members that have reasons for specific situations (e.g. Pets and children) should definitely have at the very least some input into holiday arrangements. I don't think that they should be catered to if things are unreasonable.
But in your situation, G-luv, it sounds like the needs of your family really weren't taken into account and kinda blatantly ignored. I'd be livid, too. If it were me, I'd just send a little note or leave a message stating that the plans don't fit the needs of my family, therefore, we will not be attending, Happy Holidays to all! Lol