Fall in Love with Anyone - Scientifically

PonyPotato · Jan 15, 2015

I actually really want to try this, even if just for the experiment.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&_r=0

More than 20 years ago, the psychologist Arthur Aron succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory. Last summer, I applied his technique in my own life, which is how I found myself standing on a bridge at midnight, staring into a man’s eyes for exactly four minutes.
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Let me explain. Earlier in the evening, that man had said: “I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with anyone. If so, how do you choose someone?”
He was a university acquaintance I occasionally ran into at the climbing gym and had thought, “What if?” I had gotten a glimpse into his days on Instagram. But this was the first time we had hung out one-on-one.
“Actually, psychologists have tried making people fall in love,” I said, remembering Dr. Aron’s study. “It’s fascinating. I’ve always wanted to try it.”
I first read about the study when I was in the midst of a breakup. Each time I thought of leaving, my heart overruled my brain. I felt stuck. So, like a good academic, I turned to science, hoping there was a way to love smarter.
I explained the study to my university acquaintance. A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The most tantalizing detail: Six months later, two participants were married. They invited the entire lab to the ceremony.
“Let’s try it,” he said.
Let me acknowledge the ways our experiment already fails to line up with the study. First, we were in a bar, not a lab. Second, we weren’t strangers. Not only that, but I see now that one neither suggests nor agrees to try an experiment designed to create romantic love if one isn’t open to this happening.
I Googled Dr. Aron’s questions; there are 36. We spent the next two hours passing my iPhone across the table, alternately posing each question.
They began innocuously: “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” And “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?”
But they quickly became probing.
In response to the prompt, “Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common,” he looked at me and said, “I think we’re both interested in each other.”

I grinned and gulped my beer as he listed two more commonalities I then promptly forgot. We exchanged stories about the last time we each cried, and confessed the one thing we’d like to ask a fortuneteller. We explained our relationships with our mothers.
The questions reminded me of the infamous boiling frog experiment in which the frog doesn’t feel the water getting hotter until it’s too late. With us, because the level of vulnerability increased gradually, I didn’t notice we had entered intimate territory until we were already there, a process that can typically take weeks or months.
I liked learning about myself through my answers, but I liked learning things about him even more. The bar, which was empty when we arrived, had filled up by the time we paused for a bathroom break.

I sat alone at our table, aware of my surroundings for the first time in an hour, and wondered if anyone had been listening to our conversation. If they had, I hadn’t noticed. And I didn’t notice as the crowd thinned and the night got late.
We all have a narrative of ourselves that we offer up to strangers and acquaintances, but Dr. Aron’s questions make it impossible to rely on that narrative. Ours was the kind of accelerated intimacy I remembered from summer camp, staying up all night with a new friend, exchanging the details of our short lives. At 13, away from home for the first time, it felt natural to get to know someone quickly. But rarely does adult life present us with such circumstances.
The moments I found most uncomfortable were not when I had to make confessions about myself, but had to venture opinions about my partner. For example: “Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner, a total of five items” (Question 22), and “Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things you might not say to someone you’ve just met” (Question 28).

Much of Dr. Aron’s research focuses on creating interpersonal closeness. In particular, several studies investigate the ways we incorporate others into our sense of self. It’s easy to see how the questions encourage what they call “self-expansion.” Saying things like, “I like your voice, your taste in beer, the way all your friends seem to admire you,” makes certain positive qualities belonging to one person explicitly valuable to the other.
It’s astounding, really, to hear what someone admires in you. I don’t know why we don’t go around thoughtfully complimenting one another all the time.
We finished at midnight, taking far longer than the 90 minutes for the original study. Looking around the bar, I felt as if I had just woken up. “That wasn’t so bad,” I said. “Definitely less uncomfortable than the staring into each other’s eyes part would be.”
He hesitated and asked. “Do you think we should do that, too?”
“Here?” I looked around the bar. It seemed too weird, too public.
“We could stand on the bridge,” he said, turning toward the window.
The night was warm and I was wide-awake. We walked to the highest point, then turned to face each other. I fumbled with my phone as I set the timer.
“O.K.,” I said, inhaling sharply.
“O.K.,” he said, smiling.
I’ve skied steep slopes and hung from a rock face by a short length of rope, but staring into someone’s eyes for four silent minutes was one of the more thrilling and terrifying experiences of my life. I spent the first couple of minutes just trying to breathe properly. There was a lot of nervous smiling until, eventually, we settled in.
I know the eyes are the windows to the soul or whatever, but the real crux of the moment was not just that I was really seeing someone, but that I was seeing someone really seeing me. Once I embraced the terror of this realization and gave it time to subside, I arrived somewhere unexpected.

I felt brave, and in a state of wonder. Part of that wonder was at my own vulnerability and part was the weird kind of wonder you get from saying a word over and over until it loses its meaning and becomes what it actually is: an assemblage of sounds.
So it was with the eye, which is not a window to anything but a rather clump of very useful cells. The sentiment associated with the eye fell away and I was struck by its astounding biological reality: the spherical nature of the eyeball, the visible musculature of the iris and the smooth wet glass of the cornea. It was strange and exquisite.
When the timer buzzed, I was surprised — and a little relieved. But I also felt a sense of loss. Already I was beginning to see our evening through the surreal and unreliable lens of retrospect.
Most of us think about love as something that happens to us. We fall. We get crushed.
But what I like about this study is how it assumes that love is an action. It assumes that what matters to my partner matters to me because we have at least three things in common, because we have close relationships with our mothers, and because he let me look at him.
I wondered what would come of our interaction. If nothing else, I thought it would make a good story. But I see now that the story isn’t about us; it’s about what it means to bother to know someone, which is really a story about what it means to be known.
It’s true you can’t choose who loves you, although I’ve spent years hoping otherwise, and you can’t create romantic feelings based on convenience alone. Science tells us biology matters; our pheromones and hormones do a lot of work behind the scenes.
But despite all this, I’ve begun to think love is a more pliable thing than we make it out to be. Arthur Aron’s study taught me that it’s possible — simple, even — to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive.
You’re probably wondering if he and I fell in love. Well, we did. Although it’s hard to credit the study entirely (it may have happened anyway), the study did give us a way into a relationship that feels deliberate. We spent weeks in the intimate space we created that night, waiting to see what it could become.
Love didn’t happen to us. We’re in love because we each made the choice to be.
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The questions:
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

If you read the questions, do any strike you as particularly apt to form a link between strangers?
How do you feel about this experiment?
Would you try it? If so, who with? Could you try it with a true stranger?

p.s. credit to @DamnitAll who posted this elsewhere and put the bug in my head.

snowy · Jan 13, 2015

I think all of these questions are valuable icebreakers. I can see the benefit to using them in the classroom, even, to get kids comfortable with one another. I like how they gradually go deeper, and I also like how they strike at our value systems. I doubt strangers with dissimilar value systems would find much merit out of such an exercise, but who knows? Empathy is powerful. and some of these questions seem designed to elicit an empathetic or sympathetic response from the listener, which is a bonding experience regardless of intention.

genuinemommy · Jan 13, 2015

I think this is a phenomenal experiment and I want to go through these questions with my husband again one of these days. Seems like the kind of exercise we went through on our "engagement encounter" weekend retreat that we did before we were married. There were a couple of couples that walked out of that retreat deciding not to marry. I think that these questions allow people to accelerate an otherwise time-consuming process, and allows them to determine their overall compatibility.

Street Pattern · Jan 13, 2015

About 40 years ago, in an undergrad communications class, we were assigned to work in pairs, and given a list of questions and instructions very similar to the ones above.

I was paired with a nice woman, but she and I didn't get very far down the list before the class session ended. She was relieved to abandon the exercise.

rogue49 · Jan 13, 2015

Well, it would be nice to get everything out of the way quickly.
No fuss, no muss.

That is until you find the right person to muss you.

snowy · Jan 13, 2015

rogue49 said: ↑

That is until you find the right person to muss you.
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It's definitely easier to tumble with someone you have an emotional connection with.

MeltedMetalGlob · Sep 19, 2018

I would love to do this with my wife. And when I say that, I really mean I want my wife to do this with some random dude so she can go run off with him and let me live my life in peace, raising my daughter in a BS-free environment and I can go back to getting rejected by quality women again.

ASU2003 · Jan 14, 2015

Shouldn't the first question be "what's your name?"

I read this article yesterday too. And it would be interesting to try for sure. However, I feel like it is missing some of the questions I would want to know the answers to before I would let myself fall in love with someone. Questions that couldn't be dodged like some of those ones could be (especially if you knew them ahead of time). I would have trouble coming up with the perfect answers to some of those questions on the spot. And who knows if the other person would even accept the answers you were giving. Or if there would be some "dealbreaker" about them. "Do you want to have kids, and if so how many?", "Where are you on the political spectrum, and do you have any causes you support?", "Would you rather have more time and be poorer or more money and always busy?"

Now, if you are already attracted to the person you are doing this with and maybe are on a first date or date 2 or 3, I could see this helping to form a better relationship quicker.

I do believe that I could fall in love with someone within the first hour of meeting them and be happy spending the rest of my life with them if we were a match though.

rogue49 · Jan 14, 2015

Two problems with this...one definite, 2nd potentially.

First, if you answer the sets multiple times...you'll get used to them, so they aren't as spontaneous...and thus intimate. (at least for the person answering more than once)
This deviates from the whole essence.

Second, a person could get most than used them and actually memorize them...then purposely manipulate the answers to get a better "result set".
Of course, this would be done only by those who are a bit manipulative. (if not in a douchebag way, at least in a diligent motive to improve their chances...again deviating from the point, but some would fall for that trap)

It's kind of like answering The Book of Questions...interesting once...not as interesting the fifth time.
Or at least you'd have to wait some time before asking again, to see if your choices change.

Then again, you could have a series of randomized sets developed.

ASU2003 · Jan 14, 2015

4, 000 Questions for Getting to Know Anyone and Everyone: Barbara Ann Kipfer: 9780375720819: Amazon.com: Books

I did just buy this book last month. I'm thinking that you would really know someone if you made it all the way through this book.

Randomly throwing in some of these questions, or having a 'control' group picking 36 of the questions out of this book would make just as interesting of an experiment.

Back when I tried OKCupid, I could see the answers that other girls gave, and without ever meeting them in person, there were a few that seemed perfect and I would have had no problem getting into a serious relationship with. So, that kind of points towards that it doesn't matter too much about the 36 questions, if the other person has the qualities you are looking for. And being able to ask any 36 in-depth questions might just help in getting to know each other even more just like the above 36 question list. That would make a interesting TV show...people come up with their own 36 questions that the person they are partnered up with doesn't know ahead of time. They both have to answer them, but would it be possible to find the right person in this way? Or would it be just as effective to throw a group of people together and see if they could find who their match is normally like this TV show. MTV's 'Are You the One?': 10 burning questions | Inside TV | EW.com
Or you could be like the dating show "Dating In The Dark", and without seeing the other person, could you tell if you liked them before you saw what they looked like? Dating in the Dark (U.S. TV series) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Or is what they look like the only thing that matters, and you don't care what their answers are if they look good enough? Dating Naked (TV Series) | Season 1 Episodes | VH1

Now, the other part is the 4 minutes of eye contact at the end is the real tricky thing. I had a hard time doing 1 minute before.

weezer · Jan 14, 2015

I think this study is fascinating because it touches on a notion we all have some kind of inkling of from our own experience. A relationship is a choice. But attraction is a far more fickle creature. It really is a matter of perception. You can talk to a person every day and not feel anything special. But an unexpected moment of candor, of vulnerability, or simply a well-placed smile can suddenly transform your whole feeling about them. It can happen unexpectedly, against your will, and with someone you may not consider to be "your type".

Given the reported sample size... one test pair, one marriage (not counting the narrator of the article who discounts herself for several reasons), I'm not sure one can draw too broad of a conclusion. I think a sense of closeness with another as a result of completing the study would be unavoidable and it is easy to see how such a connection could open the door to romantic possibilities. At the same time, I think we could all imagine a person at some extreme where falling in love would seem incredibly unlikely, no matter how close we felt in the moment.

Chris Noyb · Jan 15, 2015

I find the questions interesting.

But speaking as an introvert who usually isn't comfortable around strangers, and yes that includes women, I would have a hard time letting a woman know that much about me until I got to know her. Which would defeat the purpose of the answering the questions and sharing the answers.

ASU2003 · Jan 15, 2015

I think that is the whole point of this experiment though. I feel the same way as you about being comfortable talking to new people, but how would I feel after feeling uncomfortable but forcing myself to answer those 36 questions. Would I feel nothing, would I feel like they know more about me then my best friend, or would you be ready to share your lives together and find out even more?

weezer · Jan 15, 2015

ASU2003 said: ↑

I think that is the whole point of this experiment though. I feel the same way as you about being comfortable talking to new people, but how would I feel after feeling uncomfortable but forcing myself to answer those 36 questions. Would I feel nothing, would I feel like they know more about me then my best friend, or would you be ready to share your lives together and find out even more?
Click to expand...

I wonder if it might be akin to the way two strangers who survived the same plane crash might feel. For no particular reason you were both placed into this extreme situation, and now your lives are forever linked by this one event that in many ways separates you from everybody else in the world.

cynthetiq · Jan 15, 2015

Maybe people need such a thing because they forgot to savor the dance of intimacy. It grows organically, sometimes in fast spurts, sometimes in slow burns. You've got a whole lifetime to explore together. It's not all rush and live happily ever after.

It's bad enough one rushes from childhood to being an adult.

PonyPotato · Mar 14, 2015

An update: the man I am seeing now had also read this article, so we gave the first 10 questions a go. We were already having a lovely day together, and it made for a slow burn into a deeper level of intimacy. We haven't finished out the rest of the questions, as we have been letting some of the depth develop organically, but it did make for a wider opening of ourselves to each other. I liked it. I'll update again if we finish the rest of them.

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