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Disagreeing with parents

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by cynthetiq, Aug 25, 2013.

  1. cynthetiq

    cynthetiq Administrator Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    New York City
    What was your last disagreement with a parent?

    What happened? How did you resolve it?

    My father was asking my advice for a situation where my sister has to move. She has an old dog and he suggested that he stay behind when they move. I suggested that is a possibilty but he went further and suggested that the dog go to the pound and well whatever happens happens. I told him that was not an acceptable solution. He said it would make sure that they got a house in the school district that they were trying to be in and would require the least amount of moves with the least amount of trauma to the kids. He suggested that months from now tell the kids the dog died.

    I said, what it's not trauma that their childhood dog was given to the pound or that someone took him and that the dog died? How is that better? I was like that's a dick move. You'd be an asshole if you did that.

    It may be a good solution if it was his dog for him, but still a bad move. I told him he had to rethink the parameters and go back the house search and find a place that allowed dogs. There can't be ZERO housing for dog owners. Sure it's harder but it's not impossible.

    He got angry with me for not agreeing with his plan. I said you know, I don't care for pets myself, skogafoss does, so for me if I was alone, and I wound up with an animal, it may cross my mind to give up the pet, but that's why I don't want one of my choosing. It's a long haul choice, thick and thin, etc. Still, I thought it weird that I called my dad a dick and an asshole in the same conversatoin.
     
    cynthetiq, Aug 25, 2013
    #1
  2. mixedmedia

    mixedmedia ...

    Location:
    Florida
    You know, I can't even remember the last time I had a disagreement with my mom to the point where we actually argued. It's been a very long time (20+ years) but it would be a safe bet to guess that it was about money. It resolved because we love and respect each other and no other thing has ever been important enough to alter that fact.

    I think you did the right thing. That plan was bullshit, if you don't mind my saying so.
     
    mixedmedia, Aug 25, 2013
    #2
  3. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    I'd share here, but I'm restricted from doing so. You probably can guess why, cynthetiq. If this were in a less public space, I'd be more inclined.
     
    snowy, Aug 25, 2013
    #3
  4. Taliesin

    Taliesin Slightly Tilted

    Location:
    Western Australia
    Ha. Well i've recently been rethinking my life.
    One of the things i realized, is that my parents don't always know best.
    They are human like the rest of my friends.

    Whilst i've been coming to terms with these life revelations, I should also mention that i work for my parents.
    So I was telling Dad about this toilet that wasn't working on site, i run him through the things i'd checked & tested, and i finished with my opinion that
    "it is one out of 4 toilets, the camp number of bodies has halved, plus the project is wrapping up in 5 days"
    I planned to focus my attention on it then because the cistern probably needs replacing.

    Apparently this was the wrong attitude.
    We argued a bit.
    In the end i told him to "just go away, he needs to be patient with me, he's got 40 years experience doing this & i've got one."

    Haha, felt good.
    We were calm & friendly later and it hasn't been mentioned again.
    -T
     
    Taliesin, Aug 25, 2013
    #4
  5. flat5

    flat5 Vertical

    Location:
    Amsterdam, NL
    Whatever it was it was in 1979.
     
    flat5, Aug 26, 2013
    #5
  6. Fangirl

    Fangirl Very Tilted

    Location:
    Arizona
    Last night I argued with my father.
    Firstly, I'm my parent's oldest, only daughter--daddy's girl, if you will. My dad is a very smart man, was a good provider, husband and father. I put him on a pedestal throughout my growing-up years and when I left home for good at age 18, I had this notion of him frozen in my mind.

    My mom had a long, drawn-out demise starting with strokes about 7 years ago and ending with her death in 2011. Since then, my dad has been living alone south of the Mason-Dixon line (now living in the South for 25-plus years) and in hindsight and after discussing it with spouse, these two factors may be partly why he has changed so much.

    The dad I knew was very fair-minded. He brought me up to judge people as individuals, to not make judgements or sweeping generalizations based on race, culture, creed, religion, or sexual preferences. He might admit to not understanding some people's beliefs and life choices but he did not articulate any racism or prejudice--ever.
    Boy, has that changed!

    He left here to drive home this morning after spending 4 days with me & mine. Prior to that, it was all I could do to not lose my shit completely.
    He called gay men 'faggots' and said he was sick of them shoving their sexuality 'in his face.' (Where, when, who, Dad? On TV.)
    He refuses to call black people African American which would be fine if he used say, Black American but no, he's calling them 'Negroes,' now. His excuse is that he knows an Ethiopian American person who is black(?)
    So. I ended up calling him racist and prejudiced. I told him he's changed and he did not raise me this way. And then the worst: I told him I was disappointed in him, to which he replied, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
    He's 83 y.o. and no way did I want him leaving on that note, besides, he was a guest in my home, so after spouse and I came back from walking the dogs, I told my dad that I'm sorry that I was rude to him. That what he said hit home in a personal way and I reacted more emotionally than I would have liked. He was fine with it (he never got upset with me to begin with), saying he understands--that I'm a passionate person.
    Honestly, I love my dad but he can be a real asshole.
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2013
    Fangirl, Aug 26, 2013
    #6
  7. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    I'm guessing it was around the time we were planning our wedding, which was 15.5 years ago. We've had very few disagreements, and I can't think of any real fights, since then.

    I don't want to get into all the details, but most of it was stuff we look back on now and say was petty (on both sides). But when you are planning a wedding, and it's the first wedding for both sets of in-laws, there is potential for all kinds of passive-aggressive conflict. It's all ancient history now.
     
    Borla, Aug 26, 2013
    #7
  8. MSD

    MSD Very Tilted

    Location:
    CT
    I'm continuing to support my mom and my brother until my brother finishes college, as I promised my mom I would (dad died 11 years ago, that's why they need my help.) I love them but we drive each other nuts. I joke that the three of us need a "Stupid Argument Siren" that any of us can sound when the other two start a stupid argument.

    I hope we never really get a siren, we would all be deaf in a week's time. I would have sounded it at least six or eight times this past weekend, half of them on arguments I was part of.
     
    MSD, Sep 4, 2013
    #8
  9. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    Oh, disagreeing with my dad is easy...most everything he does is unacceptable.
    And arguing with him too is easy...he's opinionated and obstinate. Like a corrupted Archie Bunker. I keep him at arm's length...

    My mother however is a different story, I grew up with her...and we are still friends.
    We disagree...but it's more like a philosophical discussion. She's very passive, empathetic and compassionate.
    Usually when we disagree, it's when she's allowing someone to tred over her.

    And by the time we disagree when I'm in question...I've lost already...she's like a friggin' saint.
    She's already given me the benefit of the doubt, allowed me flexibility, tried to consider it from my perspective, etc...and so on.
    So if she's giving me the silent treatment (she does not yell) I know I'm fully wrong and in trouble.
    Both my sister & I are wary when she's quiet.

    So if we disagree with my father, we both hang up...hard. (he's in OKC)
    If we disagree with our mother, we both change the subject ...or if it's on us, we tiptoe...and correct it.
     
    rogue49, Sep 4, 2013
    #9