Dirty limericks

There was a young woman named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
She explained, "I do this,
From a great need to piss,
And not from sectarian malice!"

A person of most any nation
When afflicted with bad constipation
Can shove a cuirass
Up the crack of his ass
But it isn't a pleasant sensation.

 

There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a fucking machine
Concave and convex,
it served either sex,
and diddled itself in between.
--- merged: May 17, 2014 at 2:25 PM ---
There once was a trooper from Delta Junction
Whose penis ceased to function
For the rest of his life
He deceived his wife
With diligent use of his truncheon.

 

There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

Drinking Made Easy – Dirty Limerick Contest

 

The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgins
And swarms with erotic effects.

 

I said to my mistress, "My dear,
I have made myself perfectly clear.
If you won't end this quarrel
about 'oral' or 'aural,'
I will stick it into your ear!"

 

There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air
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There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing!
I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
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There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "`Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."

 

A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball
The square of its weight
Times his pecker plus eight
Is his phone number-- give him a call.

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There was a young lady of Chichester
Whose form made the saints in their niches stir
One morning at matins
Her breasts in white satins
Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir.

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There was a young knight named Sir Lancelot
Who the ladies would look at askance a lot
For whenever he'd pass
Some delectable lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot.

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There was a young fellow named Perkin
Who was constantly jerkin' his gherkin
His father said, "Perkin!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
That gherkin's for firkin' not jerkin'!"

***

There was a young tart of Kilkenny
Whose price was two fucks for a penny
But for half of that sum
You could bugger her bum
An economy practiced by many.

***

An old light-house tender named Crichton
Took to seeing a lady from Brighton
But the ships ran aground
And sailors were drowned
For she wouldn't have sex with the light on.

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There was an old Jew of Peru
Who was vainly attempting to screw
His wife said "Oy vey!
If you keep on this way
The messiah will come before you."

***

A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife:
"How could I know, Judge?!
She was cold, didna budge--
Just the same as she acted in life!"