Damaged Goods?

I've never really heard this term until recently, it was used to describe a guy I am talking to, well was I guess. Now I usually don't believe these stereotypical terms, but after hearing it from friends enough, I'm starting to believe it with this guy.

It begins with me moving into my new apartment. I meet the guy for the first time when he is walking his dog. I find out he is a state trooper and my neighbor around the corner. A couple weeks go by with flirty glances and Hi's to each other. One day, I finally introduce myself and we chat a little bit. Again, a couple weeks go by with flirty glances and Hello's. One night, I finally built up the courage and knocked on his door and asked him out. By the time I got back to my apartment he texted me asking me why I had come over. I was shocked and said to ask you out for a drink. He then asks me to go outside. I go and we go for a walk. He joked and thought I had come over for help with a ticket or something. Now, I'm 23 and looking at him I thought he was 28-30 (30 is my max). Well turns out he is 35, but surprisingly we have quite a bit in common. He walks me back to my apartment and we say goodnight. Next day, he takes me to dinner. We have great conversation, but we both can tell people are staring. We just laugh it off, but I could tell he was a little weary of the age difference. He ends up inviting me over and we watch a movie. After, he walks me back to my apartment. A week goes by and we've hung out everyday when I get home from college (he's on vacation). If I'm not with him, he is usually texting me non-stop. His 2nd to last day of vacation, he decides to take another week off so we can get to know each other more. Again, we hangout every day. That thursday night we end up having sex and I stay the night. Next day he wants me to come over and we hangout. Well towards the end of the night he gets a text from his ex-gf. This is where I find out he isn't completely over her. Apparently, they dated for 1.5 years and that was the longest relationship he was in and the only girl he had ever loved. I really like the guy so I'm blindsided by every red flag. A couple days go by and there is no communication between us. One day he invites me over and apologizes about everything. Again, we hangout everyday when he gets off work. After 3 or 4 days, he gives me a key to his apartment so I could walk his dog and watch tv when he is at work. A week and a half go by and everything is fine, until one day his demeanor changes completely. Instead of being happy and relaxed, he is tense. He tells me he doesn't want to date me and that I should find somebody my age. I was hurt and confused. That night I was asked out by a friend and I decide to have a lunch date with him. The next day, the trooper asks me to come over and I do. I end up telling him that I have a date the next day, he looks away and I can tell he is upset. Our last week consists of fighting over texts and no hanging out. Our last night, he asks me to come over and I tell him no I have to study. He pretty much begs me and I finally give in. He tries to be touchy feely and get close to me but I ignore it and play with his dog. By 11, he asks me to stay the night to help him fall asleep, and I decline. He begs me to stay and I say I will until he falls asleep. I help him relax and then leave when he is asleep, and I leave his key under his doormat. The next morning heading to school, I see him out patrolling so I text him. After a couple texts he tells me he has a date. I get a little upset and tell him we probably shouldn't talk anymore and that was the end of that.

A month goes by and I begin talking to a new guy. One day I was walking my guy to his car and seen trooper outside playing with his dog. The dog gets loose and runs to me, and I grab the leash. As I hand the leash back to him, I see his new gf at his door. I go to my guy and as I kiss him and say good bye, I notice trooper staring us down. I just ignore it and walk back to my apartment.

Three months go by with no contact or seeing of one another. I break up with my guy before the semester begins. Two weeks later, Trooper texts me out of no where. It started off with just asking how I am and then the texts got flirty. I just figured he was looking for sex since I hadn't seen his gf around, so I ignored the flirty texts. Three weeks of this goes by and I'm starting to think maybe he wants to try to get back together, until valentines day comes. That day, his texts were rude and spiteful towards me. I ask him whats his problem and He just says he is tired. I go and check the mail and sure enough he is outside in his car. I ignore him and as I come back, my roommate and her brother pulls up. I start heading to the garage but stop and ask Trooper what's his problem. He gets out of his car and says he is tired. He ends up locking his keys in his car and says he will be right back. As he starts heading to his apartment, my roommates brother comes outside and says hi to me. Trooper looks at him and looks at me and seems a little upset, but keeps walking. I help my roommates brother bring things inside, then go outside to grab something from my car. As I'm in my car, trooper gets his car unlocked and is on the phone, but heads over to me. He hesitates a little then heads back to his apartment. I head back inside but notice he stopped and watched me go inside. When I grab my phone I see he text me saying he was tired and hadn't had sex for a month. I joke and say I have him beat. He then says that Its ok since he has been working a lot and his gf understands. This completely confuses me since he hasn't mentioned her. I asked if that is why he texted me and he says no that he wouldn't cheat. I ignore the rest of his texts that night, since they started getting flirty/dirty. We don't text at all the next day. Saturday night I ask him if we could take a walk to talk a little bit. He says no that his gf is coming over, which was a lie. I ask again Sunday and the same thing happens. By monday I'm getting tired of the situation, since I know I'm getting hurt by it. I ask him to talk and he says he is busy. At this point, I'm frustrated and just want him out of my life, so I pull the crazy girl card lol (I have enough guy friends to know this is the best way to get a guy to leave you alone). I text him asking him why is he so afraid. He says he isn't afraid and that he has a gf. I say you obviously have feelings for me or you wouldn't have texted me. He says he is busy bye. I tell him he doesn't have to be scared and that I miss hanging out with him (he had texted me earlier he missed hanging out with me). He said it doesn't matter and we wouldn't ever hangout again. I ask why. He says I'm not getting it and I should stop texting him and he is going to stop texting me. So far that has been the end of it, at least I'm hoping it is.

After everything that has happened All my friends say he is damaged goods. I get where they are coming from but after everything wouldn't I be considered damaged goods also? I had put my heart on my sleeve for this guy and got hurt both times. I see now there was nothing I could do, but I still have feelings for the guy and wish I could have done something.

 

Wow that's a lot of text to read through.

Honestly I've been in a similar situation as the guy, and unfortunately I didn't treat the side girl all that different. He's completely hung up on his on/off girlfriend, and I'm also willing to bet dollars to dimes she's the one who's constantly breaking it off with him. He's not in control in any way in the relationship where his feelings are, and the time together with you reminded him about what a mutual relationship could be. However, as we all know you can't control what the heart wants, and he continually goes back the second she shows an inkling of returning.

As we know, much like not wanting any ex to have a hotter / more successful significant other, he gets jealous of your new beaus.

 

This is not damaged goods. It is stalking.
You can block his texts, you know. You need to back off completely because every time you're friendly and open you are sending the wrong message. That behavior is not normal, it's not damaged. It existed before women came along. If you're not damaged now, you might be soon.

 

Its not the same girl that he wasn't over. He started dating a new girl after me.

And I wouldn't really say stalking only because he lives next door. Its not hard to tell when there is a new car around the complex. But I can tell how it can be considered that.

 

The attention that spikes after a period of quiet? Inappropriate, unsolicited text messages that are 'dirty' or hostile? Feeling like you are being watched?
Darlin', these things aren't normal. They are not the things that people who are 'damaged' by relationships do. The fact that he lives next door is circumstantial.
I think you are responding inappropriately. You need to ignore it. It's hard, I know, believe me. But you need to cut that shit at the root.

 

Well I'm hoping he got rid of my number after the last texting conversation. I don't want to deal with anymore of this drama that seems to occur with him.

 

I hope so, too. I would also think about maybe moving if at all possible.
I went through a similar situation and it took two years to wind itself down. Partly because I went through periods when I tried to be friendly and then through periods when I fought with him. Both of which made things worse. If had just let well enough alone it wouldn't have been as difficult and traumatic - for either of us. This is how I know it is hard and why I'm confident that I'm giving you good advice.

 

At 23, your actions and behaviors are normal for someone your age. When you reach 35, you will no longer behave the way you do now and will look back and regard this episode of your life as a learning experience.

At 35, he is indeed damaged goods. His actions and behaviors are not those of a man but of a schoolboy. You may be attracted to him because, though he's 35, he behaves like a 20 year old. Unfortunately, men his age worth having a relationship with, do not behave like 20 year olds.

The best thing you can do is move on. He's someone else's messed up problem now. Better to find a guy your own age who acts 35, than a 35 year old who acts your age.

 

Well I'm stuck till the lease is up and regardless I don't want to leave the area since its the safest part of the city. I really doubt he would do anything. I've never felt threatened or uneasy by him. I'm sure everything will go back to no communication and sight of each other. The main thing is that it stays that way and he doesn't try to contact me again. I only have 1 year left of school and will probably move to a different state.

 

I understand all that. Just be resolute. No contact.

 

No, but in my case, I'm pretty sure if I had followed my own advice here, it wouldn't have been as protracted and painful. Don't feed the troll and all that.

 

Way too much drama on both sides.

 

And I thought there would be less drama outside of high school, well that was a lie its just more complicating haha

 

Why do I feel as if I'm on Facebook?
--- merged: Feb 21, 2013 at 7:10 PM ---

Not really. Unless you like drama.

 

No I have enough stress with school to deal with than unnecessary drama

 

In this young lady's defense, it's difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone whom you were close to is actually so dysfunctional and maladjusted that you can't have a 'normal' breakup with them. You want to believe that what you are seeing is some sort of transitory psychological spasm rather than just the way things are. So you make moves that are, in retrospect, foolish and provocative. When you are also a person who is an appeaser and a pleaser, it's even more difficult.

 

Ok well I read it through the colored glasses of my own experience. Re-reading it... yeah he's possessive & jealous...