Couple life in Company

I have a little argument with my girlfriend for some time.
She likes to be us a "social couple", the type that split up often at a party, that can enjoy the company of friends even without the partner, and not the one that are always toghether one near each other acting an atom as a single, unseparable company element.

That is perfectly fine by me in principle. E.g. yesterday evening I went with the boyz enjoying an Alien movie marathon, and she was with other guys at a club, and the night before some similar stuff.

The problem is where to draw the line, she goes to far for that in my opinion. Yesterday after the 8+ hours marathon (ugh) I reached her at the club trying making her a surprise. She was mostly with other people that I didn't know, that she didn't care to introduce me or salute me properly either (at least the classic big smile and a hug "oh you made it!" scene), after 20 minutes of embarassing situations watching her drinking at talking trash to these guys without even caring about me, I went home.
She called me begging to come back and stuff, I came back and everything went fine she was calm and everything...

Now she's (as often happens) angry at me because a I should have just "blend in" with these new guys (ok, after the awkard "Hi, I am Andrea" part everyone realized that no-one gived something about the other one), and don't pretending she were staying close to me, even it was obvious that I were up at 1:20 a.m. after 8 hours of awsome movies and not being bed with a 9 a.m. wake up to write a PhD Thesis, was just to be near her...

Apart from my personal experience, so where to draw a line? Have you ever found difficoult to draw the social/couple line with your partner?

 

She should have introduced you.

 

Well, that's for sure, simply because it's what polite people do... But I don't pretend that half drunk - half sleepy state she can remember manners...

I am 27, she is 21, we have been toghether almost for a couple of years in a really loving and gorgeous relationship. Definetly not a casually dating.
Simply, maybe is the age difference or the character one (I am much more the nerdy-introvert type, she is more the gorgeous extrovert type, even if many times she wants to play the couple and I want to play as pack leader ), but we find somewhat difficoult to find agreement about where to set our couple/social balance.

 

I think a big part of it is being sensitive to your partner's comfort level in any given social situation. Sometime you need to stick closer together than you might otherwise. At 21, your girlfriend may still be working on balancing her extroverted nature with your introverted-ness in certain settings. Give her a pass on this one, but talk to her (calmly!) about your feelings to make future events less stressfull.

Like Borla says, couples that have been together longer develop less need to be "joined at the hip" as the years pass.

 

This was my first thought.

I don't feel the need to be joined at the hip at all in gatherings involving good friends or family. Social situations involving strangers is entirely different. If, like me, you prefer to be introduced to a couple of receptive people that your partner knows well (and knows with whom you may have common interests) before they temporarily flutter away with another person, then that's what you need to convey. Not with body language, not with subtle verbal hints, but spelled out clearly. THIS is the type of situation where you are comfortable. THIS is where you are not comfortable. If she agrees, that's great. People in "really loving and gorgeous" relationships care. They may not always understand where you are coming from, but they care. If she grudgingly agrees, understand that she is not really in agreement and make a mental note that you are likely on your own the next time the situation arises and decide if you really want to be there.
Make sure this is not a one sided conversation or a bitch fest. Ask her what her needs are while you are stating yours, and ask what give/take can be reached from both sides. ASK, don't assume she knows the question is just magically "out there" as we introverts tend to do.

 

I would have to agree with Grumpy here, let this one pass. but tell her how uncomfortable the whole thing made you.

 

Well I talk to her politely everytime it happens and she just nod saying I should "blend in", "doing as she won't be there" and stuff that I surely don't understand completely. It feels awkward to me blending in with little or without introduction with guys that sometimes approached my girlfriend just to meet a nice girl and trying to hang out, and now they meet her boyfriend... And she feels that I am to grumpy trying to stay close to her and not letting her "having fun".

 

so what you're saying is that she has fun flirting with other guys at a bar at 1am while you're watching nerdy movies with your friends? doesnt this ring alarm bells for anyone?

i think you either need to have a good word to her about how your social lives should be conducted, or you get another girlfriend whos going to take your considerations onboard. in 5,10,20 years time you'll choose a considerate woman over any 'cute' but socially incompatible woman.

 

Word. Had similar issues with my ex.

 

Well I don't put on terms that she's "flirting". I'm sure she is committed to me as I am to her. But if you see a girl without a boyfriend around you go meet her and take your chances (at least this the habit in Italy ), and she's is not the type of girl to simply tell "not interested, go away", meeting people is also part of her job (she's a journalist) and quite of an attitude of her.
And, sure as (how do you say something really sure, without swaring? ), I don't watch nerdy movies with friends every night... I'm not a Big Bang Theory type of physicist having halo and star trek night on a weekly basis , I go out in the same way she goes out, usually with her and other friends, sometimes with my friends, I play the wingman if my friends ask, and so on...
So I like too a little of independence...

mmmh... I should not say we are "socially incompatible", we have a lot of social fun together, usually we are the two organizing parties...etc.. Let's say the our incompatibility raise with the level of Alcohol...

 

It's funny how some guys automatically associate a woman having fun around guys with flirting.

Anywho, she's just a chick with a strong personality and she enjoys being out. No biggie. While she certainly should have at least introduced you, it's not exactly a thing that should be taken with extreme prejudice. Did you walk up to her and wrap your arm around her and give her a small kiss when you got there? That would certainly take the responsibility out of her hand as well as let the other males involved know exactly what was up. It's probably also important to note that in all honesty you probably embarrassed her by showing up, then leaving and then coming back after she had to call and beg you to do so. That part has a whole petulant child aura (not saying you are) but if she feels like she has to babysit you in social structures then appease you after you make a scene, then it's certainly fair to assume she was embarrassed by it. Maybe that causes her to not be so quick to introduce you since in the back of her mind she may be worried about what you'll say or do "this time". :shrug:

You guys have different personalities but you've made it work so far. There's really no point in over thinking this as it will tend to sort itself out with time and function. My wife and I aren't joined at the hip in social settings unless it's a new setting or we're uncomfortable with some people. When those situations are present then we tend to hang around each other more so than in place where we know everyone or we're comfortable in. Do people know we're together? Absolutely. Do we introduce each other? Of course, but as Borla says, marriage is a completely different animal. In this case, I don't think it would be fair to use her youth against her simply because you felt slighted in a social construct. Let it pass - but if the situation arises again, take the bull by the horns and make it clear who you are to each other in subtle ways.

 

Hey. Do not joke about women socializng with male strangers. We Middle Easterners take this shit very serious.

Why else do you think that we punish men and women with beatings and whip lashes for the audacity of not being related with each other while in the same enclosed space?!

 

Well...

you middle easterners need to read up on psychology then.

No, I get your tongue in cheek - but it's not just a Middle Eastern thing. I get so sick of seeing idiot guys going into a rage because their girl talked to some other dude or assuming a woman is flirting/cheating etc just because the woman is social. Just because she isn't hung up on ignoring the opposite sex just to appease your (not you directly) weak ego, doesn't mean something underhanded is going on.

 

You need to just tell her that when you're in a big group of people that you don't know, you need for her to stick with you for 15 minutes or so so she can introduce you around and help you settle into the environment. It's not a big deal. She doesn't have to make a grand 'this is my boyfriend' display.

Mostly, it sounds like she is just really young and hasn't grasped the banality of phrases like 'just blend in.' I know from experience with my own kids when they were that age (20-ish) that it wasn't always automatic to consider that other people don't experience things the same way they do. These things come with time. This is a good learning opportunity for your girlfriend.

 

Yeah, I've seen tons of those cases during my clubbing days where retards exploded in a huge rage. I often see a direct correlation with the amount of alcohol the guy consumed.

Trust me, though, my ex took that crap to a completely different level. Even my German friends were like "The fuck, dude?"

 

if you 2 have been in relationship for a couple years and she's only 21, she still has a lot of self discovery to do. most people have a lot to get out of their system if they want to settle into a healthy marriage with no regrets on what they might have missed out on. not to say you shouldn't be dating, but you should definitely cut her a lot of social slack and make a distinction where you realize being a social butterfly is not a betrayal of a relationship.

that said, as long as you communicate your needs effectively, there shouldn't be an issue if you need a little help settling into a scene and you're not asking for much, which sounds to be the case here. i'd start to be a bit concerned if you pointed this out several times and it's a pattern that's not being fixed. that most defnitely is inconsiderate and not what most people are looking for in their partner.

 

my mrs is an independant woman. she goes out and socialises with men and woman for work and non-work related functions (without me most of the time), but she'll introduce me as her husband. In this case, im getting the feeling that she doesnt want the other guys to know that they're in a committed relationship. for me thats alarm bells. it's got nothing to do with being a middle easterner .

 

Lish

Obviously. That's why I put the whole "but it's not just a Middle Eastern thing" in my post.

It doesn't ring alarm bells for me for three major reasons

1. She's young
2. They aren't married
3. They haven't had issues before

This really seems to be a non-issue unless he's made it clear before and she's just refusing to see his viewpoint or take his feelings to heart. I don't know them, but I'd be willing to bet this isn't the case. It's probably just more of she's completely comfortable in any social atmosphere and just doesn't get how it's tough for some people socially. Doesn't mean she shouldn't make an effort, but it doesn't mean she's flirting/cheating or just being cruel either.