coping with bereavement

I am not posting this looking for sympathy,I just really dont know what to do.

Last night my mum died. I live alone in a town I dont have any friends or family at all.

I was going to go back home today but my dad told me not to bother and he is taking care of everything.

I feel a bit numb and a bit sick at the moment, and am going through the feelings of guilt (that I didnt see her enough, that I dont feel as upset as I should) which I guess maybe are not that unusual.

I took today off work, but I dont really know what to do. The kind of things I do when Im home alone normally - watch DVD's, play warcraft, surf the net etc... they all seem inappropriate aqnd ridiculous things to be doing. I could go into work but Im worried I'll get tearful if people keep talking to me about it and I dont want to be crying in front of people or something. I just keep thinking and thinking about the fact she's dead, but I dont know that I can imagine she is gone even though intellectually I know she is if that makes sense.

I think its probably not the best to be alone but there isnt anyone I can be with

 

SF, I am very sorry to read this. Numbness, sickness and guilt are all natural things to be feeling at a moment like this. I went through some of the same emotions when my father died.

I know your Dad said not to bother, but you should... bother. Get on the train and go. He probably needs to have someone around as much as you do.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. And as Charlatan said, even if your father said not to bother, you should take the time to go home and be with him and near the rest of your family and friends. I understand your inability to emotionally accept her passing - it is completely different from the intellectual acceptance. You have lost one of the two most permanent, important aspects of your life. The sense of disconnect from something that has always been there is just not easy to absorb.

Go where you won't be afraid to grieve and openly cry for her. Time WILL bring some comfort, but now is the time to let yourself feel the pain of your loss.

 

Your father probably feels alone now, too. He probably doesn't want to cry in front of you. He probably needs to, though. Sometimes what we don't want is what's best for us.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

I can't give any better advice than what's already been said so far, so I'll just offer my condolences, and hope you'll get to feeling better soon.
My best to you, Strange.

 

I am so sorry for your loss SF. I lost my mom 3 years ago and I'm still dealing with the feelings and other issues. Yes, go home and be there with your dad. He probably needs you as much as you need him. It takes a lot of time and tears to heal after loosing someone you love.

 

Very sorry for your loss. Go home, share the grief. Find closure. Find peace.

 

I agree, if it feels right both in your heart and gut, pay a visit your dad.

I didn't go when my dad insisted I follow his wishes and stay out here in the Midwest as the strokes and pneumonia took my mother. Unfortunately, I regret his wishes overruling what I really needed for post-death healing--to be with her before her death and in the immediate aftermath, neither of which he allowed. It was a bitch of a year that (just) followed.
You have my sincere sympathies.

 

I've lost both of my parents. My father passed first, when I was 21 and had JUST graduated from college. I feel as if my mother was trying to protect me, so I wasn't all that involved with the process after his death.

The following year, when my mother was dying, she didn't really tell us the extent of it all. I had to put a lot of things together myself, like what kind of cancer was it exactly, or how aggressive it really was. I think she was trying to protect me again.

I shut a lot of people out after she died. I felt like it was my own burden to bare and that no one could possibly understand. I'm a private person and also a proud person. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me.

Who knows what your father is feeling, but you are entitled to your own feelings. You should do what you feel is right for you. She was your mother.

 

I'm sorry to here this SF.

All I can say is find a place you can be with people who care. If that means going to your Father's then I'd do it - he may not need you, but I suspect that you need him.

Be well.

 

Condolences Strange. Take the time and let yourself heal. Go home if that's what your heart tells you to do.

 

I'm sorry for your loss, Strange Famous, and all others here who have posted about losing their parents. Go home. Regardless of what your dad said, he needs you there. He's trying to protect you, but when it comes to deaths of a parent, sometimes the other parent, or even the parent dieing, doesn't really know what's best.

I lost my dad 4 years ago to lung cancer, only 3 months after I moved across the country for a new job with no family, friends, or support around. I was lucky enough to know it was coming, be on the phone with him for every day, and visit twice in that time, and then be there for his death. Last summer my mom died of ovarian cancer (her 3rd time with a cancer of some-sort). She went into the hospital expectantly and was diagnosed with it being terminal. My sisters and I were lucky enough to all fly back and see her before she was scheduled to go into chemo and surgery. Unfortunately the stress of the cancer was too much for her and she expectantly passed away before the first round of chemo. We're still dealing with the estate (or lack thereof). I guess my point is: always go see the family you have left after there's a death.

 

It sounds to me you must go home. There is something about saying goodbye; regardless of what your father may say. It really does calm the mind, body and soul. Go home. You will heal faster with a goodbye.

 

Hi, @StrangeFamous

"that I don't feel as upset as I should"

Don't worry about that .... you ARE ... YOU ARE upset. Worrying about feeling and not feeling is Part Of BEING upset. You are upset. Very upset.

"The kind of things I do when I'm home alone normally - watch DVD's, play warcraft, surf the net etc... they all seem inappropriate and ridiculous things to be doing"

I bet they do, though if you did, I guarantee you'd be doing them Mournfully ... no matter how you felt. that FACT which, at the moment, you only intellectually grasp, would still be in the background - sometimes remaining there, other times reaching forward. And there's nothing inappropriate of ridiculous about that. Heck, you will be doing some other things ... like having a bath, going to the shops, cooking food, etc and THOSE will feel inappropriate and ridiculous. This is a time when even the Normal may feel 'not right' -because your world has changed - an external pillar is no longer.

Ralphie and some others said DO go to your dad. I say so too. I bet you sure ARE his son. Re-read your first post in this thread. Your dad is doing something which might not be entirely dissimilar.

"I am not posting this looking for sympathy, I just really don't know what to do"

Well, you do have my sympathy. Another friend of mine's mother died a few days ago. I am singing at her funeral on Monday. Also, I'm freaking at the probability my mum will die before me. Even if this were not the case, you'd still have my sympathy, but I'm especially raw at the moment, so you'll have to put up with a measure of Empathy too. However, you've made it clear you're not looking for all that so much as "What To Do", So, yup ... get up there and see your dad. Even if he does a bit of pushing away. Secondly, make a note of my phone number - I'll PM it to you. We're in the same country ... neighbours, globally speaking, therefore local rates, in case you need to sort things voice-to-voice as well as in text.

Take care

 

Nothing you do during grief is inappropriate or ridiculous.

Grief comes in assorted shapes and sizes and time frames. Loss can shake us so hard that we often cannot do anything other than plod through our everyday habits, taking a little comfort in the normalcy of the mundane. The day of my Dad’s funeral I played tennis. The orderliness of tennis brought some comfort to my brother and I who were suspended, dumbfounded, amidst life’s harsher realities. Folding clothes, organizing paperwork, or playing video games, serve as a temporary and sometimes necessary coping mechanism helping to center us around some of the parts of life that are controllable. By doing things like this, our feelings of powerlessness are temporarily alleviated. Do what you have to do to find relief during, what could be, a long process.

Perhaps your Dad also isn’t fully ready to confront it, and therefore he is acting like it is as common as taking out the trash; he’ll take care of everything. That may be a cathartic thing for him.

My advice is to go with him, too. You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to do anything, either. You don’t have to talk about it. Just be available and respect the loss you both feel. Nobody has it worse or better. Loss is loss. Acknowledge your own, first.

Very sorry, for you. Hang in.

 

Really sorry to hear about your loss, SF. My sincerest condolences.

Having lost both my father and father-in-law in the past 4 years, I know how shit it feels. It gets better, a little bit every day. Some days are worse than others, the guilt and the sorrow come back strong sometimes. I know everyone says it's all part of life yada-yada, but actually, it is. Children need to bury their parents. Go help your Dad bury your Mom.

Remember her.

 

Thanks for kind words from everyone.

I am feeling a bit better but finding it hard to sleep. At the moment there is no funeral or anything set because the coroner hasnt issued a death certificate. She had a relatively routine operation the day before and was released at the end of the day to go home (she lived alone) and something obviously was badly wrong... from the autopsy the coroner believes the hospital made a big mistake and until the surgeon can give the coroner an account of what he saw and what he did and why, everythings up in the air. Could be sorted this week or in 3 more weeks.

I went back to work the second day after. I am struggling a bit to focus, but being able to take my mind off things is probably better than sitting home (or sitting back in Suffolk) and just brooding on things.

 

Strange Famous, you have my deepest and most sincere condolences.

 

That is rough. You sound alright though. If anything would disrupt sleep, your situation would be it. I truly hope what needs to be done for the 'powers that be' so you and your family can do what you must--happens quickly.

My mom died 13 months ago but my dad held off having any memorial gathering until just 5 months ago. Being put on hold emotionally took it's toll on me--I'm even more aware of that now because my spouse's dad just died and it's bringing up stuff I thought I'd gotten past.

Sincere best wishes and gentle slumbers to you, Strange Famous.